my husband is a stepfather, acts like a jerk

[bookmiser]

hi everyone,
i read and post on a few of these sites, but never this one. i have suggested a stepfamily issues board, but there's not one yet. so, i thought i would bend some ears here. long story short. i am married to a man who hates my son and my son feels the same way about my husband. i always feel in the middle of the two and am so tired of all of it. my son will be 22 in november. he has no job, no car, and as of right now, no place to live. he is staying with a girl and her parents. i want him home. i know my husband could care less. he left home because we expect things from him. to work regularly, to have goals, to help around the house and to be happy. he doesn't really seem to be able to do any of these things. he's a very bitter kid/man. i would die for my kids (my daughter is 17) and my husband knows this. my husband can be unreasonable and i will let him know that. my son can be unbelievable and i let him know it. all i want is for the two of them to be a little more than civil to each other. there are alot of things i haven't mentioned , i don't want to bore anyone, but i will open up to questions. if there are any mothers out there who feel caught between a rock and a hard place and need to vent or have advice for me, please write.i just need to know there are solutions to these kind of problems. i love both of them so much, why can't they get along?

[turtleeni2]

Sorry for your situation~~sounds very frustrating

I really can't relate to your problem, but am a good listener and these boards are the best in my opinion!

Have you discussed your feelings about all this with your husband? And do your kids (well, young adults now hehe) talk to you about it? Communication is very important and I know it can be very hard when nobody seems to see eye to eye. It's a tough situation to be in, but do your best and hang in there, ok?

Don't hesitate to vent your feelings here on the boards as there are many helpful people here and I am sure alot can relate to what you're dealing with.

Oh yeah, almost forgot...have you tried the Relationships forumn here? You may get much more feedback there since it is for discussing family issues and stuff like that.

Hope things get better for you and your family. Keep us posted!

**Hugs**


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turtleeni2

[Want 2 B Well]

I look at your situation from a parent perspective. I have 2 girls, 12 & 7.

I am sorry that you are frustrated. I would NOT move your son into your home. That is just asking for trouble, since you already know they do not get along & your son will not abide by your wishes.

The advice I will say to you is to take yourself out of this. These are grownups, men at that. If they want to work things out they will.
Until your son makes a change in his life and becomes stable their is really nothing you can do. He has to become a "man" in order to feel good about himself.

What is the old addage? Ok I looked it up..."A man's worth is determined by his job"
So until your son is working and supporting himself there can be no change.

Sounds like he has alot of issues to sort out. {{{HUGS}}}

[Gine2D]

Why should your son get a job, grow up, take responsibility, or anything else that an adult does?

You provide all of the things a child needs.

As long as you or his girl friend provide the nest, food, security, clothes, car, money, & everything else he needs he will always be a child.

The son needs to grow up. Most sons that leave the nest will already have left by age 22. Yours just found a different hiding place.

If you do not want to lose your husband you need to start looking after his needs, starting with a calm & relaxing home.

Good luck,

G

I have never been in this situation personally, I just want you to know you can bend my ear as much as you want. Have you and your husband been married long? I was wondering if your son used to be the man of the home and then your new man came into the picture? Does your daughter get along with her stepfather? I dont know to me your babies are your babies and anyone should respect them, but then again your man is your man and anyone should respect him. Does your son want to do anything in life? Maybe if you tell him that you would purchase him a car if he would get a job or go to school. That he would be expected to pay insurance and the car payments. If you dont want something like that in your name, maybe you could get a beater out of your local paper, and have him make the payments back to you, and if he doesnt take it away. I know sometimes its hard to get a job when you dont have a car, or maybe you or your husband could get him a job where either one of you work, if there are any types of openings. I dont know if any of these suggestions would work out for you and I doubt that counseling is something that your son or husband would be interested in, but maybe you could sit down with the both of them and be their counselor. Try to figure out what the both of them could do, to do be more civil with eachother. Have you let your husband know how much this hurts you that they dont get along or have you let your son know?