meth has taken over my world

[SpicyJayda18]

My name is Stefanie. I am about to go to rehab tomorrow. I am scared but then iam not. ive been a doped out tweeker for about 3 years(sometimes i would quit for a week then go back and not stop for about a year....i had to quit when i was pregant but as soon as i had my son i had to have it.)now......iam 18 i never got to graduate.....i always thought of turning 18 being so "cool" it is nothing like what i thought it would be. my son is gone he is with my dad and whenever i get out of rehab i get him back. i know that this will be a slow process but i just wanted to speak out to the public that life is so much more than meth. i have a beautiful son that i have not seen in a long time and i cant wait until the day i see him. he is 8 months old. for a long time i was scared to have him because i thought that i needed a "man" but Tyler, my son, he can be my man. i have so so many stories to tell. it would take forever. but there is one thing i want to say. my "opiNion" on meth is....it is *****. i mean think about it.....you tweekers out there know what iam talking about whenever i say this.....its one thing to be up for 3 or 4 days and start seeing things.......but its a whole different story when your tweeker buddy sitten next to you is seeing the same thing? kinda wierd huh? maybe iam crazy but iam getting off that **** its a downward spiral with missing steps to make it back up. but I WILL. yeah iam not gunna lie right now and tomorrow and for awhile iam going to be thinking about that taste in my mouth when i smoke dope....man thats good.....or that burning thats scary, but yet feels so good going up your nose. i cant explain the feeling or the want i have but i hate the fact that whenever i go to bed tonight iam going to be thinking about it. its kinda like iam 2 different people. one brain says you need to get your life together and raise your son. then the other brain says you can do that later(knowing i wont...) why dont you just get some more that way you wont have to feel down about your messed up life plus if you do more you wont have to think about bad ****(yet you do....) then you can get your line ready and snort it and aww..... doesnt that feel good. then when you smoke your a 6 or 7 really good hits you can feel and become "Dr. Fu**ing Phil" himself. (i mean smokin that dope makes me feel like that...lol...my mouth doesnt close....i go on and on and on about every thing. in my head just for that 20 or 40 minute high i have i think i know everything)
i dont hear voices or anything i think thats a bunch of bull but i do think all this up. A lot of things just pop up in my mind, a bunch of wierd stuff. i want it to stop. i feel like my brain is going to explode. it feels like its too full. i know i need help but am i really addicted. because i feel like i can stop at anytime but i really dont know. i do know that something is going wrong up there in my head. i have been saying things i dont even understand. people say that my stories are mixed up. i add in words that dont need to be added. (my stories are like puzzles.....you have to put it together.) but yet iam all cool about it like iam fine. another thing is i have been talking to myself. not crazy stuff but i will be sitting there and all of the sudden i start talking like someone is next to me. i mean maybe its the energy or maybe thats my way of getting out my emotions (you know some people write or draw...i do both of those as well...) but whenever iam talkin to myself i get really emotional and sad and i cry and laugh and yell. (keep in mind this is when iam tweekin) and what hurts me the most is when i pray ill notice myself praying too fast like iam trying to get it over with or ill forget that iam even praying and start thinkin other things....or sometimes ill have to pray outloud because its like my mind is talking at the sametime. not just about dope but about all kinds of things. i mean ill be sitting there telling god to help me i mean begging him and telling him to make me a strong person and at the same time i hear "duh da you him love kids life blah you blah like love married da duh this that mommy" this **** is getting old. iam scared because i dont want to live like this forever. i know that this isent the way life is suppose to be. every morning when i wake up like around 1 or 3 p.m. (that is if i sleep) i have wasted most of the day by sleeping. (what i hate the most is whenever you are up all night long tweekin and the sun starts to come up.)but anyways when i wake up i dont even want to get out of bed. i dont want to get dressed. i start thinkin about how i HAVE to get out of bed because ill just lay there like a veggie. and then i think what if i do get up....... i am going to ache when i walk i have to take a shower put on clothes and fix my hair and then what? go back and sit down? and wait for more dope that way i can talk and talk and draw and draw? but anyways ill just sit there then eventually ill get up and go to a friends house and i feel as if they are thinking "what the ***"(about me) being on dope around people who dont do dope bothers me. the ENTIRE time i am around them i feel this feeling like they are watching me. watching me everytime i move my head (at the same time i keep moving my head iam thinking are they thinking i am moving my head to much so i stop but my head keeps moving) but in my life that i have right now if i dont go to a friends i am waiting for something to happen? i mean you would think me having all this energy from dope i would be able to get dressed and just do all kinds of things. i know this may sound wierd but i dont do that anymore. i use too. my first 8 or 9 months of meth i would clean like i have never cleaned before. i would reorganize things. i would go work out and dance. that was the happy tweek i guess. but now i just sit there and draw, write stories, curl my hair, and put on makeup. if i started one of these things i could go up to 10 or 12 hours straight doing these things without stopping. my hair was probably burnt, i looked like a clown with no eyebrows, my right hand was completely numb from drawing when i say numb i mean NO feeling in my thumb and pointer finger. i dont get the same feelings from dope that i use too. i just do my thing while thinking about everything. one night when i was smoking dope we were using a light bulb and we had been smoking for about 4 or 5 hours straight and finally when it was time to stop i thought that there would at least be one more hit in there so i took it and lit the bottom and tried for about 20 or 25 minutes trying to get a hit. there was nothing in there to begin with and the people around me was telling me but i knew in my head that that little crumb i see in that bulb is gunna burn(it never did) but finally they would have to force it out of my hands because i needed that one last hit (which i could honestly probably smoke myself to death if i had enough dope......and whats sad is i dont even realize it.) i am so out there. i cant do back flips but i bet i would sit there and think about it.
i could go on and on about my past 3 years (excluding my 7 months i was clean because i was pregnant) but talking about all this is not helping me any. i want people out there to know that iam not saying the way i feel is what happens to others...but i know how i feel and yeah i do blame it on dope. its turned me into a completely different person.iam suprised that people dont ask me "hey...wheres stefanie?" iam not stefanie at this point in my life. because this is no way to live. i may be 18 but i am a person too...i have feelings too...and i have a son that needs me and i need him. i WILL become a mother, the way a mom should be. I may be alone but years from now i would rather say damn i did it and be proud then still waiting for something to happen with my clownface(too much makeup) and my 10 hour curled hair......but if anyone does read this there is something i want to ask....i have 2 brothers 15 and 16 and 2 sisters 13 and 11 and they are just growing and i never NEVER ever want them to go down my road. but i cant just tell them "hey dont do dope...its bad" they wont listen.....i didnt so why should they? and how can i raise my son to do the right things and make the right decisions on his own? but please help......tomorrow is another day and i am going to admit myself to rehab tomorrow morning......there is a beautiful life out there without having to depend on something(drugs) to make it better. thank you for listening *Stefanie*

