Concerning my mother

[bearcubs]

[Hello,

My mother was diagnosed with dementia and alzheimer's but she doesn't believe she has anything wrong with her. She moved to Alberta in May of this year where my husband and I live and she wants to return to Ontario. Last week she had her plane ticket all ready to go and we stopped her from going. My cousin phoned me and said that my mother didn't want me to know. She is now mad at my husband and me and she is still planning on going before Christmas. She says she doesn't want to go into a retirement home here in Alberta where we live. If she moves back there is no one there to help her. She doesn't want anything to do with us even though we are trying to help. If she goes to Ontario she'll be in trouble, if she stays here in Alberta she'll blame us and says she doesn't want to see us. I visited her yesterday and she said I came over just so I can say I visted her. I ask her for a hug and she doesn't want to hug me. I am an only child and this is very hard for me. What do you think I should do. I am at my witts end.FONT="Comic Sans MS"][/FONT]

[dorri]

Sounds like both you and your mom are hurting. Try to imagine what it feels like to have one of your children telling you what you can and cannot do especially when the advice isn't welcomed, it's got to hurt so while I understand what it's like to be going through this, try to understand your mom needs time to adjust and realize that she cannot do what she use to do. She needs time to accept her fate and rebuild broken trust, that is if she is still capable of doing this. If your mom's actions prove to be a danger to herself or others then you need to step in and help protect her and make wise decisions for her. Do you think your mom is serious about making such a move, or is she acting out of anger?

[meg1230]

Yep, I can relate. My mother wouldn't even talk to me for a year and a half!

They can't accept their diagnosis. It is frightening. We never ever use the Alzs. word. I tell my almost 86 year old mom that she is just experiencing natural ageing issues. I tell her that her brain has so much in it from all the years she has lived that she can't possibly remember it all.

You need to do what you need to do to keep her safe which means keeping her near you so you can take care of her the way she took care of you..Is she gonna be mad? Oh yeah. That is the least of your worries though. Do your best to keep putting off the move back to Ontario. You have til after Christmas to come up with new ideas.

And good for your cousin that she told you!

We know it's hard. Keep coming back to us for help and advice and as a sounding board.

Love, Meg

[polina]

My mom's favorite quote was: Leave me alone I just want to do my own thing!!!

She fought it so hard!! She would often say I haven't lost my marbles yet!!

Your right Meg I used to say the same thing to my mom whenever I would see that fearful look come in her eyes when she couldn't remember something. I would say: mom don't worry about it you have so much on your mind...... don't worry it'll come to you. That would help ease her anxiety.

love Pauline

[DGabriel10]

I ditto what the others have said. Mom never accepted her diagnosis. As long as she could put a complete sentence together she swore she was fine and it was the rest of us that had gone completely crazy. She has been so angry with us girls that she was hysterical and spitting fire. I have been disowned, thrown out of the will, ignored, and cursed. She even took a swing or two at me. But you have to do what is necessary.

As for her not being happy in Alberta... she is not going to be happy where ever she is. It is not the place that is making her unhappy but the confusion that exist in her head because she does not know or understand what is going on with her. She can't remember if you tell her. All she knows is that there was a place in time that she was not feeling this way. The sad part is, even if she goes back to Ontario, she is not going to be happy because that won't fix the fundamental problem which is the disease. Mom was miserable at home that last year, she actually thought she wanted to go to Assisted Living but she was miserable there as well and wanted to go home. She wanted to go anywhere but that place. So we moved her to a new place and she was so very unhappy there as well. Not the place, but the confusion in her head was creating her unhappiness. It was only after she got worse that it got better.

So stick to what you have to do. It is not about doing what Mom thinks she wants. It's all about doing what Mom needs!!!!

Welcome to our little corner of the world. I hope you hang around and type often. From experience I can tell you that's it's really nice to vent and share experiences with those that are in the same situation.

Love, deb