Hey Sara....Long Time....????

[WICHRIS]

Hiya Sara...I hope this morning finds you doing quite well and at peace...I
have been thinking of you often...praying for you and others on this board
daily/nightly....I miss talkin with you gal !.....You have always been a great
friend to me here and I truly miss your posts...sniff...sniff...I guess I am feeling sad because I am wondering if you are mad at me...???? - Is it
because I " slipped " the other night and drank 6 bud bottles ??? ...sorry
about posting that but I have always been honest ,real in my posts and
I felt for me personally it was important for me to admit that I drank that
night ( as before the other night it had been over a yr since I last got
"hammered "....Hope you are NOT mad at me...I miss your posts and insight ,
encouragement , and friendship....Furthermore, I was wondering at great
lengths lately how is SARA doing ? and your family ?...How are your daily ,
hourly struggles going my friend?...Thinking and Praying for you as always...

Peace...Recovery...Love...Chris

[Sarandipity]

I WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS BE MAD AT YOU CUZ YOU SLIPPED!
Youre going to make me cry. I am sad that I did not check this sooner. Please please know that I am human just like you- I will make lots of mistakes and I have a ton of respect for you and NOTHING could ever change that! I don't judge anyone for anything. I don't claim to have ever walked in anyone else's shoes. Not even my evil ex husband.

The reason I have not posted since Friday is because I suddenly stopped talking to my boyfriend. Ive been sad/ and confused. Mostly sad. It's such a long story. He is such a sweet sweet soul- but my sister told me It's time to start putting my children first- I do- I just feel in love w/ someone who happens to be an addict and my gut feeling is that he is also addicted to breaking up w/ me and then getting back together- fighting w/ me, and raising his voice. Im telling you the bad things.

There are a ton of good things too. Unfortunately. I mean- I thought he was my soulmate and it hurts so bad that it can be so good at times-then when its bad- it's really bad. I feel like Ive been let down... once again in my life.

I can't even sum up in words the good things he has done for me- heres an example:

There is a song by Robbie Robertson- made it 1987 If you dont know it- It goes like this:

Who else is gonna bring you
A broken arrow
Who else is gonna bring you
A bottle of rain
There he goes, moving across the water
There he goes turning my whole
world around

Can you see what I see
Can you cut behind the mystery
I will meet you by the witness tree
Leave the whole world behind

I want to come when you call
I'll get to you if I have to crawl
They can't hold me with these iron walls
We've got mountains to climb

Who else is gonna bring you
A broken arrow
Who else is gonna bring you
A bottle of rain
There he goes, moving across the water
There he goes turning my whole
world around

It was raining one night- he put a rubbermaid container on top of his carport- and it rained pretty hard- he collected the water and put it in one of those jelly-type jars and made a label on his computer and it said " Bottle of rain "
"February 20, 2003" And he gave it to me as a gift. It was the best gift Ive ever recd because it was from his heart

. And for the past two years we have dated. And he has done so many thing to help me make the trans. to becoming a single parent after my divorce- he is a single parent as well.
He helped me take the girls to school when I had Mono. He is the type to never let me down. I am a very sensitive person and when small things that happen that don't need so much "drama" to overcome- there he is w/ the drama and it's all or nothing for him. Since Ive started my recovery (by the way he bought me the NA book and gave it to me last week. Ive been reading it this weekend. Since I have tried that cold turkey thing a few times, I have not been the easiest person to be around. He went through the same thing last October and was at "La Haceinda" for 30 days for treatment- I sent him a card everyday, when it was (Parent visting weekend) I sent a present with them to give to him. He could not have any visits from anyone for 30 days. The day he could- I drove 8 hours to see him and was crying the whole way. When I got there we cryed together too. I went to meeings with him and I accepted him unconditionally in everyway. Then when he came home- things went sour again- he couldn't find a job. After 8 months past he fould a job in New Hampshire. He moved there. ( I live in Houston )
He missed me and his son so much he quit and moved back. Its now been 7 months- no job and he is living w/ parents. He is attending at least 7 meetings everyweek- and can not be alone. He is not happy with being with just hisself. If I need time alone- he goes nuts- calling and sending text messages constantly. Chris, Im sure it's becuase he does not have a job- is is currently looking and put out about 500 resumes. Only one interview.
He is sad becuase he is not in a stable job. He is living with his parents- and now Ive been ignoring his calls becuase my sister and brother and law were over Friday night. He called and I told him - they were there visting. Within 30 minutes- he left 3 messages and sent me a text message. My sister picked up the phone and called him and asked him what the problem was. He said "no problem" so she said what's with sending nasty little messages. He hung up on her and then 5 min later he sent me a text mess that said " Nastly little message"

It's just stuff like that. Kid stuff. Hurtful things. On top of everything I have going on... raising two kids, and working, and dealing with my back- I just don't want the added stress. And thats what our relationship has come to .... <<<<<<<ADDED STRESS>>>>>>>>.

There are two sides to every story- Im in no way near perfect but I have to put my kids first.
Why can't we all just join hands and sing Kumbaya my Lord!


I apoligize for not posting all weekend- Im just sad.
What are you thinking?


Tears,

Sara

[Sarandipity]

Monday, August 23rd. Calling Chris!
Where are you? Are you okay? What is going on. I hope you are hanging on. Im getting kinda worried because you have not posted in a while and I don't know if you found a nurse to come over.

