O.k....well here it goes....i have been diagnosed with cancer...and am waiting to have an hysterectomy in may....
Well of course as soon as the word "cancer" comes up, you can get any dam pain killer you want. I did the vicodin things for a few weeks and realized i hated myself on them and like the "real" Lisa w/out drugs. The problem then was getting back off of them and facing real pain issues. I decided the week before last to quit narcotics and researched ultram. I ordered it online for the first time ever, and it got me thru the first week (last week) w/ minimal w/d, just the first 5 days some of the runs and anxiety....
Well i still found that they helped alot more than advil with the pain. I take about 4 50mg. pills a day, sometimes only 3 if i am not having too much pain. Those ultram stopped the pain, dead in its tracks. I have been 100% functioning. I am not dibilatated by pain with ultram.
Well last night, my hubby looked at HIS bank accound online and found that i had ordered something online. He freaked out, said he never wanted to see that again in his bank account, then sat down, then got back up and said he is NOT taking me away this weekend to Salem, like we planned, today is our 5th wedding anniversary, and he is yet, once again, moving out. He left w/out me even getting to explain. All night he wouldn't answer his phone, and now this morning either. I just want to explain, that i am trying to avoid narcotics until after surgery, then i still am going to try to avoid any take-home prescriptions. I am trying so dam hard to win this battle, and i felt so good about myself taking the ultram instead of a heavy narcotic. What should i do or say to my husband IF he does contact me today. He is really giving me the cold shoulder this time, and i have never done this before, even at my height of addiction. He doesn't even go to the doctors with me, so he is oblivious to my situation. He never knows when i use and when i don't because he is never here, and if he is here, it is only physically here, not mentally. Sorry to ramble on, i am just so dam disappointed that he has to run away every time there is a little issue. Especially when tomorrow we are supposed to be going to Salem, staying in a honeymoon suite this weekend. I guess not, guess i am not worthy. Why won't he let me explain? What does he think i ordered? He mentioned viagra for my "boyfriend", which makes no sense to me. Shouldn't his first thought be pain killers? Not viagra? And when the hell would i have the time to have a boyfriend. I have 4 kids, some days i don't even get to shower until 9 at night, a boyfriend is the last thing on my mind. I guess because i used to be an exotic dancer when i was in my early 20's he has never really gotten used to the idea that i have changed.
I am heart broken today, i went tanning all week, got some sexy nighties, everything this week was to prepare for this weekend. We haven't been away alone for years.....i was so looking forward to bonding with him this weekend. Why doesn't he want to talk?
Please i need support and advice today, i really want to use more than ultram, at this point, and it is only 7 a.m........relapsing isn't the answer, i know, and to top it all off, he left me with no money, no gas in my vehicle, so i couldn't get to a meeting if my life depended on it. I also have a sick 3 yr old, with a double ear infection, and strep......
If i am such a junkie, why the hell doesn't he take his kids when he moves out????? Why leave them with a failure of a mother??? If he is so perfect and drug-free, then i am sure he can do a better job at parenting than me. I thought i was doing the right thing, by kicking the narcotics again, and i know all about ultram, i researched it for days and days, but i DO have cancer, and need some type of pain relief.
ADVICE PLEASE ASAP...i am a mess today.
luv,
LISA
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