Finally asking for help...

[TryingToSmile]

Hi everyone. I've only posted here a couple times, and was kind of scared off by a relatively stupid abortion debate (sorry Michelle, no harm intended). Well, let me please share my story, and beg you to help support me because I have nobody (I mean NOBODY) else.

I moved to So Cal from the Washington, DC area about 2 years ago. Man, was that cross country trip fun. I was alcohol and drug free (except for weed...I've never seen anything wrong with it, and while others will disagree, I can easily give it up for weeks at a time.) Getting to that point of being alcohol and drug free was not easy. In college (which was 4 years ago) I met my best friend on a semester in London program. She is the epitomy of party animal. Somehow she is able to function fine in work, but when work is over, she goes all out. Now, I'm not blaming my addictions on her, because I drank and smoked before I met her, but she always validated that what I was doing was 'cool' because its what the rest of the crew was doing. So it got even further out of control at that point.

Anyhow, I managed to distance myself from her, because whenever we hung out, alcohol is involved. Living on my own after college in DC with her being in NYC was great. I could party every 3 weekends or so up in NYC, and stay mostly sober the rest of the time.

Skip ahead to when I moved to California, which was March of 2002. I needed a change, and wanted to take a risk to move to a place that seemed great. Well, the day I moved here, I met my neighbor, and we've been together ever since. Only today he told me he is moving out to move in with the guys in his band because he needs to 'dedicate' more time to the band. The real reason is that I finally came clean about my addiction with him on Sunday and asked him to take me to the hospital to check me in.

When I got to the hospital, they would not admit me, and would only make an appt. for me with my primary care doctor for the next day. It was horrible. My primary care doc sucks. It took a lot of tears and nerve to go to the hospital and ask to be medically detoxed, and they refused me.

Here's what I was taking.....about 8 norco a day ONLY when I also had my duragesic patches to abuse (before I was prescribed the patches, I took about 10-12 norcos a day). This has been going on for a year and a half...I started getting the scripts after a trauma to my neck that caused bulging discs and pinched nerves. So for the last 3 months, I would take a couple norco during the day, and as soon as I got home from work, I would cut open my 50 mcg patches and put the gel inside my lip (like you would with dip or chew) and within minutes I was feeling high like the first time I took vicodin. Once it wore off, I had a couple beers, and a couple more norco, and drank some more beer, and went to sleep. I looked normal at work the next day I think) but had no attention span. After doing this for a couple weeks, I started doing 2 50 mcg patches a night, and more norco. So needless to say, once the patches ran out (this past Sunday), I was in severe withdrawals, which no amount of norco would fix. For anyone not familair with the patch, it is pure fentanyl, considered to be the most opiate. Thats when I went to hospital and they sent me home. And I was in acute horrible withdrawals. Banker, after reading your story, I think we are in the same boat about asking for help only to be turned away.

I have to say that I've taken the pills out of bordem, as a stress reliever, and a way to open up with people (I used to be an extrovert, but somehow that changed since college). My best friend I mentioned earlier (the partier) lives about 10 blocks from me now, and is always wanting to hang out. I've come to the conclusion that I will never be able to be around her when I'm sober, because she gets wasted and forgets anything we talk about. Thats hard to face losing my best friend because of wantin sobriety.

And to make matters worse, my apartment was robbed last week (and everthing of value was taken.) And then my boyfriend decided to move out
(after living together for a year) because he thinks it the 'right thing to do for the band'. Keep in mind that this band is a local San Diego band and doesn't bring more than 30-40 people to their shows, and they've been together for 5 years. And I can't even begin to tell you how good, forgiving and wonderfully understanding I've been through many of our trials and tribulations.

This tapering process is going to be a huge problem, because I feel the need to take medical leave for the next month. So that means I get no pay (except disability, which barely helps my finances). But I have to do it because I don't feel I am of any value at work when I feel like this, and they deserve someone 100% into the job.

Does anyone have advice as to what to tell your employers? I feel like I am letting everyone down, because I am managing a huge project that is starting to really kick in about 3 weeks from now. I just think I need to get my mental health straightened out....I have to be my prioroty, and know that work will somehow figure things out. But I don't want to tell them the truth about the addiction.

The worst of the patch widthdrawals are over, so I am starting my norco taper tomorrow. I'm starting at 7 per day, and every 4 days I will drop once more. I have clonodine and flexeril to help, and a couple of xanax. Does this sound good? Luckily its been pretty warm here lately, so I will force myself to lay on a blanket on the bay, or go for long walks. This is going to be hard, because I can barely move, but I know it must be done.

Anyhow, because I truly feel like I have nobody (my boyfriend deserted me in my time of need, my best friend is more screwed up than me, and my entire family is 3000 miles away in DC), I am asking to rely on you guys. I need help, and bad. I have a psych eval in a couple of days, so hopefully we'll figure some things out.