I know how it can be. Sometimes you just need to take a break and just "be".
Chris, you must be feeling so many emotions right now. No matter what, I will always be here to listen. I will not judge, and your bright, sweet soul is so apparent to everyone who reads any of your posts. Im proud to say you are my friend.

Lots and lots of faith, love, and friendship,

SARA

[WICHRIS]

Dear Sara....How are you doing lately...? I must first apologize for not posting
sooner....I am sorry my friend and I appreciate you so much " calling out
to me in posting how I am doing today...." I appreciate your friendship ,
kindness ,empathy,words of wisdom and encouragement so much very
much my friend...I will never forget your kindness and I will always be there
for you and your family...I read everyones posts last night over and over..
it kept me from using !!!...As for today I am happy to report I am still on
track 100 %...taking Wellbutrin XL 300 mg/day ,Fluoxetine 40mg/day and
down to 10 mg Valium/today ( still on my taper )...However I did call my
doctor today and get an rx for Phenergan 25 mg tab ( altho it is a phenothiazine...rather sedating ,it is a good anti-emetic..)..I am not throwing
up or nauseous...I just cant eat at all..even the mere sight of food turns
my stomach and I have absolutely no appetite at all...I spoke with my
doctor today about it and both him and I are somewhat concerned at all
the weight I have lost in the last six months..almost 50 lbs and I fear I
have even lost more weight since I last saw him recently..we went over the
results of physical..blood work and everything was great..CBC ,TSH,Liver
Panel ,BP ...altho my pulse is running alittle high compared to my past
clinical hx...however ,both him and I attributed it to my recent emotional
turmoil ,emotional and verbal abuse ,etc from my ex...He wanted to rx me
Marinol ( basically pharmaceutically pure THC ...used clinically mostly for
cancer pts ,eating disorders to stimulate appetite )..however I never used
" street drugs ,etc " and was uncomfortable personally using that med so
I convinced him to let me try the phenergan instead...so wish me luck in
trying to gain some weight back my friend...I took everyones advice and
left a message for a very close friend of mine to call me ASAP last night
and she called first thing this morning and I explained everything that was
going on with my ex and she called me back shortly and she called off work..
was over this morning within an hour with her daughter and she took me to
my attorney , bank , and then even went and picked up my phenergan rx
for me and also went grocery shopping for me... and her and her daughter
even helped me shower ,clean up around the house ,do laundry ,etc....She
even called me twice tonight to " check on me " and is coming over tomorrow
with some " books , CDS , and some homemade caseroles she is making for
me.."...I do not yet know how I will ever repay her kindness and friendship
but somehow I wll think of something...I guess I have come to realize over
the last 7 yrs..I have " always given and not received at least in reference
to my ex.."...I have to admit my depression is winning right now - overwhelming sadness ,despair and many bouts of crying...I am in a very
dark and scarey place right now for the first time in my life and it is really
scarey and frightening...however, I am determined to fight and once again
find peace ,happiness and hope.....Thank you Sara..just so you know altho
I did not post earlier...you have been in my thoughts and prayers today as
always and I am always wishing ,praying and thinking of everyone here on this
board daily....truly wishing everyone the best...recovery of the mind ,soul ,
body, spirit and better days ahead for all.....

Love...Chris

[Sarandipity]

Morning! I am thinking of you and so very greateful of your friend who came over, took you to see your atty, bank, groceries, help you do laundry, and is coming over again tonight. What a friend!

Whenever me and my boyfriend get in fights and don't talk to each other- I can't eat a thing. I complely lose my appetite. I try to drink those weight gainer shakes, and eat yogart, and applesauce. Nothing w/ subtance- It would make me want to throw up.

I read Lynn's post to you about a person who is unable to love. It really made me think. She is a very intellegent person! I love her too to peices!
Listen to her, she is right.

The hard thing about the situation now is that your not able to just pick up and go do something. Being confined to the house makes a break up even more stressful. Stay on the boards- keep taking us. Do you like coffee? Can your friend and her daugher take you to a place where you can get outside and get some fresh air and have a coffee? Do you watch TV, Movies?
What do you like to watch?

Im sorry but I did not know if you went to a meeting? If you went how was it? Are you going back? Im excited that you are staying on course w/ your plan of tapering. Ive taken phenergen, I took it when I ran out of Ambien- it makes you drousy. So.... my Christina turned down some meds from the doc.
Youve got some guts! I had a lamanectomy on my L5S1 which is degen. and was herniated at the time. I took me at least 6 weeks to get back on my feet where I didn't feel the numbness and I wasn't worried about re-injuring myself- I took hydro's the whole time. And that doesnt even come close to having a fusion. Did I tell you that's what I need? They are doing PT to open my pelvis first to see if I can just handle the pain of having the degen disc.

Anyway, did you read the e-mail about my ex? What are your feelings on that? I would love to talk to you about it. I value your judgment and want to know what you think.

Chris, have a good morning. Write back if you have time. Im sooooooo glad you are here for me to talk to. Im a little less crazy now.

P.S. my 3 year old wore her jammies to school AGAIN today. She just isent a morning person.

Lots and lots and lots of hugs,
Your friend,
Sara