Tori, First know that you are not alone and there are so many of us who are going through and feeling the same way as you RIGHT NOW!!!! Please dont be so hard on yourself, you are struggling right now and PLEASE PLEASE dont ever say that your girls would be better off if you were gone!!!!! My best friend (she was just like my sister) struggled with drug abuse and depression for many many years and she had said that to me about her children being better off without her. Well, she gave birth to her third child last year on mothers day, once the baby was born it was clear she was struggling with postpartum depression and of course, then her drug and alcohol addiction reared its ugly head. When her baby was 3 mos 1 week old, she was found dead hanging in her shower! So i can say first hand now that i am raising her two older children, ages 4 and 7, they are not better off without her!!!! yeah, during her drug abuse periods she was short tempered with them and i believe at times physically abusive, but ya know what, her kids still loved her UNCONDITIONALLY.
Tori, i know first hand what you are going through. Ya know, it seems that depression and drug abuse go hand in hand. I know that i was going through a terrible bout of depression when i herniated discs in my neck. That was the start of my love affair with vikes and percs. The pain was so intense, the pills didnt take away all the pain but they sure did lift the depression. I though wow, what a miracle drug. That all started about 3 1/2 years ago. I am still struggling today. When i read your post, i just knew that i needed to talk to you, as your story is my story. Maybe we can help each other.
You would have thought i would have known better than to get myself in this position seeing how i watched my brother in law and my best friend (they were a couple, the 2 kids i have belong to the both of them) for years struggle with addiction. Where did it get them? She is dead and he is in Federal Prison, now my husband and i have to raise these children until their father gets out of prison and in the mean time take these little children to a prison to visit their father!!!! The 4 year olds relationship with his father was built in prison seeing how he was 10 months old when his dad went in. I have alot of stress in my life as i have 5 children of my own with my youngest being 8 and he is SEVERELY handicapped. (he has severe brain damage) I am raising the 4 and 7 year old who have issues. (why wouldnt they) Then there is a 14 year old boy i was raising full time until a few months ago and now i have him every weekend and all school holidays, he also belongs to my brother in law that is in prison. He has a different mother than the 4 and 7 year old. His mother has mental illness. I have been on this board for quite sometime, I am yet to really share my whole story with everyone. I think i have told you more than anyone.
Please know that i am here for you. There is help out there available for you as well. I know how hard it is to go out and get help, especially when no one knows the real truth and you dont want anyone to find out!!!!! That is me!!!
Well, now that i have wrote a book and probably didnt give you any good answers i will close. Just know that there are alot of people here who can give excellent advice and support. We all really do care.
Lots of hugs to you, Wendy
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