Rehab or home kick??

[Baseball65]

Hi.
I was reading internet searches on how to kick my painkiller/tranquilizer habit,and I stumbled across this board.....it seems I'm definitely not alone.

I was just down the page reading "creeky's" post,and it was eerily similar to my own experience...giving them to my wife to hold,trying to taper off,running out early....I thought I typed it in my sleep.

I've been on Hydrocodone for about 5 years since a series of accidents in '98-00'(back surgery..and later, crushed under a wall that collapsed at work).I worked my dosage up from 1 and a half lortabs a day to the 7-8+ I take nowadays.They started making me have anxiety attacks so I added xanax about 2 years ago(to replace valium).I've been using restoril to sleep for about 7 or 8 years,though I've never driven the dose up or been an everynight user....I only used it for what it was prescribed for.

The odd thing is,I never used the Pain meds for pain....they never worked!!! I was in constant pain between '98 and '00 and was driven to the edge to where I often lay in bed contemplating (guiltily) suicide.....I have two beautiful sons and a wonderful wife.

I read Dr. John Sarno's "HEALING BACK PAIN" in 00' and was pain and med free in about 3 weeks!!!! ....I won't type the entire text of his method here,but you can search him on the web..

BUT......When I returned to work I found I HATED my job,felt like a horrible parent,and was trapped in a vice of pressure to support my family vs. what I really wanted to do in life(I've been a signed and unsigned musician/songwriter for most of my adult life)

...One day at work I discovered all those painkillers that didn't kill pain DID make the stupidity and infinite boredom of my job tolerable: sanding a floor as big as a football field: painting a wall four stories high: lugging water up a hill in 5 gallon buckets....a hundred of them......It became OK if I was on Lortab.
ALSO my workplace is infested with drugs,and I discovered I could grease the palms of supervisors and bosses with Vics and xanax to keep better jobs,or get hired in the firstplace.

So...five years later I'm totally addicted,have tried and failed to taper off and am ashamed to be living a big fat lie.

My Insurance will pay for a medical detox,and I've contacted one that will take me in.I don't know If I should try to sweat it out myself OR just go in.My families going on a vacation(without me) and If ever there was a time,I suppost this would be the best,but I'm really scared.

What if I can't stand the withdrawals? What if I get clean and find out I'm really incapable of doing my job? What if I am really a ****** parent,and was only patient with my kids because I was aenesthitized.My wife pointed out that during my addiction I ceased drinking,have been relatively stable,and stopped having anxiety attacks...I know she loves me,but I think she's as afraid of me kicking as I am.

Should I try to sweat it out myself.....I just can't keep going on like this.....I also have no one to talk to about it...all my friends are either users or unaware of my problem...I'm known as a hardworking driven obsessive type...this makes me feel like a failure and a LIAR!

any insights would be appreciated.
Thanks for your time
Baseball65

[HumbleMan10248]

Baseball yes when ur famaily goes away take soem tiem off work and plan ur detox..NO in my humbl eopinion dotn sweat it out get to a doc or rehab centre talk to professionals im a recovering opiate addcit so i think mine is bit diff form your in terms of wd's but there must be and there is a subsitute u can swith over to which is easier to ween off dont try the cold trukey appaoreach its not nice and can be dangerous so plz get help professinl rehab centre type help

[Baseball65]

Hi humbleman.
Thanks for answering.
I think there is a part of me that feels like I'm weak if I need to get help medically.The place I talked about going to uses subutex??

Another "Fear" of mine is my own history with rehab.....I was a cocaine abuser in the 80's in my late teens/early 20's.I ended up in a hardcore near cult-like 12 step group.....wrote thousands of pages of inventories,made all my amends(even robberies,burglaries,...even to the freakin' LAPD)
I had a truly profound experience followed by an even deeper depression at the phony-ness of the people who had assured me of "recovery".
I buried this experience like a cat burying it's ***** and just went about my life as if it never happened.
It's hard to sit through a 12 step meeting.....I never wanted a date or a job...i just wanted to find a way to be OK inside of my own skin.
After I got married and had kids,I found,contrary to the company line,that drug addiction does NOT equal alcoholism though they have many similar components......I have no drinking problem,except when drugs were thrown in the mix.I don't even drink all that much.The "programs" insistence on complete abstinence from everything seemed to almost make a problem where there wasn't one.
So....you can add "fear of 12 step groups" to that list of fears.

Just scared.....that's all.
Thanks for replying....I need all the unbiased input I can get
Baseball65

[Nervous Nellie]

Hi Baseball,

It's neat of you to share...that's the first step in dealing with stuff.

Just to recap, to ensure I understand your history correctly...your recent addiction is due originally to a back injury and the resulting pain, and prior to that, back in your youth (I use that term loosely, I am 46! LOL), you had addictions to coke and other substances.

You're now in a job that you're not really excited about, but you have no choice, you have a family to support. If you had your 'druthers (another old expression), you'd be doing something a whole lot more creative, related to music...

There's lots of ways to come off drugs. There's ways to do it easy and there's ways to do it hard.

The bottom line is, if you're still crying inside, and until you resolve that longing within you...the rest is a moot point. You will only pay lipservice to the drug rehab if you don't really feel it inside. There must be something inside you creatively that can get out and be expressed, or you will continue to stifle it with drugs. It puts you in a "lala" land where you don't really care anymore. Being in that "lala" land also squelches any desires you may have had to pursue your dreams. It will get you through today, and make you care less about tomorrow.

I know you want to be the person you just know is inside you screaming to get out and express yourself.

My thoughts and prayers for you during this really rough time. You are a good soul and your family loves you a lot.

Karen

[HumbleMan10248]

hi baseball

in all hoensty first it aint weak to seek professional help of any kind..we cant do it alone..we u need support of others..

also on another point about susbutex only today i switched to subutex and it meesed my head up i went into wd's immediatly as i tried switchig form meth to it so sub is def not for me but i have read on this post that other ppl who have pain meds porbs find sub very well to suit their needs in term o f a much better substitue to meth i think thas is because there a diff between pain meds and street heroin some where..maybe in the way they act on the receptors or the curve of discharge form the blood sytem..for ex meth is long acting with a curve/per unit time in the way it dissaptes whereas heroin goes out your body in a straght line/per unit time hence the wd's are worse short term off H..

and about the 12 steps..well i tried NA last yr and that was the only tiem ive been able to stay clean for a continous 2 months..without a blip..so im now planning to go back..ive been off street drugs for month but with blips so hoepfully when i return it will help me NA that is..

look all i can suggest mate is both of the above i feel in short term u need to get to a rehab outpatients outreach whatver..just so u can detox off the stuff then long term maybe go back to NA that is only i t ress only if you feel comfortable with NA aagin i knwo it may not be or everyone..

in the end it is somewheat about do u belive in GOd if u do pray and tell others to pray for you to..what else can u do when u dont see any other way out obviously u have to surrender to a higher force who is capable of getting u out of it..im not tryin to preach jsut trying to use logic to a situtaion even though the logic does depend on your own "personal" faith

Humble