Two years ago, I attend a five day workshop on the effects of trauma on adults and children. I chose the workshop because I work in a school district with at-risk youth, providing groups and other programs. However, I became very interested in the segment on PTSD. I continued to find tools to determine potential for PTSD. I did fit the profile. Then, I began to have a lot of anxiety, more than usual.
I was most intrigued about the symptoms of PTSD, like intrusive thoughts, memories that pop out of no where, anxiety attacks, etc. I have had all of those all of my life, but, have kept them secret. In fact, I have spent much of my life managing myself, making sure I looked normal from the outside so no one would ever know what was going within me or who I really was. My body began to come apart. I'm 56 and everything hurts. I've been a very active person, now everything hurts.
I found a new dr at UM Hospital. Did I get lucky. I wrote on my form that I needed her to help keep my body safe while I healed my mind. She heard me and sent me to many specialists.
I began therapy with a psychologist again. Luckily, I found one who is excellent. Remember, I'm a certified trauma specialist. He understands a lot; when he doesn't, I tell him.
The most powerful thing in my entire life has been SAYING what happened to me, saying the thoughts that come to my head, expressing the feelings I feel. Once I tell, I get a bit of release, each time, there is release.
I can't tell you what to do, but, I can tell you that the best thing I have ever done is get the medical and psychological help that I so much need.
The first 50 years of my life were a facade. At fifty, I fell apart after I lost 5 people in one year. I was physically sick, tired, depressed. But, I still went to work every day and did my job, came home and cared for my children.
I began to get real, to figure out what is important in life. To face everything that I was and am. I am a person who lived in a family where sexual abuse and physical abuse were rampant. We lived in poverty. Very little appropriate love was ever expressed in that house. I created a place within myself where I could escape. I'm trying now not to need that place, to develop trust in this world and the people I love and who love me.
On my own, I left poverty, received a Masters Degree from University of Michigan, and began teaching children who lived in poverty. I still provide programs for those children. I want children like me to have a different experience. I want them to have someone to talk to about what's going on in their lives if they choose.
Life is not easy for us. We have been affected forever. Keeping the secrets is possible, but, you never know when the memories will pop into your head. My therapist tells me: Your thoughts are not who you are. So, who am I? Who are we?
My prayers and thoughts are with all of us tonight. There are many materials available re: PTSD. There is a center in Detroit that serves as a national resource for information. I do have lots of info from my training if anyone needs it. I certainly learned that I can't apply it to myself alone, I need the help of others.
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