In the midst, still, but OK

[Brenda555]

Hi,
I'm glad that other thread was finished, it was probably getting out of hand.

For those who have read and know the story and who have asked how I'm doing. Thank you. Well, I have alot of mixed emotions for different reasons.

I did have that appointment with the Dr. today, to discuss mainly what has happened and suboxone treatment towards the end. The "woman" did call the Dr. and I was more than a little upset, of course, that she is still considering making a police report. And, I understand her reasoning. As much as I understand her 'reasoning' of course, I know that I'm not a criminal and this was a big wakeup call. This will never happen again.

But the Dr. told me that this woman feels a responsibility towards the rest of the world, like since I still have access to people's houses, I might do it to them as well. That's good reasoning, but given after 3 years of doing this,this has never happened before, and won't again (I say this now with 100% sureness). So, perhaps she has the responsibility, still, of calling the police.

At the same time, the Dr. did validate that I already sought treatment options a few weeks ago, and that I had intended to detox November 1 through an outpatient detox facility, and then decide whether I want to try suboxone - or not. Since I'm not sure I can stay away from these pills, I'm thinking I should give suboxone a chance. Maybe it will turn my life around in a positive way that I'm not expecting.

So, I began, inside, to still feel fearfuol and scared, that my life still has the possibility of becoming blemished, etc. I also thought, noone has the rsponsibility other than "me" of ensuring that this never happens again, and it's not really law enforcements responsibility.

So - I was scared enough in knowing that I will be getting off the pills soon, but now I still have the added fear of her not letting it drop, even after she talked to the Dr. !

All I could do was re-contact her and reiterate what my intentions were for treatment, what date, she could have a written contract (if she likes) that this was going to take place. And most of my clients are repeats that I have built up a trust with, and this current behavior was out of the ordinary (which is true).

You know, I love animals. I love taking care of them and giving them what I would give my own. doesn't pay much but to take that away from me would be ruining my life-in addition to having a mark on my life for the future for having done this reprehensible thing.

I don't know what else to say or do except try and focus and prepare myself mentally for detox and that scares me in itself.

So, I feel very not at peace with myself and the rest of the world. Sometimes I get too cepressed and it scares me, because these past few weeks I've thought of ending it. I don't because of my pets.

Brenda

[Monday1954]

Brenda, on another thread I started (we can all learn from everyone), I wrote about a drug court that just started here and believe me, Alabama is not known as being progressive. If you have drug charges filed against you and you plead guilty, and agree to go through their program, when you get finished you go back before the judge and the charges will be dropped. Don't have any idea if they have such a program where you are, but it sounds like a great idea to me. Instead of jail, get people treatment, give them another chance. So I don't bore people with details, if you are interested go there and read the article I'm talking about. Monday

[Julie29]

Brenda,
Wow thats alot to handle right now I agree but please don't talk of hurting yourself. I think you are already hurting enough. First things first which would be taking care of yourself. I was a little un clear about what you are going to do about the suboxone..did the Dr. offer you this option? If so when can you start? From what I have heard here on this board you will barely miss a beat (continuing with work and responsibilities) once you start the treatment.

This "woman" is still really angry and scared. I think she will calm down...knowing that you have actually started some kind of treatment would most likely calm her anger and fears a little. I too am a huge animal lover and even though I take very good care of them...If I wern't an addict I would take GREAT care of them. They are a HUGE part of why I desperately HAVE to get clean.

Remember this "woman" feels really violated and she is dealing with that and saying that she wants to do this( file a report)..(warn others) is part of her process to get over this experience and all that goes with it. Perhaps you can talk to her further...didn't you say that you communicate with her via email? It really does sound like she wants some kind of gaurentee that you are going to get treatment.

I hope that you will begin to forgive yourself and start some kind of treatment soon. Please let us know how it's going and know that you have support here.Julie

[Allycat]

Well, Brenda, to me I think the woman needs to either do it or shut up. I know that's putting it bluntly but enough is enough of the torture. To me, she should have never even asked for your docs number if she wasn't totally going to accept that and move on. She seems to be dragging this out and I think she should either press the charges or let it go and move on. I believe that is what I would have to ask her too. You were in the wrong, but I don't think she has the right to continue to wobble on the fence with YOU being the fence. Ally

[Brenda555]

Hi julie,
First, yes the Dr. offered me the suboxone abouot a month ago, as an option, however, at the time, I was undecided about everything. I don't think I was ready to to even stop and at the time, it wasn't as out of control as it is now. It's only recently that I called them up and they found out that it was covered by my insurance, which is something that was weighing on my mind before I made the decision about suboxone.

I can begin that immediately, altho she says some people get very sick for a few days (like w/d) when they go from one to another; others do better, but she said it's always wise to wait at least 24 hours. So I want to be sure that I'm ready in my life, mentally and for other reasons, that when i begin this, I will be committed to it. I suppose I could begin tomorrow with the threat of the legal system being brought into it, but that would be unfortunate. The intentions are there, and I have circled the date on my calendar. I told her the date, and told her I'd provide it in writing when the process begins, etc. and keep her posted, and to give me time for taking responsibility for this.

I understand how betrayed and angry this woman still is. We did talk in person, and it seems the things she said to me in person differed from what she spoke to the Dr. about. She said she would not press charges; she didn't want to ruin my life. But now, she feels a resonsibility to do so because I may do this again to somebody else. In reality, anybody might do something again, whether they are arrested or not.

I called her, encouraged her to call me and talk to me. She has nothing to be afraid of, although I know she doesn't know that. As for taking care of animals, the vicodins that I am taking only make me feel normal at this point in time. My own animals, as well as others, get alot of love, perhaps too much, as when I isolate, I isolate with them, and they alot of attention.

I did E-mail her; should I post it here? Does anyone want to see it. I would appreciate no bashing if you can help it. I haven't really forgiven myself for this and for alot of things actually. Everything that I've ever done wrong for some reason, is resurfacing, and that's why I felt like ending it all over the weekend. I suddenly felt like a horrible person.

And Monday, I did read you post..and where I live they probably have soemthing similar; treatment not jail, etc. but the Dr. was saying that, say on job applications, there's have you ever commmited a felony? that is taken very seriously now? I would hate to have to mark that yes. I don't think I could live with that.....

Brenda