Hi HQ!
You were reading my cyber mind! I just posted to Lynn yesterday that I was going to start a new thread with a similar title as yours & try to round up the "old gang." I've been in a New York state of mind as far as those Twins and Ellnyc, and then throw the southerners in there
, & all the rest from places unknown, well, I just miss everyone! I see some posts from each person scattered around, but it's always so nice to have a thread going where we can find those we tend to seek out the most.
You sound really good...you confessed to three, & that's hard to do, but it's great to be able to do it. It's certainly not something I would be putting my "hair jacket" on over, & the self-flogging can wait, too. We are so very, very hard on ourselves & I think we tend to overlook how very far we've come--still seeing the negatives before the positives. We have surely trained ourselves to see our lives & the way we lived it as "bad." Breaking that thought pattern is so difficult, but so necessary.
We are our own worst critics & censors, yet we can easily see success in others & articulate it to those here who need an objective
eye to listen to them, a shoulder (unfortunately in the shape of a monitor) to lean on, & a therapeutic push in the form of a keyboard stroke to help others. It can be made simpler if we just stop & remind ourselves that sometimes, to truly understand what is happening in our hearts & minds to not look back at what has been achieved (although we need to remember the very good things we have done), but to not see that as all, you know? We need to look more at what we aspire to do, we are working on our addiction, & our efforts are paying off. Each person here, by virtue of each post they write, is still aspiring to do more, to do better. That is good enough.
This leads me to our Lisa! How good it is to read you working your way out of that codependent way of thinking that your husband almost had you believing! You're too smart for that, Lisa. It's easy to remember the things we know, like rationally you know you are not responsible for his happiness, only for yours, & I truly understand the desire to just say "fine, for the sake of peace, I'll go along with [whatever]" & that's why I admit now to being a bit worried back when you were reeling from his verbal assault of "it's over..." To read you saying "if it's nice he wants, it's nice he'll get," surprised me. To put a 'first step' spin on it, you could say you are powerless over others & the way they act, but you can remove yourself as his victim. Besides, there are easier ways to do him in than to smother him with kindness, lol
He has so much, yet he seems so blind to it, while you on the other hand, really seem to work on appreciating your good moments & up times. You realistically accept that bad "stuff" is just a part of life sometimes, but it doesn't have to BE OUR LIVES, & it's too bad he doesn't know that yet. Go with the thoughts you expressed in your post & don't allow his outlook on life to carry over into yours. You are two separate people & who knows what your future will be? But for now, it is good to read of you living in your moment, in your now... A couple of great quotes from the book "The Language of Letting Go" come to mind when I think of you two
..."I spent a year trying to prove to my husband how much his [drinking, drugs, negativity, verbal abuse, whatever is specific to your relationship] was hurting me. When I began to recover, I realized I was the one who needed to realize how much his [again, whatever it is] was hurting me." The other one is like
"I spent forever trying to prove to my husband how healthy & responsible I was. Then I realized what I was doing, he didn't need to realize how responsible & healthy I was, I did." Once we make those points with ourselves, once we understand a situation, we will know what to do. You've certainly shown yourself that you know what is best for you & what you need to do in order to stay clean, Lisa, & that is good enough...you might have to just say to yourself that it isn't up to you to show it to him, & by the sound of your post...you are doing that, & I hope that makes you feel "lighter." You're not carrying his weight of negatives around with you anymore, you have given them back to their rightful owner.
Well, Lynn...I should have known you would have modeling clay! Isn't that so weird?! What a coincidence...I hadn't thought of play-doh in forever, & then I learn Alice just gave you some! So very much in common...I'd love to be able to model animals and things together
! And when I read that you take your ski collection of things down to look at them a bit closer, oh, I do the very same thing with my glassware & miniature animals! Toys, they do add a new dimension to this recovering of my lost artist. Kaleidoscopes, play doh, jacks (my fingers are not nearly as nimble as they used to be...can't get past "threesies!"), prisms, etch-a-sketches, all of those old-but-now-new-again things that we all probably had in our rooms as kids. I'd love to hear from the rest what their favorite toys were?! One thing I loved was my friend's spirograph. We'd spend hours on that thing. I hope this exercise I'm doing is not really me just regressing. You'll find me going through primal scream therapy next! BTW, like you, I love lists, too, my lists have sub-lists!!