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*Stefanie*

[BJM]

Stefanie, you have a void in your life that only God can fill. all the rehab's in the world won't help you untill you rely on Jesus to get you through this. I will be praying for you!

[This message has been edited by BJM (edited 03-05-2003).]

[ChristinaD]

Hi Stephanie,
It sounds to me that you are accomplishing the most important thing already, you want to help yourself and you know that there is a beautiful life out there and that is the most important step, wanting to help yourself.
I have many friends that have been down your road. Some that have come out of it with the help of family, themselves and having faith and are doing wonderfully with their family and children of their own. I have also had ones who it seems, will never get away from it unless something terrible happens. I have known of 2 in my past circle of friends that didn't want to help themselves and now they are gone.
You seem to be very bright and aware of your problems and you can do this. You are strong. You are also very blessed with a little boy who is just waiting for his mommy. You know it will take time and alot of hard work and some real tough times but in the end you will be well again and someday you will put this all behind you and it will just be labeled as an "experience". Sure, it will be in your thoughts for awhile maybe quite awhile but you will pull through and be whole again. Hang in there sweetie, there is a very rewarding life ahead of you and you will get there just be patient and know that you are strong and you little Tyler is awaiting.

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) ))))))))))))))

Christina http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

[Sinnrah]

Hi,

I am a recovering tweeker too. I live in Arizona where it is like tweeker central. I was up for two months straight just tweekin my butt off.

i woke up one day and realized I was killing myself. I am older than you are though. I was already out of the house and had just recently divorced. I was living life on the wild side.

I knew the only way out was leaving that area and going home to my parents. So at 27 I left and never returned. I am now 32 married and sober off of meth for 5 years...never to look back again. I have God in my life and am finally happy.

Take one day at a time. I quit cold turkey. And a lot of people can not do that. But that is how I do everything..cold turkey..no rehabs for me...just quit and move on.

But I wish you the best of luck..and I know it is hard. But you do have a lot to live for. That is your little boy..

Your post described exactly how I felt at one time. I loved to watch it cob web in the glass pipe. I liked to make my own pipes. I loved all of it. but it gets old.
And you are right..it is a downspiral..it is the DEVIL himself..
I really hope for you sake and your son that you stay away from it...

You will only be able to raise your son the best that you can..when he is old enough to make his own decisions he will do what he wants. People also learn from their own mistakes and not the mistakes of others. If I knew then what I know now...man I would have never touched the stuff.

Admitting you have a problem is definitely a step in the right direction...so you hang in there ok?
I will also be praying for you..

God Bless
Take care
Sinnrah

[AtTheBeach]

I am so glad that you are getting into rehab. Get away from that stuff and stay away. But don't be ashamed that you are human. We all have made mistakes. All we can do is move on.