My Moment of Truth

Brenshay · 10-09-2004, 11:52 AM

Hi Everyone,

I finally went to the doctor with my husband yesterday regarding my Vicodin addiction. This was after my husband came home the other day to find me crying hysterically and having withdrawals because I had run out and had not been able to get any more. I swear that part of me thought and hoped the doctor was going to write me a prescription for Vicodin and send me on my way, even though I knew that was foolish.

The doctor told me that it's easy to become a drug addict in a short time with this medication and that I had been taking a lot of it. He suggested a slow taper off the Vicodin and gave me Strattera, which he said was a medication that might give me the same stimulating effect the Vicodin did. I have not tried it yet, so I don't know. I asked him about Clonodine, but he told me that it doesn't really work and didn't give me any. He wants to see me back in two weeks.

I was honest with my husband in the parking lot and told him that I wasn't sure if I could taper the medication the way the doctor wanted me to. I told him that it was likely I would also have the desire to look for more. I told him that I wanted to stop in my head for the right reasons, but inside my heart I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do it. We took separate cars home, and by the time I got home he had already hidden all the Vicodin that I had and has been doling the tapering schedule out to me every day.

I know all this is happening for the right reasons, but part of me feels angry at being treated like a criminal or a little kid. I think I'm just mad that these pills are going to be out of my life and I'm never going to have that good feeling again. I know that Vicodin is a horrible drug that causes horrible addictions, but when I was taking it I felt so normal and functional. I could get so many things done around the house and all my work done and was happy while I was doing it.

I know it sounds sick, but I don't know how I'm going to live my life without it. I know that's not what people want to hear, but I feel I have to be completely honest at this point. That's why I told my husband the truth about how I was feeling. Both of us were sick of the lies and deceit that comes from taking these pills. I was getting them and trying to sneak them into the house and not let my husband know how much money I was spending, but then he would eventually find out anyway. He was getting fed up with all the lies, and lying is not something I did before Vicodin came into my life.

I would appreciate any and all support I can get while I have to go through this process. I know there's no turning back for me now, and I would love to have some hands to hold as I walk through this fire. You all have been so good to me here when I was coming to terms with being an addict and urging me to seek help. Please help me now through the hardest part. Thanks.

windysan · 10-09-2004, 12:23 PM

I don't know how many vics you were taking per day....that would help us tell you what to expect in terms of withdrawal time. The drug the doc gave you...is it an anti-depressant? I'll check and post again. Just know that you will get your life back. All the chaos is attributable to the drugs and when you clean up you will feel normal again. You will get your energy back again. Opiates are false energy. Just drink lots of water. Take some Ibuprofen for the aches and Imodium for the diahrrea. If you can't eat regular food get some Ensure shakes. The worst will be over in 3-4 days....mostly flu-like symptoms if your dose wasn't that high. I suggest Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous(they accept dopers too) for the mental part of the withdrawal. It isn't that difficult to quit....making the decision to quit is the hardest part. Let us know your dosage of vics.

be strong

windysan · 10-09-2004, 12:27 PM

It looks like Strattera is used to treat ADD and ADHD. I am simply astonished at how idiotic doctors are when it comes to addiction and withdrawal. You can try the Strattera and see if it offers relief. It does alter the chemicals in the brain.....just how....well, I don't know. I suggest that you go see an addiction specialist. This doctor you are seeing sounds like he's not too experienced in the addiction field.

rockingham · 10-09-2004, 12:44 PM

for brenshay,

i understand your feelings of anger and being upset that you wont ever be able to get high again. that is just what i concentrated on when i admitted i was an addict and had to stop using. knowing you wont experience the pure joy that the euphoria of an opiate high provides produces much sorrow over the fact that its over and you have to move on and live your life without the benefit of this wonderful little helper called hydrocodone. take these words to heart brenshay, i promise it will get better. but its a long process and takes much patience. it will take a few months to get over the acute disappointment of not getting high again. you will need to keep the faith and trust that it will happen and lean on your support for help thru the times when its getting you down. i was in your shoes about a year ago and i feel so much better now. i have come so far from that day i put down opiates.

counseling would help you get your feelings out in the open and allow a professional to offer advice on how to make peace with how you feel. i would recommend contacting a substance abuse counselor. i did and it helped brenshay

Brenshay · 10-09-2004, 03:41 PM

Thank you for your responses. I was taking about 4-5 Vicodin-ES per day, which I think is kind of a low dose even though the doctor said it was a lot. I really appreciate the advice on how to get through the withdrawals. Especially since I went to the drugstore to pick up that Strattera and they had it on hold because they needed further information from my doctor whose office doesn't open back up until Monday. So I don't have that to try.

I understand about feeling the sorrow of losing that good feeling from the drug. I have read on here so many times that people feel better after they stop the drug than when they were on it, but right now that just seems so foreign to me. I can't imagine feeling better than when I take the Vicodin. I hope one day I will post on here and say the same thing.

I also paged my therapist who I have not seen for a couple of months, but who I have seen on and off for the past 6-1/2 years. He is going to see me on Monday and I am going to tell him the whole sordid tale. He has no idea about any of this, so I imagine it will be a shock. To think this all started with a simple procedure of wisdom tooth removal.