I'm sorry to hear you've been down, & I'm anxious to know what your dr. thinks, do you think the taper is too much too soon? It seems so fast! I feel like I'm left in the dust with all of you either nearing or having already crossed the finish line. I know I can't let impatience get me, but.. I am glad there are different options for all the different types that get involved in addiction. We couldn't do it if it weren't for choices. My clinic is just getting more into the Sub, & I wonder how much of it being so new to them was why they didn't really discuss Sub w/me, it was right to the methadone. Please let us know. I've read your posts when you're down, if you are able to post, & clinical depression such as yours is like a double whammy you were dealt. Then having had the hiatus w/your foot, I'd be so anxious to get back to the "nest," as well. You are so strong & caring, so sensible about your approach to getting off the pills. Give yourself time, you know yourself the best.
I am doing so much better on my methadone since they tweaked my doseage up & it's given me the chance to keep moving forward with recovering that lost artist, that lost child, & identify the blocks that got in my way. I am balancing my need to be alone, my "nesting," as Lynn so perfectly describes it, with my rediscovered desire to get out of the house & do totally new & different things. The challenge is finding inexpensive ways of doing that. Sure I'd love to go to my local Philharmonic, but settled for a free violin quartet concert at the liberal arts college a few miles from me. Playing local tourist is giving me the chance to be alone yet out there again & I so need to get out there. When I think back on the pill-induced isolation, I see that as a dangerous solitude & different from the alone-time we all need to some degree. Time to pamper ourselves. I can't afford a hot stone massage, but I've settled for an hour alone to give myself a facial & pluck my eyebrows, LOL! When kids & spouses are in the picture, it is so easy to put others' needs always ahead of ours. In this book I'm reading about recovery, she asks you to go look in your sock drawer & see if you have good, warm, matching socks. I did, & I don't
! They're all threadbare & too small, & I wear my kids' socks! How silly is that?! Why do we do that?! Am I the only one here who would fail the "sock test?"
Overall, I am feeling good physically...the meth makes me tired sometimes, especially if I don't get good sleep the night before, I drag myself around all day. But the mental cravings are almost gone. I seldom, if ever, dream about pills like I did in the beginning. Now I wake up with night sweats & realize it's not about withdrawals, it's about menopause! Something new to discuss with my doctor when I'm ready. For now, I'm living by the theory of "but what did the pioneer women do?" Speaking of that, I have to tell you something funny before I sign off. When I went to the local City's history museum & there was a whole level of the medical, dental & pharmaceutical procedures & treating what ailed you in the late 1800s & early 1900s. These people were flying! Nine out of ten of the old medicine bottles had over 25% alcohol in them, along with cocaine and/or morphine! It was bottled & sold to treat everything from digestive disorders to headaches to colds & flus to warts! It truly made me laugh out loud. The alcohol content alone was in the 20-40 percent range! I wonder if that contributed to their rather short life span?
Well now, if we could call out GoddessGirl, Sara, CMom, Ellnyc, Marich, Michelle (I so miss Banker & BCBurnaby!?) Lisa, I noticed your MIA post to Willow, Deerme & Michelle also. When I was a lurker a loooong time ago, I was enthralled by your conversations with Willow. You two were so close, I hope she resurfaces.
I have more, yes MORE, to write you all about, but have to see if I can get some feeling back into my fingers 1st. It's so good to talk to you all again, thank you HQ for posting out to everyone, & to any new folk reading this, please chime in. It's great to see all the new names & threads on the boards. As HQ said, LET'S POST!
Love you all,
Dallas Alice
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