Does the 'change' seem sort of like an awakening???

[annie7]

I'm a young 52 and haven't had a period now for about three years. I find, and the research seems to point to the fact, that I have this tolerance level and it has gone way down before, during and after menepause.

With counseling, some major drama in my life, and menepause, I've realized that life is short and I need to be very good to myself. In particular I'm talking about husband- wife relationships. Long, long story.

I've noticed that this is a great support forum. I need that!

Now, I feel I'm rambling, but I was wondering...what do all of you out there see as 'verbal' abuse???? Or roller coaster marriages? What is the norm for a husband and wife after 27 years of marriage. I would love for him to be my best friend, but some research I've done said that is a mistake...that men and women just aren't wired for that....any opinions? Any GOOD loving relationships out there that have been going for a while?

I will take full responisbility if I'm to blame for some failures...I just need some help....Thanks in advance ladies.

[molly123]

Hi Annie,
Think your post might've been overlooked....I think since experiencing peri-meno, my "awakening" has been becoming aware of very little ache and pain, my mortality - thinking I'll get some life threatening disease, worrying about getting old and dying. As for tolerance, I've never tolerated rudeness, creeps, or anyone treating me poorly. Been a pretty tough lady all my life and the guys I have been with are nice guys. No one touches me (hitting)! and I don't get involved with guys who come on too strong and macho like. Am attracted to the rough looking but gentle type, who has a good heart. I have never been married, no kids, just dogs - but have been in one relationship that lasted for 16 years (still friends); and in my present relationship have been together for 15 years. I think like most relationships, couples get comfortable with each other, take each other for granted, forget the good qualities, etc. I think your husband/boyfriend should be your best friend and vice versa. If he isn't your best friend and you're not his, who can be your best friend then? My boyfriend and I get along pretty good, some ups and downs but to tell you the truth, we hardly argue or get mad at each other. We started out as friends first for many years. We also think that if we ever got married, we would probably end up breaking up. It just seems like a lot of marriages don't work these days - don't know why that is...

And I don't think it's impossible for women to have guys as just friends either - for some reason, I have more guys (single ones too!) as friends than I do women. I don't have any girlfriend to hang out with. The ones I know seem to only call me when they want something and if I say "no", they get all huffy puffy about it and hold it against me. I have, however, met some nice women through the net (met them in person too but they live far away).

You asked what is verbal abuse - when you are blamed for everything, belittled, criticized, controlled, manuiplated, name-calling, threaten, ignored, and the list goes on and on. All the bad stuff!! The victim is usually confused, low self-esteem, worried about upsetting the abuser, submissive, etc. Are you feeling this way? Yes, you're right - life is short...it is time to think and take care of yourself. What is going on? Share your story with us here - there are lots of support and good advice here.

Hope to hear from you, Annie!
Molly

[kc1216]

Hey Molly!

Unfortunately I learned my lesson the hard way after my divorce. I was in some pretty bad relationships. I was verbally abused and became physically abusive - I would come down on anyone who even looked at me funny. I was addicted to alcohol and drugs though so this is how I learned to hang with a nasty crowd. I'm 100% different now - I am clean with the alcohol and don't smoke silly stuff anymore and as for drugs, only take what the doctors prescribe to me. I feel guilty taking the xanax, but I need it to get me through this right now.

But you hit the nail on the head about being verbally abused - That brought back all sorts of memories with me - ones that I had hidden deep down inside. I have a dear friend going thru this right now. The man verbally abused her in their relationship of 3 years and he would do it in front of a crowd as well. She is co-dependent with the guy - would still do anything for him, regardless of how he treated her. Well, in the long run, he dumped her - only after she cosigned some loans for him. He still calls her and she runs for the phone. He tells her they are still friends and she deals with this. He called her the other day to let her know he is seeing this girl and giving her rides on the new Harley (my girlfriend cosigned for). At least she hung up on him this time. She is in counseling for this and goes to some support groups twice a week. I see a change in her - she is finally considering her feelings first for once. Sometimes it takes a real bad thing to happen before you see the light. Some people take forever to hit their bottoms.

Anyway, I've got a wonderful husband now. He's my best friend, he is my soulmate. We have our ups and downs but would never think of hurting eachother over anything. We work things out - sometimes it's hard but we do.


Annie - The first thing to do is get your self-esteem back up and running and stop feeling guilty for anything. The past is the past and it cannot be changed. Life is too short - live each day the best you can and so long as you do the right thing, you'll be happy. Easier said than done but it will eventually happen. I know when I went through all that it was where I was supposed to be. Had to be there to get here now.

Hang in there,
KC

[annie7]

Molly and kc...thanks so much for the replies. It's a long, long story. I'm very much in love with my husband of 27 years. The last 3 have been very, very difficult though. His porn and cybersex addiction came to light and he is now 2 years 'sober'. But...sex addicts go through withdrawal too, which brought to light my codependency issues. We have both been in counseling independently and together and it is a Godsend. He also goes to a 12 step group.

However, there are times when it gets intense and crazy. His issues especially. He had a pretty abusive childhood and is just now admitting that it really was 'that bad'. I feel that there was a lot of 'transference' going on. God, it's a long story. ANYWAY, today, things are good.

I feel that i'm growing and finding out the root of some of my major issues. I feel spiritually and emotionally healthier than i have for a long time. My friends have moved away and I get very lonely, especially when things are rough in my marriage. Thus....here i am. kc and molly...you guys seem like great women who i'd love to get to know. Either of you live near kansas city?

kc..when i was younger, in my 20's, i too was in to drugs....i have a vulnerability there too. Most of the time i do things for myself to make myself feel better, especially when times seem dark. Tomorrow i'm going to get some stuff injected in my face to iron out the wrinkles...my way of growing old gracefully, makes me feel good.

I just wanted to know if women really do have their mates as their best friends; that it's not a myth. I've heard not to expect your husband to be your best friend and that's just difficult for me to accept. I mean, for god's sake, you're married; if he's not your best friend, who is?

Long reply here...thanks...wish i knew you both.

[molly123]

Hey KC - Thumbs up to you for staying clean and moving forward! Glad you have a wonderful husband now. You deserve to be happy! Feel bad for your girlfriend. *****, too bad she co-signed some loans for him!! Is he making any payments or are the bills all falling on her lap now too? Well, at least she heading the right direction - hope she forget that jerk soon and meet someone good and caring. I'm sure she is grateful to have you as a friend too....

Molly