I think it's over...he said it was over last night. Please read through this and tell me what you think. I haven't slept much all night and I cancelled going into work today because I am a mess...I need to write this all down as I have no one to talk to about this..
Last night, I went out with the bf, we went out to meet his cousin who is in town on business. I had never met him before and was excited to meet some family members from away. The three of us went to a pub, sat down to chat. I had one drink and a water (all i had for the night as I was driving). The bf and his cousin had a few beers... during the last part of the time at that pub, though, my bf *downed* his 3rd beer quite quickly and then drank about 3/4 of his cousin's beer (so had about 4 pints to himself). His cousin was good about it. All was fine...we left that pub..travelled on down the street to another place to chat some more. Along the way, my bf's cousin pulls out a very tiny, thinly rolled joint. His cousin didn't want any of it and neither did I. My bf smoked it. After the small j, we found another quaint pub...and sat down. I order a water, bf and his cousin order some more drinks, a beer for his cousin, however now my bf is mixing it up..orders a rum & coke. I start to think that trouble is a-brewing, and the bf is starting to act completely out of it. My bf drinks the rum and coke pretty quickly and then goes to the bathroom... he's acting quite odd, but I didn't want to stir things up...he hadn't seen his cousin in years (they had been close when they were younger), and this was the first time I had met the cousin. It was very awkward, but I tried to be patient and put on a good face. During the time my bf is gone to the bathroom, one the waiter comes out and says "Is he (my bf) OK? He wants to order another drink and he seems to be teetering a bit. I'm not going to let him drink anymore." The cousin and I are good about it, say he's Ok, and say that we will keep an eye on him. His cousin gave me a bit of a worried look and said something to the effect of "I'm not sure what's going on." I said that he was probably OK... The bf comes back and then leaves to order another drink (all the time I'm relieved because the waiter said he wouldn't serve him anymore and I didn't want to cause a scene). Low and behold, he comes back with a shot of rye... who the f**k served him, I don't know...at this point I'm wishing for the night to be over quickly, although I haven't even gotten to the bad part, yet...
So, he downs the rye, and comes back with three more shots for each of us. I'm allergic to rye, and wouldn't drink it ANYWAY, seeing as I was driving and it was getting late. My bf ended up chugging two of the shots and his cousin one of them...
...the first part of the night is over..we pay and get up to leave..thank GOD, right?
...so my bf is starting to act completely f**ked. Saying strange things...grabbing my hand to hold it and then throwing my hand away from him. We're all chatting a bit off and on, and i can tell his cousin thinks that things are a little off with my bf. My bf then grabs the back of my neck SO hard and squeezes it, it hurt so badly and I was trying to pry his fingers off of me, asking what he was doing and telling him he was hurting me and to let go. Bf proceeds to pull me along the sidewalk for a good 30 seconds in this fashion. The cousin was walking behind us when this happened, so I know that he saw it...and was probably shocked. He finally let go. We got back to the cousin's hotel..start to say our goodbyes (I'm almost in tears but didn't do anything). I ask for the keys to my bf's car(my bf drove that night), and my bf is throwing the keys high in the air...dropping them in front of people..and then walking up behind people and following them. It it was all so weird, I really didn't know what to do or think.
So finally, his cousin left. My bf and I walk back to the car (I finally had the keys), and then he tries to make small talk about the good weather. I turn to him and say "Don't you ~ever~ grab my neck like that again." I had tears coming to my eyes at this point, but I didn't want to crack...but I couldn't help it, I was in total shock. He looks at me with a blank stare and says "What? I did what? What did i do? I'm sorry, I don't remember doing that." We get to the car and my bf sits down on the sidewalk, I ask him if he's going to get in. He gets up, and yells something at me. I get in the car and wait. My bf sits there for a bit and then gets in the car. We drive away...I start to accelerate a bit and my bf YELLS at me "Slow the f**k down!! I can't keep up with you anymore." He's acting so weird. We start pulling away from downtown and he says "Where are you taking me? Are we going to the cottage? Yeah..let's go to the cottage, we can get back in time for tomorrow." I tell him we're not going to the cottage. I think he's loosing it. We get back to his place....
We're in his driveway, and I'm thinking that I want to calm him down and tell him what happened. I tell him what happened, what made me so upset (the fact that he grabbed my neck and yanked me along the street and was yelling at me...all for no reason). My bf can't remember doing it, says sorry in this really loud voice. I told him that it didn't matter that he said sorry..it was that he did it. He yells at me "I SAID I WAS SORRY!!!!". We go inside, downstairs to his room, and I get into bed...he's pulling out various shirts and asking me what I think of them on me. Some time has passed and I think he's calming down. He starts to quiet his voice and says "Baby, I'm sorry." I sat up and calmly told him what had happened...he looks like he is coherent, and then grabs a bag of weed and says he's going to roll the biggest joint, etc, etc and get juiced. I told him I was going to leave if he rolled anything else and smoked it. He relents somewhat...we start talking about what happened, I'm telling him that if he ever grabs me like he did eariler or does anything disrespectful towards me again, that I'm walking away. All of a sudden, he switches and starts saying "What? What did I do? Did I hurt you?" and then starts talking about something completely different than the topic at hand...not following me at all. I'm so tired and fed up at this point, so I say to him "You need to sleep, you can't understand anything that I'm saying to you. Let's talk tomorrow, I'm going to go home." He then says "No...we aren't ever talking AGAIN..if you walk out that door, and we don't talk tonight, we're through!" I got up in his face, started yelling at him and telling him what I had to put up with when he got like this..we yelled for a bit. I got my purse and shoes and walked upstairs. I was shaking.
I went to walk out the front door and he ran behind me and slammed it..said that I was to call a cab..because he was worried about me getting home, didn't want anything to happen to me..and that when I got home I could complain all I wanted. I looked at him and said "So you know the choice you made, that you want it over."..to which he replied "When you get home you can complain about whatever you want...you F**KING B**CH...I don't care if you die." and then he says "I just care about you so much that I don't want anything to happen to you." He then called a cab...and then we waited...he wouldn't let me go outside. He then said that he was going to slap me and then pounded the phone book. Then he walked around the house...came back to where I was sitting...crouched down, pretended to vehemently gag at my feet.. and then said that we should wait outside. I walked out ahead of him and saw the cab coming. He came up behind me and picked me up and hugged me tightly and said "I love you."
I left and went home....apparently it's over...
Please....
...what's going on here?? I feel like I'm loosing my mind...I'm so lost and confused, please help me.
dazed and confused,
blurr
Ready to fall apart...:( what's going on here??? what should I do?
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