I've been reading all of your posts for the last several months and stopped posting myself a few months ago because I just kept relapsing over and over. This is a very long post , but nonetheless, interesting to read?!
The boards have been very encouraging lately especially with the men around here, i.e. User and Chef. I, myself, like the tough love approach because basically there is no sugar coating anything about drugs and addiction. Its the ****..g truth about us. An ugliness that nobody wants to admit to. You see, I use to be a pharm tech and I have seen thousands of addicts on pills and quite honestly, chemically it is not good for your body and brain. It just messes you up.
Even for me, an over-achiever, type A personality, single mom of a 5 year old, beautiful, a body to kill for, has her own home, in grad school,very successful in my former career and drive a bitchin' car(I'm not boasting, just trying to make a point). So how the hell did I end up a damn junkie and a big, big Vicodin, Lortab, Norco abuser of 25-35 tabs a day? Sometimes, taking 10 at a time like as if it was going out of style. Well, I have always like the high off opiates than any other drug. Don't get me wrong, I occassionally smoke pot. I did cocaine when I was in my twenties, but quit after a while. Speed is not my thing. Did a lot of esctasy also in the past, but you know , just like mushrooms, you can't do those forever. Name it, I've done it! Except Heroin. I've always knew if I tried it, there would be no turning back so I will never cross that line. But Vicodin, man, oh man, best drug in the world!!!
However, Vicodin ruined my life. May be one of the greatest highs, but also the worst to get off. I have REAL pain issues though. Initally started off as a RX from my doc until he said no more refills! OK, then, lets go on the internet. Well, what a mistake that was. Initally started on 90 tabs that lasted a month or so, then dosages increased and increased until I could barely function without it. I started doctor shopping and before you know it I was on 30 tabs a day with 3-4 different scripts of it and FedEX, UPS trucks on a 2-3 day interval basis ringing on my doorbell.
Talk about a loser, ****, it was absolutlely pathetic. My life was on a downward spiral for a year. I could barely take care of my daughter, not to mention that my funds were getting depleted. I was engaged to a wonderful man, but I screwed that one up as well at that time. I was too messed up and one of my dogs got killed by some type of bird. It was very upsetting and I am still grieving from it. It was my fault, no one else's. I even got into a bad car accident on the freeway!!! Luckily, there were no injuries on myself nor my daughter, but the car was totaled! I was a real mess. You would have thought that those were wake up calls for me, right? Nope! Kept on with the hydros and couldn't stop. I wasn't taking anything else with hydros except Soma occassionally with it. I do not take anti-depressants or anything else really. I noticed than when I took Soma with Hydros, the withdrawls would double. So I stopped taking it and noticed a big difference. Just a point for you guys. I think combining hydros with other drugs, the withdrawls are two fold .
The wake up call for me happened when I read about Happy Father who use to post on these boards, but OD'd one day when his wife wrote to us to let us know. I will never forget that day. It scared the fu..k..g crap out of me. And for a lot of people as well. He was back and forth about the Sub, but didn't was scared because of other what other posters said. If only he went to see the Sub doctor, it could have saved his life, like it did mine.
Actually, everyone here on the boards saved my life by posting their experiences. And for that, I THANK EVERYONE OF YOU OUT THERE! Especially Banker, Michelle, Spark, Chef, Yinksy, and anyone else who I have forgotten who are constant posters and whose words of wisdom and knowledge have truly saved lives. Please don't stop posting anybody. It really helps us ALOT! THANK YOU, THANK YOU !
I, also, do not like the idea of trading a drug for another. But, since I am a single mom, the idea of an in-patient rehab was impossible. I contemplated even Methadone as outpatient, but I couldn't fathom myself going to a clinic for my medication all the time with my daughter. Not a pretty sight. I couldn't tell anybody about my addiction. Although, it was getting more and more apparent by my erradict behavior. I just didn't know how to get off the pills. I've been on withdrawls before when you run out, but always relasped because the FEDEX truck was coming! I am not strong enough to taper off hydros. I just couldn't do it.
If it wasn't for the people who encouraged at that time to seek Subutex , I probably would have been on 40 tabs of hydros a day by now.
