Needing help...Mixed state or just crazy???

JanetPinky · 11-15-2009, 04:24 PM

This may get a bit long...but any advice/words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

A bit of myself before I start: I'm 31 yrs old, divorced with kids (they live with their father) and was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar 3.5 years ago, as well as post traumatic stress syndrome. My sister comitted suicide when I was 11 and from that point on I hit severe depression/suicide attempts and numerous (months at a time) hospital admissions. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as a teen...and then 3 years ago was diagnosed with bipolar.

I was married for 8 years to a very abusive guy and was hospital free for that period of time, and was a stay at home mom to my kids. I (finally)got the nerve to leave him in June 06 and my hospital admissions started again. I had shock treatment last summer which caused me to lose all of my memory, I wouldnt say it helped me.

This past Feb. I was suddenly diagnosed with 2 back diseases(degenerative disk disease and spinal stenosis) when I literally woke up and couldn't walk...had emergency surgery in may to remove 2 disks and was wheelchair bound for almost 3 months.

It was shortly after that when I stopped all my medication..I had been taking 14 pills a day since I was 12, and have been completely off it all since May.

When I recovered from my surgery I decided to start my own business (cleaning) and for the past 3 months have been working almost 10 hour days plus taking my kids on the weekends. Since July I have been in what my doctor calls an extreme manic phase/mixed state. I have lost over 50 pounds (Im now down to 133 pounds) I sleep maybe 5-6 hours a night...I feel like I could go and go and go but inside I feel like dying.

I keep hearing close frinds (I do have alot of supportive friends) telling me I should be back on meds...but I am very resistant to doing that and at this point I feel like if I work myself into the ground- OH WELL.

Altho I had an addiction at one point, I have not used in a number of months and yet friends still ask me "are you drinking???" serveral times a week when Im on the phone with them...my personality is very "UP" and I laugh, make jokes...but inside I just want it to all stop.

Im very confused because in a way I feel extremely depressed...but I have so much bloody energy and cant' seem to slow down, which in turn scrwes my back up and I am supposed to have a fusion surgery done...but its like Im running from the train taht is zooming down the tracks...I just keep running no matter wat.

Sorry if this doesnt make sense. Any feedback would be much appreciated and YES, I know I should probabyl be back on meds but I just feel like I was on them for so many years and it didnt prevent me from hospitalizations or suicide attempts...

DMT · 11-16-2009, 12:23 PM

get back on your medication absolutely. First you are completely NOT self aware. You perceive the meds as limiting you and they have been working to stabilize you. You find it acceptable to not sleep, and to work yourself to death this is profoundly unhealthy for a bipolar individual. you have not accepted that being bipolar is to take personal responsibility for being bipolar and you have not made any effort in your life except to take medications. If you never make any steps to both accept your medical condition, your genetic predisposition then you are locked into taking medications. It's a rather sticky wicket if you really think about it and clearly you have not. In order to get off meds you have to fully assume so much that you have clearly not done at this time.

Wise52 · 11-17-2009, 10:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JanetPinky

This may get a bit long...but any advice/words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

A bit of myself before I start: I'm 31 yrs old, divorced with kids (they live with their father) and was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar 3.5 years ago, as well as post traumatic stress syndrome. My sister comitted suicide when I was 11 and from that point on I hit severe depression/suicide attempts and numerous (months at a time) hospital admissions. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as a teen...and then 3 years ago was diagnosed with bipolar.

I was married for 8 years to a very abusive guy and was hospital free for that period of time, and was a stay at home mom to my kids. I (finally)got the nerve to leave him in June 06 and my hospital admissions started again. I had shock treatment last summer which caused me to lose all of my memory, I wouldnt say it helped me.

This past Feb. I was suddenly diagnosed with 2 back diseases(degenerative disk disease and spinal stenosis) when I literally woke up and couldn't walk...had emergency surgery in may to remove 2 disks and was wheelchair bound for almost 3 months.

It was shortly after that when I stopped all my medication..I had been taking 14 pills a day since I was 12, and have been completely off it all since May.

When I recovered from my surgery I decided to start my own business (cleaning) and for the past 3 months have been working almost 10 hour days plus taking my kids on the weekends. Since July I have been in what my doctor calls an extreme manic phase/mixed state. I have lost over 50 pounds (Im now down to 133 pounds) I sleep maybe 5-6 hours a night...I feel like I could go and go and go but inside I feel like dying.

I keep hearing close frinds (I do have alot of supportive friends) telling me I should be back on meds...but I am very resistant to doing that and at this point I feel like if I work myself into the ground- OH WELL.

Altho I had an addiction at one point, I have not used in a number of months and yet friends still ask me "are you drinking???" serveral times a week when Im on the phone with them...my personality is very "UP" and I laugh, make jokes...but inside I just want it to all stop.

Im very confused because in a way I feel extremely depressed...but I have so much bloody energy and cant' seem to slow down, which in turn scrwes my back up and I am supposed to have a fusion surgery done...but its like Im running from the train taht is zooming down the tracks...I just keep running no matter wat.

Sorry if this doesnt make sense. Any feedback would be much appreciated and YES, I know I should probabyl be back on meds but I just feel like I was on them for so many years and it didnt prevent me from hospitalizations or suicide attempts...

Yes, you are bipolar, probably type 1 which is more manic. You have boundless energy and don't want to give it up. I didn't either. But the depression, thoughts of suicide are too dangerous to ignore, so I take an antidepressant, which keeps me on more of an even keel. I totally understand how good it feels to get a lot done in a day. But the black hole of depression is too much to handle, especially if you have the responsibility of kids (even visiting them is important). I'm so sorry your sister committed suicide; it's not something you get over. I suggest you see a psychiatrist that specializes in mental illness and get yourself more stabilized on meds. Good luck! Lynn