Thanks for listening,

TryingToSmile
(by the way, I'm a 26yr old female living in San Diego)

[John 3:16]

When it rains, it pours doesn't it?

I wish I knew exactly how to advise you with your work situation- what to tell your employers. I am a stay home mom (which never made withdrawals a breeze either...) so I didn't have to "come up" with a reason for an absence. Maybe some others will chime in with some advice in that area, but you are right, you need some time away to get clean and healthy.

So, you feel like you are over the withdrawals from the patch? And now, you are down to the Norco? And wanting to taper? I may have missed this, but how many do you have left? Phil is the best to advise a taper plan but he will give you a very detailed and long plan. If you are wanting to "hurry this up a bit" we could probably figure something out ourselves.

When you are completely finished with the Norco's, you will need the clonidine/catapress patch (which you said you had clonidine, right?), a week's worth of some type of benzo (Valium, Xanax), muscle relaxers (preferably Soma), Immodium, Benedryl, and L-Tyrosine. Try to work on getting scripts for these (the clonidine, benzo, and muscle relaxer) will require a script and the rest is over the counter. We can get together and talk about a "game plan" after you let me know exactly how many you have left and how we need you to taper.

I know how you feel in being alone- I was there when I lived in my little "hydro world." I was the perfect little white collar stay home mommy of three babies that worked at the church, helped with school charities, prepared meals for any and every sick person in my church that needed it, etc., etc. If they had only known, huh? It is a scary, lonely place and noone deserves to go through this alone and you are not! I will be here with you every step of the way, okay?

Fill me in a little more on exactly how you would like to do this and we will get this ball rolling.......

Michelle

[TryingToSmile]

Thanks Michelle for being so compassionate, as you've been to every person who needs help here.

Today is horrible. I can't stop crying, and feel so depressed that I can't move.
I made a psych appt tomorrow for an 'addiction eval' so getting myself there and back is going to be a trial.

As far as how many pills I have left...I have about 65 Norco left. I have alloted them in envelopes, starting with 7 for the next 4 days, then 6 for 4 days, etc etc, and then after I get to one a day, I will split it into 5mg doses to take twice a day, and do that for a week. Then I will do the same thing splitting a 5 mg pill and taking it twice a day for a week. I might have to get some from an OP, because I'm sure my visit to the ER will be reported to my pain doc.

I really don't know what to do about work....I have been assigned a very incredible project to manage, and I just can't do it until I get better. I'm thinking about emailing my boss, and explaining that I've been hit with an extreme depression because of all the stresses in my life (being robbed, boyfriend leaving, etc.) and I need that time to let my antidepressants kick in. I think all I can do is hope that she will be understanding and think about giving me my job back in a month or so.

Does anyone have any advice about which antidepressant to suggest at my psych appt. tomorrow? I am currently on Wellbutrin, 150mg BID. But since I've been on it for 3 years (which I remember reading that you shouldn't stay on longer than a year) maybe we need to reconsider.

Also, does anyone get their sub or methadone from a psych doc? Because I have a legitimate pain issue, I think they might suggest meth. I'm not crazy about the idea (I've been on it for pain before, and coming off it was horrible) but if its what I need to do, I'm willing.

God, I wish I could stop crying. My family keeps calling, and I just can't face talking to them in this condition. They will know something is wrong. I can't believe my boyfriend is deserting me and moving out in the middle of this ordeal. Its too much to handle right now.

Thanks Michelle for your support.

With love
Trying

[John 3:16]

Hey, that is a great idea.....about using all that you have been through causing depression for a reason to ask for a leave of absence. Wonder if this doctor you are seeing would be willing to write a letter (ofcourse not discussing addiction) but focusing on the depression so that you could "hand" something to your boss in writing to back up your request? May want to go in that direction.....

I know it feels as if the world is coming to an end......I have felt the exact way you are feeling and it also feels as if it is never going to get better. But, you are taking the right steps. You have your meds divided up, your seeing someone in a couple of days, you are here asking for advice.....you are doing what it takes to make things better and they will get better, I promise!

Try to hang on until your appointment. I have been on several anti-depressants and Lexapro (what I take now.....and Banker takes this, too) works really well for me. Ofcourse, I have to take something for anxiety attacks here and there (with three babes six and under.....who wouldn't ), too! You are going to be okay.....this is just a HUGE bump in the middle of your road of life!

Post me if you need me- I'll try to check the computer often!
Michelle

Originally Posted by TryingToSmile

Hi everyone. I've only posted here a couple times, and was kind of scared off by a relatively stupid abortion debate (sorry Michelle, no harm intended). Well, let me please share my story, and beg you to help support me because I have nobody (I mean NOBODY) else.

I moved to So Cal from the Washington, DC area about 2 years ago. Man, was that cross country trip fun. I was alcohol and drug free (except for weed...I've never seen anything wrong with it, and while others will disagree, I can easily give it up for weeks at a time.) Getting to that point of being alcohol and drug free was not easy. In college (which was 4 years ago) I met my best friend on a semester in London program. She is the epitomy of party animal. Somehow she is able to function fine in work, but when work is over, she goes all out. Now, I'm not blaming my addictions on her, because I drank and smoked before I met her, but she always validated that what I was doing was 'cool' because its what the rest of the crew was doing. So it got even further out of control at that point.

