For Ski Head

[katiekate]

Hi I have never been on this particular board before, but I was reading and came across a posting where you mentioned blocking out a rape. I was wondering what made you remember the event because I have often been afraid that I'm blocking out something from my childhood. I have had a few vivid dreams about being raped. (One of them when I was 12, that my father and mom's bf had molested me). Two more were within the past year (now I'm 19). I have always had low self-esteem, been depressed with anxiety and don't have a good relationship with my dad (cut off all contact when I was 12--my own choice). Even then I was paranoid of older men, and the way they would look at me. I even freaked out when a teacher asked me to stay after class at the end of the day, terrified that I would miss my bus and be stuck there with him.....I went home crying and bawling and felt soooooo violated and dirty. In high school I started partying after being really depressed and suicidal, and I was promiscuous as well.
What I am asking is how you helped yourself to remember? Is there a certain kind of counseling I could go to??

Replies are much appreciated
Katie

[lostlight]

Hey,
kind of going through the same thing. i remeber feeling really dirty and guilty, even though it wasnt my fault. those were the feelings that brought back most of the memories. they were deep feelings of just being grossed out, where i felt that no expression of any kind could explain how much pain i felt.
it took a long time for me to really deal with those feelings because they would come back at bad times, before a date, a job interview, when i was trying to make myself look nice. i found it helped me to find someone who was safe and not ignore it the feelings, almost on purpose bring them to memory. just about the most terrifying expirience ever (other than deciding to go to counceling, i knew it was family related)