I Feel Awful

[Brenda1953]

I have been self medicating with morphine for a very large fibroid tumor for 3 months. About 200 mgs a day. And of course, I like the buzz.

I tried to go the legal route but where I live that is literally impossible. After 3 months, I finally got a referral to pain doctor. Who doesn't have to take me as a patient and probably won't according to my gyn because I can be cured by a simple hysterctomy.

So why don't I just have the hysterctomy. Because I also have colon bleeding and my GI doc says that we need to deal with that right away. So I'm scheduled for a virtual colonoscopy on the 18th.

Why all this time? Because it takes a minimum of three weeks to get a doctor's appt. And I've just been going from one to the other and hearing one thing and then another. Of course, they would not prescribe narcotics in the meantime.

I'm sure this isn't making any sense. It has been three days since I took any morphine. I am really sick.

The GI doc gave me some samples of ultracet for the pain but I refuse to take it. Not even if it makes me feel better. He doesn't know about the morphine and was just trying to help me painwise.

I'm drinking Immodium A/D like it's water.

Will I ever sleep again?

I was also addicted to benzos and tapered off them and it was NOTHING compared to this.

Any advice. Will it start getting better soon. I can't eat either.

Brenda1953

PS Sorry, I know someone else already has this name but I can't think so couldn't come up with anything else.

[Christin]

How long has it been since you had any morphine? The wd's you are experiencing are par for the course for any opiate, but they do get better after 3-5 days. As for the insomnia, if you can get ahold of any valium, that's about the only thing that ever worked for me. I once tried drinking a whole bottle of cinnamon shnapps and still didn't sleep for a couple of days after that. There are a variety of over the counter and home based things you can do that are supposed to help, but I never found much relief in any of it...seemed like it was more effort and work to try to figure out what might work. You are just going to be miserable for a while, no way around it. Try taking hot baths...the relief is temporary but it really does make you relax for as long as you are in the bath. Hang in there!

[Brenda1953]

I took some restoril, went to bed at 10. I woke up at 11. I couldn't lay still more than three seconds. I put the covers on cause I was cold. I threw them off because I couldn't stand them touching me. Then put them back on. And off.

And I jerked around every three seconds. I got up. Laid down. Got up. Paced around. Laid down

Total fog head from the restoril but the jerking made it impossible to lay down.

I lasted one hour. Got some Lortabs and ate 4. I have no idea what equivalency of morphine this is. I was taking 200 mgs a day. It probably won't touch the symptoms. I ate another restoril and two Ambien.

And here I am, typing away. But not jerking. Unless I lay down.

I just couldn't deal with the jerks. Wish I had read this first and knew about the hot baths.

So how far have I set myself back? Please tell me it isn't to the beginning.

I wish I had saved some morphine to taper with at least.

OK, off to take a hot bath in the middle of the night.

Brenda1953

[Brenda1953]

The Lortabs, the restoril and ambien and hot bath worked. I knocked myself out. I woke up this morning crying and have been crying now for two hours straight. So besides, jerking around like spazz, my eyeballs look like I spent the night on a alcohol binge.

I keep thinking I'm just such a weenie and I couldn't even last 4 days. Now I'm probably back to square one and have to go through everything all over again. I just want to put a gun to my head.

I swear I cannot stand another night of laying there jerking around like a hooked fish and feeling the most intense indescrible discomfort I have ever had. There are no words for it. It's more than aches and pains. My legs are thrashing, nothing can touch my skin, sitting up doesn't help, laying down is worse. There is nothing that can distract me. I even tried to say the rosary.

The good news is the Immodium finally worked after 1 and 1/2 bottles. But that was minor compared to the night from hell. I'd gladly trade 6 hours straight on the toilet for that.

And what's up with this horrible depression? I just can't stop crying.

I'm such a freaking whimp loser junkie. Other people do this. I've seen them and talked to them during it and they were miserable but didn't whine on endlessly about it.

I live in an area of high addiction. Mostly oxycontin. Hillbilly heroin. I have many friends who are junkies. I'd say 98% have never made it. They've kicked CT but after a few weeks relapse. I can't even get through CT. What are the odds I'll stay off.

And if I even manage to make it through this, and I have no choice since I gave what morphine I had left away and only have about 5 Lortabs left, what will I do post surgery? Take Tylenol? I can't ever touch this ***** again. That much is obvious. Now, I'll have to level with the doctors. Who will probably, out of total misinformation, tell me it will be okay for a few days. But I know it won't.

Sorry for the incoherent ramble. At least I know that people here will not think I'm being some kind of drama queen. Or maybe I am. Maybe I'm just not as tough as I thought I was.

And tonight? Do I stay in the tub til my skin wrinkles up?

This morning, except for the depression, I feel a little better but that's probably becuase I still have the Lortabs in my system and when they wear off, I'll probably be back in wd hell again.

I'm not asking for words of encouragement. Just the truth. What's next on the wd agenda. I might just bag the whole thing.

One thing I didn't mention that is pertinent is that there are no rehabs or understanding doctors. The only treatment here for narcotic addiction is cold turkey. Unless I spend my last few dollars on illegal street drugs and attempt a taper. And I have no idea how to even do a taper.

Brenda1953

[goddessgrl65]

Brenda-
I don't think you ruined anything-a few lortab-just took the edge off-i am so sorry-you are not being a drama queen or anything else..your in w/d's and you sound like mE!!Crying/spazzin'out-flippin' like a fish..oh Lord-have mercy!
The depression is a killer-thats what always got me-so i am on suboxone now-
There has GOT to be a hospital near you-they might be able to give you some meds to help-Clonidine can help w/ w/d-it lowers the blood pressure-eases symptoms of sweating/etc..immodium-OTC..HYDRATE if you can its so important-your muscles/body needs it..No detoxs nearby-????
You need some help-did you say 4 days-it will get better-but no more opiates-ive heard people say they have used a little midthru-detox-and it helped-try to keep on-but please seek a dr. or hospital-
peace,,
GGrl65