liking your children the same??

reneeintx · 06-09-2003, 05:15 PM

I have two sons 17&16 My 17 year old as a baby was hard to deal with, being colicky and sensitive to light and sound. I was 20 at the time an have never been around babies. At times I wished I didn't have him. My mom never lifted a finger to help me or even answer my questions. She said she was too young to be a grandmother and had her own things to do.

Today this same son is moody, doesn't tell me anything that goes on in his life, ignores me. My husband thinks that my kid picked up all this since a child and resents me.

My other son was a good baby, hardly cried, happy gerber baby and was a joy to raise.

These kids are good, get good grades, don't cuss, smoke take drugs ect.

I find my younger son so much more pleasant to be around. (big surprise..right?)

I admit I was much harder and stressed with my first one. Now my kid gives me the cold shoulder and I believe he has every right too.

How can I fix this?? I feel like crap because I feel I favor the younger child more, and it is no secret.

I'm sad, really sad

Renee

Julie-K · 06-09-2003, 08:11 PM

Hi Renee
I can sympathise. had much the same problem with eldest daughter (colicky, sensitive first child, I too was a young mother 19) the other 2 babies were gems in comparison(and I wasn't so nervous)!
She is now 22 and over the last 3 years we have become best friends, in fact I probably have a better relationship with her than the other 2! I did despair though especially through her teen years we seemed to reach a point where we didn't even like each other. I think I sort of stopped trying to have the same relationship I had with the other 2 with her, and just reached out as a friend and thankfully she reciprocated.
Don't discount a great relationship with your 17 year old, maybe just look for a 'different' one. You obviously love him and I am sure he loves you, don't feel guilty just look forward to a new start with him.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best
Jules

crabbycdn · 06-09-2003, 10:43 PM

It is quite normal to not "like" your children the "same". They are different people and your relationship with each will be different. Also, boys go through some real "sorting out" emotionally between 15 and 18 and can be quite difficult as they find their way in the world. Your feeling guilty will do nothing for the relationship or for your son. Love him totally and like him the best you can. I had a similar relationship with my eldest son. He is now married and we have a great relationship. My middle son is now 17 and feels like HE is the one that is unloved right now...which is hogwash. We spent the entire day together yesterday and had a wonderful time while my husband worked on the truck with our youngest. Last night I took the youngest swimming and to mini-golf and had a wonderful time with HIM. Sometimes the alone time to nourish your relationship is a great healer and bridge builder. You care how he feels...that speaks volumes.

reneeintx · 06-10-2003, 01:15 PM

Both your posts are making me teary-eyed. I really apprecitate them.

I'm glad the barriers have been dissolved for you and your children. I can only hope that it will happen for me and my son.

In the meantime I'm going to love him the best was I know how, even if he rolls his eyes. My husband believes he will get over this stage fairly soon.

Although it's no doubt my son favors my husband. You see I'm the disiplinarian(sp) what teenager wants someone telling..I mean yelling at them to clean their room, take their vitamins and behave while out crusin'

My husband does none of this. He believes kids should be kids because they'll have the rest their lives to be adults. My husband is very tolerant and very low key, nothing ever bothers him. My sons LOVE that. They always pal around, talk, play computer games, and then there's me

Julie~I'm glad to hear someone else had a hard time with a newborn besides me. I was very immature, and had no clue. I got very depressed. I would see other new mothers with a glow about them and there was me so stressed.

crabby~I was the middle child, and was always considered an outcast. My mother even told me every family has a black sheep and I'm the one. I remember it like yesterday I was 6 years old. I had a rough childhood, never believed I was good enough, and to this day it haunts me. I've tried college numerous times, never finished. I've had numerous jobs, alway quit though. I feel this all stems from self worth. I'm always willing to help out, go the extra mile and people take advantage of that and I resent it.

My original post is about treating children the same but sometimes I think maybe this all comes from my childhood. My mother never treated me special..maybe I do the same to my son, and don't realize it.

Thanks for both your posts.. they give me hope!!

Renee

littlebluefrog · 06-10-2003, 07:02 PM

I listen to Dr. Laura and she addressed this once. To sum up her response she said the caller should show love with her actions even if the feelings wheren't there. It's when you act on your favoratism that you are doing something wrong. I'm sure it's quite commen what your feeling and part of it can just be your childs temperment and nothing you had anything to do with.