Boy, the things I've done...

[OCPercOS]

Hey everybody. I have been doing a lot of pondering on my addiction to the OxyContin & Percocet. So much so that I am finding it very hard to concentrate on my studies. This addiction is consuming every part of my thoughts and actions. I had mentioned that I spent over three hours in pursuit of Percocet to keep as a 'stash' since my mother took away my OxyContin. I went to my OS and said the OC was giving me severe migraines, which they were, and if I could go onto something else(I had Percocet in mind, of course...). He did suggest the Percocet, and he asked what doseage I would like to go on to, and I said I did not care, at least I was off the OCs. He did write me a script for the Percs, and I went to a whole new pharmacy just to get them filled. God, I feel so horrible about this.I am just waiting for the lightning bolt to strike me. I suprise myself more and more with this addiction. I was so desperate that I didn't care. Now I do. I have read every one of everybody's posts to me on the last topic, and you all have given me such insight into what is going to eventually kill me. But why don't I think of those things when I am doing the things that I have done? This addiction has consumed me, and spark, I feel you are right about the taper - it won't work. But I can't go CT, I just can't. Missing medical school is just impossible. I have been thinking about Suboxone or Methadone, but do they help with real pain issues as well? I fear they won't help my knee pain, which is real, but I am also so afraid of being without these pills. They are slowly destroying my life, but I can't stand to be without them. What an oxy moron. I'm a moron. I DO want to stop this evil addiction, but everyday it seems less and less possible. I want to be there for my patients, my fiancé, and my future children. Today, I have taken three chewed 10 mg OxyContins and 6 Percocets. I am sure more will be taken later, because I have no self control over these pills. It's so amazing how an inatimate object can have such force and power over you than most people do. Everyday I hate this more & more, but I still get deeper and more desperate. David won't be home until tomorrow, so I won't be able to talk to him until tomorrow. We love each other so much, but it will be unbearable to see how heartbroken he will be about this. I thought I was better than this, but I guess when it comes to prescription drug addictions, anyone is game. But I want to win it, and that is seeming less and less likely.

~Stella


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Medical Student, 4th year(senior) - Boston University Medical School - Applying for Orthopaedic Surgery residency

3 Knee Surgeries - Lateral Retinacular Release, Maquet Procedure, & Arthroscopic Debridement

Unable to walk correctly(limp), very small ROM, 2-3 hrs. of sleep each night due to pain, knee gives out, crunches, clicks, pops, grinds, et cetera...

Physical Therapy 7 times - Best Friend is PTist - Will open joint practice upon (hopeful) finishing of Ortho residency

Engaged to wonderful neurosurgery resident - I love you, David!

Taking OxyCodone products(Percocet, OxyContin) for over a year - Dependent & Addicted to them - trying to get better & stop

[rlcowboy]

Hey I have to disagree about the tapper. I know if you are to really commit and make up your mind that you will follow the tapper schedule then you can! One thing that I would really recomend is to give your pills to someone you trust to give them to you, it works http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif By doing this you will see that it just takes a few days or maybe just a day to adjust to the new dose, but you will adjust!!! It is just human nature to take the path of least resistance, but you can do it, I mean I have heard great stuff about the sub. but wouldnt that be trading one pill for another and sooner or later wouldnt you eventualy need to tapper off of it too, which will be uncomfortable? Just wondering?

[Hopefortoday]

"I have read every one of everybody's posts to me on the last topic, and you all have given me such insight into what is going to eventually kill me. But why don't I think of those things when I am doing the things that I have done?"

Because you have the disease of addiction, Stella and it has control/power over you right now. Those pills are so seductive and powerful.

Only you can decide how you're going to get on the road to recovery. Missing medical school is a blip on the radar as far as your entire life is concerned. When my husband's sponsor told him that he needed inpatient treatment for his addiction, we both thought . . . "NO WAY!" Not with our family, his law practice and partners, etc. etc. etc. But we were talking life and death with him so he went. You will eventually get to a point that you will do anything to get clean . . . I just hope you don't lose what some on this board have before it gets to that point.

As far as pain issues, I don't know that much about your knee pain, but a lot of times when addicts go into withdrawals their pain is magnified and I've heard my husband describe it has his body was screaming for the pain meds when actuality it was just the painful withdrawals.

Good luck to you. Suboxone along with working the 12 steps have saved my husband's life and my marriage and family.

[OCPercOS]

Thanks for the replies, guys. I feel the taper won't work for me because I have no willpower when it comes to these pills. They consume most of my thoughts besides med school-related thoughts(which there are A LOT of ). I have done such sneaky things to attain these pills, with such an example being of my pursuit of Percocet for over three hours on Friday to get a "stash". I do desperately want to become independent from these pills; I feel as if they are my engine and my gas. And Hope, I know what you mean about missing med school being a 'blip' on the radar of life & recovery, but I am in rotations now, and missing more than a day is like a sin! I just don't know; I am between a rock and a hard place with this. These teensy little white and bitter tasting pills have such a hold on me that I thought was never possible. I thought I was a strong, determined person - but when it comes to these pills, that goes all down the drain.

~Stella


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Medical Student, 4th year(senior) - Boston University Medical School - Applying for Orthopaedic Surgery residency

3 Knee Surgeries - Lateral Retinacular Release, Maquet Procedure, & Arthroscopic Debridement

Unable to walk correctly(limp), very small ROM, 2-3 hrs. of sleep each night due to pain, knee gives out, crunches, clicks, pops, grinds, et cetera...

Physical Therapy 7 times - Best Friend is PTist - Will open joint practice upon (hopeful) finishing of Ortho residency

Engaged to wonderful neurosurgery resident - I love you, David!

Taking OxyCodone products(Percocet, OxyContin) for over a year - Dependent & Addicted to them - trying to get better & stop

[rlcowboy]

Hey OC,if you dont mind telling me, what times durring the day are you taking the percs and how many each time and the total for each day? I got started taking percocet two months before my spinal fusion surgery, I have grade 2 spondylolisthesis, and I always stuck to my correct dosage. Anyway sometime after the surgery I tried Lortab 10s for a while, just cause the doctor was able to put refills on the bottle. Anyway I remember what got my attention. I started taking too many this one week and I ended up running out 4 days early, didnt know that the pharmacy wouldnt refil early. Well I had never heard of withdrawals but I found out about them on my second day without my meds, and it was a bad feeling to say the least! At that point when I got my bottle filled I made up my mind that I would never go through that again so I came up with how many I just had to take to control some of the pain and stuck to it, although I was uncomfortable for like 2 days,at the most.I had went from 8 or 9 a day to just 3 a day. It just took willpower plain and simple. I keep reading on here everyday about folks wanting to go on suboxone simply because of the lack of willpower,and the fear of withdrawals, but I also keep thinking that by doing this that you would be trading one pill for another, I geuss the suboxone is not that damaging to your body, but sooner or later you would still have to have the will power to tapper and then stop right? I know some folks need to stay on it forever but most do not, and from what I've read its just as tuff to stop the suboxone ,but I may be wrong. Maybe the w/ds are not as bad, I dont know? Have you considered this as way to recover at this point?