Does anyone ever worry about how a relationship might change your life?

[Mattm4000]

ok, I have a bit of a strange question by some standards, atleast I think its a bit strange.lol.

Has anyone ever been afraid to make the transition from being single to being involved in a relationship because you were concerned about how it might change your life?

I am 28 and I have been single a long time. Just over 7 years to be exact. I have gone out on dates and things like that with girls over the years but nothing that ever turned serious. My last relationship I had lasted for 3 years and when I was with her we spent an incredible amount of time together. We lived only three blocks apart so there was really no effort involved in going to see one another. During the day I worked a full time job. She was a few years younger then me so she was a full time student during the day. But during the week in the evenings and on the weekends and holidays,etc.. we would spend virtually all our free time together. I wasn't complaining because I enjoyed staying busy and I felt like I had a full life and that kind of thing but then after we broke up and I ended up with alot more free time on my hands, I started to realize how preoccupied that she had me and how many other things I was neglecting by always being with her. I would have mail that I hadn't even opened for days because I had no time.

Now, I have been trying to meet someone to start a relationship again because I am tired of being alone and I do want to share my life with someone again but sometimes I just think to myself how I have become kind of set in my ways over the years that I have been single and how I am used to having some time to myself and how I do enjoy that but I also know how much I would enjoy it to have a girlfriend again. I kind of feel like there are parts of me that are afraid to give up the freedom of being single but I think if I did then I would be ok with it but I am a little afraid to make the leap.


Its not just that, another problem I have is I work alot and some of the hours are a bit unusual. Like for instance I work every Saturday just about. I work 49 out of the 52 saturdays of the year. The only time I am off on a Saturday is if it is one of the three weeks that I am on vacation. If I was dating a girl and she wanted to go out late on a Friday night it would be virtually impossible for me. I get up around 6:30am on Saturdays and that also happens to be the busiest day at work and I can't show up there like a Zombie, then Saturday nights are just as bad because I am tired that night also because I worked all week and was up since 6:30 in the morning! lol.

Does anyone relate to this?
Does this make sense to anyone? Hopefully it does.lol.

[Larrylou'smom]

Actually, I think almost everyone except the most rock solid, steady, immovable people feel this way and have these concerns. It's walking a tricky fine line between making room in your life for another person, not being able to just get up and go whereever whenever, another person's schedule, feelings, values, etc. have to be consulted. It's a fine line to walk between making room for someone without losing yourself in the process. I"ve made the mistake of making someone my whole world, losing myself and who I was and making it all about my love for him, then of course when he up and left, I had nothing, not even myself, anymore. That's what's so scary about letting another person in, I think, basically giving them your heart and risking them ripping it apart and it never being the same again. I've only loved once, and I've never been loved, so I don't know if I have any great words of wisdom for you, but I think you just have to be open, and not just to love or romantic relationships, but to any kind of relationships. It's not only about trusting the other person, but it's also about trusting yourself to be a good partner, to be loving and giving, and still be true to yourself, and to know that you can love them with all your heart, and still be ok if they decide to walk away.

Iv'e been sigle all my life except for two years in my early 30s when I dated my ex off and on, and like I said, I was crazy in love with him, but he never really loved me, I don't think, and that was about 10 years ago. I've gotten so used to being single now, it would really take some serious effort on my part to want to go out on a date on Friday night instead of going to a movie or a nice long walk by myself, because I've learned to take pleasure in that. out of necessity, I've had to learn to really enjoy my own company, and now that I do so much, most of the time, I enjoy my own company ABOVE anyone else's! But if I did meet someone I felt comfortable with and actually wanted to spend time with, then of course, I'd be going through all the things you're going through now. It's not easy. If it were, this board wouldn't be here!! But if you're lucky, you will meet someone who will make giving up the little "single life" things feel like no sacrifice at all.

[ErimusValidus]

Hey, Mattm4000! I don't have conscious concerns about this, but it is something that I acknowledge. Since breaking up with my ex three weeks ago, my social life has been on ecstasy the whole time; it's literally been tiring me out. I threw myself into my social life as a means of getting over my ex, but at the same time I recognised how much I had neglected my many great friends in the year that I spent with my ex. So, yes, although I don't worry about it at the time I'm in a happy relationship (because that's the zenith for me), I do relate to what you're saying. But what I think you have to realise is that it's up to you and your partner whether you allow your relationship to have a negative affect on your personal lives.

It is very important - as I have learned from my mistakes - for two people in a relationship to lead a balanced life. Your worries seem to be based on your experience of your last serious relationship; that's perfectly natural. Perhaps - as I plan to do - when you next find yourself in a serious relationship, you should make the effort not to spend too much time with your girlfriend so that the two of you can nurture the other relationships and hobbies in your lives. But, conversely, you also have to recognise when your personal life has a negative effect on your love life. You have to invest time in a relationship so that the two of you feel comfortable to allow one another to have time apart. This is something that my parents haven't managed in 35 years of marriage

[Post-It]

Hi Matt,

When I began dating my husband, I also had this concern. With my ex, we had spent so much of our time together, that once we broke up, I didn't really know what to do with myself. Eventually I started having a social life again and was leading a pretty full and fulfilling life when I met my husband. I remember being unsure that I wanted to start a relationship because I loved my life. Well, all I can say is that the right person will be a compliment to your life, not someone who takes over it and sucks the life out of you! We have greatly maintained our social lives while continuing to date, graduate college, get our first jobs and so on. And just 6 months ago we got married! So, it can be done. If I read your story right, you were pretty young when you had that 3-year relationship, right? When we are that age, sometimes we have a hard time figuring out the right balance between relationships and our own lives. I know for my husband and I, it is a learning experience from time to time. We make it a priority to have our own interests and friends that are separate from the relationship - that's healthy!

I think the women you will date at this age will be much more in line with your thinking and may understand your lifestyle (work) better!

[ChinaCatSunflower]

I totally understand where you are coming from and I can especially relate to LarryLou's Mom. I am 30 and have been single (no dates at all, my choice) for just over a year now. My entire life, through college and after, I was a "serial monogomist", meaning I dated one person at a time and the relationships lasted 1-3 years, but as soon as I stopped dating someone, I would meet someone else, and another relationship would begin. Like you, I would usually spend most of my free time with the other person - all my plans pretty much involved that person, or at least I considered the person even when I was making plans with friends or family. When I was dating my last boyfriend, I would find myself wishing I was doing other things or that I just had a little time to myself. Of course, he was also pushing for us to move in, discuss marriage, etc., and I just wasn't ready. Anyway, ever since I broke up with him, I have loved, LOVED my life. I have plenty of friends if I ever need company, but it is just me and my dog most nights and I love it. There have even been times I have turned down friends' invitations to go out just to hang at home and watch a movie with my dog. I have also taken up a new hobby, playing the banjo, and I spend hours practicing or going to bluegrass jams. I bought a 1963 Camper and restored it all by myself over the past year. I find that I get way more personal growth and satisfaction from these activities than I ever did from being in a relationship. I do not want to give up all my "me" time to have a relationship. I don't want to have to consider someone else when I'm making plans or just want to stay at home. I do NOT want someone to cut into my practice times! All this may change one day but for now, I am single and absolutely loving it.