Anyway, I got the courage to see an addictionologist in Hollywood. He is a Pschyciatrist and also works inpatient rehab hospital. (You should have heard the stories he told me about some of these Hollywood people!) You could imagine how many people he's treated because of the city. Anyway, he gave me a treatment plan that you should taper off the Subutex by two weeks and just stop by the end of two weeks. If you couldn't, then stay on it, he said for cravings. Well, I stayed on because I was scared of the cravings.
They did tell me that from their experience, pill addicts have a much harder time coming off Sub then their Heroin, Cocaine addicts do. They don't know why, but pill addicts constantly relapse. I thought, no I won't do that, I'm much stronger. Yeah, right. I tried their regimen, but relasped because I wanted the high after still. So there again, I went back to the Vicodin though only 30 tabs at a time. Don't get me wrong, my tolerance went way down and I was taking about 50mg a day after that in comparision to 300mg a day from past hydro use. I would then quit and used Subutex for a few days again. Back and forth for a few months like that. So basically, my body was never opiate free. Well, maybe for a couple of days only until I felt the Suboxone wearing off. It truly doesn't dissipate from your body until 36 hours. Man, I could feel it. So I would take about 1 mg of Sub and feel better. Intially started off with 32 mg of Sub and by three weeks ended up only on .50 mg. I was scared of withdrawls! The doc gave me 8mg tabs and I had to cut them myself to make them 1 or 2 mg.
So here I am again today. From reading everone's constant postings, my mind is made up. Not only that, my mind and body is frankly very tired of this roller coaster. I think that is what is getting to me. On the Sub, I feel so sober and normal, you know? I feel sober! That is what my life use to be, but without Sub, though.
I am quitting for good now. I'm in withdrawls now,not bad, because in reality I'm withdrawing from the Sub now and honestly feels like the 3rd day of withdrawls from Hydro. My last Vicodin ES was last Friday. I have been on Sub 1mg every other day since then, only in the morning. I do not take a dose in the afternoon. I always wait until morning. When I feel crappy by 3:00pm, I would go exercise and feel better. Believe me, I have to force myself to do that! I have not taken any Sub since Monday and I am feeling it now. It is a long withdrawl, but I've been busy with school. Luckily, I'm an Art major and its OK, you know?
Today it has been harder though. But, I'm determined now. My body is screaming for help, but I just can't do it anymore. My fiancee and I are back together and honestly, I know God has given me a second chance in life and I CANNOT screw this up. This is what I need to do for my daughter. I already messed up her life. I need to give her a second chance at having a real family! I can't go on like this anymore. I need to be strong. I WILL NOT be powerless to the drug anymore! It will not control me. Funny , I use to think like that, but not anymore. I always was in control. I didn't like being not in control. However, I've become a complete loser in life now. I need to get back on track.
So, this is what I've been through....Suboxone did save my life though, no doubt about. Without it, I'll probably be still an addict or dead. I agree with Spark-O-Cet about taking it only for a couple of weeks. Then just stop, but taper in those two weeks to nothing every day, like my doc said. Decrease your dose every day. I never took Sub in the afternoon because of insomnia, just like Spark mentioned. My last sub dose was just powder chips of it two days ago. I believe that for you on the Suboxone now, just taper every 36 hours and spread out your doses initially. I believe that should help you all. It will be a slow taper, probably a couple of months. Talk to your Sub doctor. I also take Neurontin for nerve pain. The Neurontin actually helps me with the withdrawls. It is NOT metabolized by the liver, only by the urine. So it is a very safe drug and not addicting. It actually is an anti-seizure medication. My neurologist gave it to me initally. Doctors are prescribing that more and more for pain managment. Also helps you sleep. I also heard that NONI, the Hawaiiain health tonic helps alot with withdrawls. I never tried it, but I read from other boards that it helps.
I guess I'm posting because I do need support. I thought I could do this by myself, but you know, I really can't . That is something really hard for me to admit. I'm not a person to go to meetings also. Thank god for the internet. I'm a chronic pain suffer and I have ADD. But, I will be drug free and live a sober life, one day at a time. It will be a lifelong battle.
Over it!
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