Anyhow, I managed to distance myself from her, because whenever we hung out, alcohol is involved. Living on my own after college in DC with her being in NYC was great. I could party every 3 weekends or so up in NYC, and stay mostly sober the rest of the time.

Skip ahead to when I moved to California, which was March of 2002. I needed a change, and wanted to take a risk to move to a place that seemed great. Well, the day I moved here, I met my neighbor, and we've been together ever since. Only today he told me he is moving out to move in with the guys in his band because he needs to 'dedicate' more time to the band. The real reason is that I finally came clean about my addiction with him on Sunday and asked him to take me to the hospital to check me in.

When I got to the hospital, they would not admit me, and would only make an appt. for me with my primary care doctor for the next day. It was horrible. My primary care doc sucks. It took a lot of tears and nerve to go to the hospital and ask to be medically detoxed, and they refused me.

Here's what I was taking.....about 8 norco a day ONLY when I also had my duragesic patches to abuse (before I was prescribed the patches, I took about 10-12 norcos a day). This has been going on for a year and a half...I started getting the scripts after a trauma to my neck that caused bulging discs and pinched nerves. So for the last 3 months, I would take a couple norco during the day, and as soon as I got home from work, I would cut open my 50 mcg patches and put the gel inside my lip (like you would with dip or chew) and within minutes I was feeling high like the first time I took vicodin. Once it wore off, I had a couple beers, and a couple more norco, and drank some more beer, and went to sleep. I looked normal at work the next day I think) but had no attention span. After doing this for a couple weeks, I started doing 2 50 mcg patches a night, and more norco. So needless to say, once the patches ran out (this past Sunday), I was in severe withdrawals, which no amount of norco would fix. For anyone not familair with the patch, it is pure fentanyl, considered to be the most opiate. Thats when I went to hospital and they sent me home. And I was in acute horrible withdrawals. Banker, after reading your story, I think we are in the same boat about asking for help only to be turned away.

I have to say that I've taken the pills out of bordem, as a stress reliever, and a way to open up with people (I used to be an extrovert, but somehow that changed since college). My best friend I mentioned earlier (the partier) lives about 10 blocks from me now, and is always wanting to hang out. I've come to the conclusion that I will never be able to be around her when I'm sober, because she gets wasted and forgets anything we talk about. Thats hard to face losing my best friend because of wantin sobriety.

And to make matters worse, my apartment was robbed last week (and everthing of value was taken.) And then my boyfriend decided to move out
(after living together for a year) because he thinks it the 'right thing to do for the band'. Keep in mind that this band is a local San Diego band and doesn't bring more than 30-40 people to their shows, and they've been together for 5 years. And I can't even begin to tell you how good, forgiving and wonderfully understanding I've been through many of our trials and tribulations.

This tapering process is going to be a huge problem, because I feel the need to take medical leave for the next month. So that means I get no pay (except disability, which barely helps my finances). But I have to do it because I don't feel I am of any value at work when I feel like this, and they deserve someone 100% into the job.

Does anyone have advice as to what to tell your employers? I feel like I am letting everyone down, because I am managing a huge project that is starting to really kick in about 3 weeks from now. I just think I need to get my mental health straightened out....I have to be my prioroty, and know that work will somehow figure things out. But I don't want to tell them the truth about the addiction.

The worst of the patch widthdrawals are over, so I am starting my norco taper tomorrow. I'm starting at 7 per day, and every 4 days I will drop once more. I have clonodine and flexeril to help, and a couple of xanax. Does this sound good? Luckily its been pretty warm here lately, so I will force myself to lay on a blanket on the bay, or go for long walks. This is going to be hard, because I can barely move, but I know it must be done.

Anyhow, because I truly feel like I have nobody (my boyfriend deserted me in my time of need, my best friend is more screwed up than me, and my entire family is 3000 miles away in DC), I am asking to rely on you guys. I need help, and bad. I have a psych eval in a couple of days, so hopefully we'll figure some things out.

Thanks for listening,

TryingToSmile
(by the way, I'm a 26yr old female living in San Diego)

I am so sorry about what you are going through. Believe me I can relate; I would love nothing more then for my husband to be able to take a leave of absence to detox (he is tapering), but I really think time away from his job will take a lot of the pressure off of him. But, unfortunately, right now it's not a viable option for us financially -- the bills keep coming. Anyway, this may be a stupid question -- and I'm sorry in advance if it is. But, do you have any sick time available; so you can take some time off from work paid? I am not sure what your situation is at work; but it sounds like you have done an admirable job starting the tapering process and maybe even a week off would help to get you through. You are in my thoughts. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
-MJ