Random rambling

[NP74]

Hey Y'all (I love living in the South :-)

A lot of things are going on in my life right now, and I need to pick some brains, and who better than you guys?. I have found this message board to be the best resource out there even though I am not that active.

I have recently decided to apply for Social Security Disability, and much to my surprise, I was approved in about 35 days, and will start receiving payments in November (for October). I am currently in a very bad job situation, both mentally and physically, and cannot wait to get out of there. The place has definitely added to my depression, and every night I hurt when I get home as I will by then have been sitting in the same chair for 4-6 hours without getting up. My husband has to come and pick me up every night as I am simply to stiff and sore to safely move on my own by then. I have put them on notice and told them that by Christmas I would like to be down to no more than six hours a week, possibly no hours at all. I asked them to start cutting my hours as soon as they can hire someone to take over my duties.

I am only 34, so even though I could "retire" tomorrow, I am not done working, so I have decided that I want to go back to school. I have found some online programs that look very interesting. The first thing I want to do is get a new Bachelor's degree in philosophy/ religion solely for personal enrichment, I have been doing things for others for far to long. But after the BA degree I want to go back to graduate school and get a degree that will allow me to work from home either teaching,doing life coaching, councelling, or something similar. Do any of you guys know anything about scholarships or grants for people with MD? I have been searching, and it is a jungle out there. I have found a few that aren't disability specific that I can apply for, but my hope is that I will be able to finance my new education 100% to avoid taking out additional student loans (I am still paying for an MS degree in project management, that I never used due to my illness).

I have recently suffered a lot from low self esteem and depression, and I am on a cocktail of antidepressant and sleep aids. I hope that this will open a new door for me, to once again feel useful. Do you guys ever feel like you are just a burden to the people you love? Are you embarrassed when you go places? I find that I get very embarrassed every time I have to meet new people. I am really not concerned about how they perceive me, I just know how I perceive me, and feel ashamed. I project this shame onto my poor husband, and tell him that he should be ashamed to go places with me Do you ever feel guilty about having MD? As if it was something you should be able to make better? We live in a society where we are taught that if you just work hard, you will achieve. I think we all work and work and work, but really achieve nothing, at least not physically. I feel like a half person.

I have been rambling long enough now. I hope you are all doing well!

P

[michigani]

NP74,

Boy can I relate!

1) Yes I feel guilty. I always consider my wife and daughters are victims of MD every bit as much as I am.

2) Yes I USED to feel embarrassed going out. I've long gotten over that by now after 7 years of MD. I now take my scooter almost everywhere. There's no more fear of falling or fear of people staring at me getting out of restaurant chairs or up stairs. The scooter has changed my life even though I can still walk indoors. (PS - The Telethon will pay $2000 towards a scooter or chair).

3) My whole life I was the one who took care of others including my MD affected dad since I was 14. He died and my mother and sister both became ill with unrelated illnesses. I took care of them and drove them all over. Although I didn't mind, I never want to lay this burden on my wife or kids.

4) I left my civil engineering job in 2005. It required walking factories, large plants and undeveloped sites. I physically couldn't do it anymore and got out while I still could. I also was quickly approved for Soc Sec. I don't feel guilty. I worked hard every day of my life from age 16-45.

5) I always feel that depression is walking behind me tapping me on the shoulder. I fight it hard and try to concentrate on my blessings. That said I dearly miss the physical things others enjoy like golfing, bike riding, hiking, playing on the beach, intimacy (MD has ruined our love life), and just "running" into a store, etc.

Hang in there and vent anytime. We all understand.

Mark

[NP74]

Hey Mark,

Thanks for letting me "ramble". Unfortunately, the main cause of my depression is probably that I have a "mental" block when it comes to using a scooter or chiar. Whenever I think about it, I shut down completely. The rational part of my brains sees all the advantages, but I just can't (or wont....) do it. I have, unfortunately, become obsessed with fighting MD, and once again, the rational part of my brains loses, and my approach turns into something irrational. I think that if I use a chair or scooter that the disease has won. Rational me, says that I will get a lot more freedom to do the things I want, but irrational me, tells me that that is not true, and the price paid for the freedom is to high. The only thing I want in this life anymore, is for this disease to go away. Sometimes I struggle with the will to keep fighting, and think that I, and everybody else would be better off without me. My husband would be better off, he just doesn't see it, and as long as he ( and my awesome doctors) stand behind me I have no choice but to keep fighting.

I have found that I have become indifferent to a lot of things, I can't make decisions (what do I want for dinner? does it even matter if I eat dinner? etc), and often end up spending a lot of time curled up into a little ball at home. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed to go out amongst people, but my perception of myself, makes me terrified of meeting new people as I project my perception of myself onto them, and I don't want to bother them with my presense.

I'm rambling again.

P

[dkbladez]

Hello Mark and NP-

NP, I too know exactly how you feel. Depression is smacking me on the back of my head everyday. Some days are better than others but I do get over them. I want to do so much more than I do but it is so hard. Sometimes I don't even want to try and I have a great support system. I know these decisions you have to make are hard ones but you will see when you make the right choices your "quality" of life will improve. I look at it like this, I know my situation will not improve so as long as I have people who support me and are willing to take me out, I try to make the job easier for them which in return takes a lot of stress off of me. The aids are your friend and they help you to be comfortable in your new status. Yes, it does feel like you are giving up in a way but are you really? I think not, they will help you do things without stress and your world will begin to open up again. Keep fighting and It does get better!!!!

[dkbladez]

Oh and I forgot to say, I am only 36 and I was an elementary school teacher before me mobility woresened, so I definitely know how it feels to give up doing something that you love.