here we go again with all the lies

[ruined]

well this is my 1st time on this board i just feel i have to tell some one that im not ok iv just got used to telling ppl now that im finei have had bulimia since i was14 7 and a half yrs and s/h wich i try so hard to control but i cant the lies and scares and cuts have driven my b/f awayi was put on prozac and told not to drink but i did and i went really strange it was like sittin in a room watchin some one behave like a mad woman and i couldn stop it im not usually like this but my b/f says he cant cope and wont speack to me and now iv just gone down hill am covered in cuts again and just needed to tell some one

[saleenbty]

Hi sorry hun,

I wish i could give you a hug, I don't know what i would do. I think i'd be at the same place with you with cutin and all that other **** that we do to keep our minds away from the hurt if my bf left. Do you have any other close freinds? The people in your life are soo important, and i'm afraid my bf is the only one i have and i just keep things secretive from here and lie lol to make sure i dont loose him. I'm sorry i have no advice, but your not alone. I feel for ya, i'm sorry. I'm sure you know as well as i do that we don't need to hurt ourselves when others around us hurt us as well. but i said it anyways.

ooo i know, buy yourself some flowers (it'll bring a small smile) well it does to me, try painting, something productive. That sometimes helps me get out of slumps that i repeatedly fall into.

much luv,
my best

Becca

[*wemmy*]

hey dal, i wish i had advice for u too, this **** is so hard to deal with on its own without the added pressure of ur bf leaving u. i dunno what to say except that we r here 4 u. i know the pain that lying does to u. ive lied to so many ppl for so long. i have no one to talk to about this and i jjust want to scream. ive had so many fights with my bf because i cant open up to him when im upset about stuff. i just want to talk to him but i cant because i dont want him to think he has a weird gf who isnt normal and im so afraid he will leave me and i dont think i could take it. last night we had a huge fight and im so so scared he is getting sick of all my crap. if only he knew the pain i put myself through every minute of every day, and most of it is all for him, because he means the world to me and i want him to have a pretty gf. god i sound so pathetic, but its just how i feel. i really hope this doesnt trigger anyone, it is just my warped mind and i know it but i cant stop it, i am so scared.
actually, u know what? i do have some advice. i know that right now you must be in terrible pain from losing your bf, and as cliche as this sounds, it will pass. and maybe then you will have some time to concentrate on yuorself, and your own needs? you can get better without anyone watching and judging you. i have had anorexia for 4 years and 2 years ago before i met my current bf, i was single and well on the way to recovery, because i had time for myself. and i was getting better for me. it all went down hill when i started to try and lose weight to impress my bf, even though i was still underweight from having anorexia.
it has just gotten worse and worse scince then and its gotten to the stage where my metabolism is just screwed and i cant eat more than 200 cals a day without putting on weight, and im not even losing weight anymore, im just stuck. its really bad. i want to tell everyone on this board to not let it get to this stage because the anorexia isnt even satisfying anymore because you get to a point were u are basically putting on weight from eating nothing at all, because your body is so screwed. its really not worth it. when i was recovering 2 years ago i was doing great and not stacking it on like i thought would happen, and now look what ive gone and done to my body. guys really, the sooner you recover the better.
anyways hopefully you might have the luck i did when i was single, and find the time to love youself rather than loving someone else. i know it hurts now, but it might give you a chance to recover. i wish i could give u a huge hug.

em
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[liza2]

em
hey hun I just wanted to tell you that you aren't pathetic, you are beautiful! And we all on some degree know what you are going through. I don't have a bf but the pain i am putting my parents through right now is so ridiculous and i know they think that i am just being selfish and the only thing i care about is gaining weight but thats not it! I want to stop this thing but its just like everytime i am feeling better about eating right and being healthy, something brings me back to my stupid ways. Im always finding myself saying... "its ok, today i wont eat but tommorrow i promise, i will eat healthy..." but it doenst last. Its become day after day now and i dont even like how skinny i am anymore but i dont want to gain weight. I went to the gyno the other day because i havent had a period in forever and she told me i had to gain weight and im like... yah you make it sound so easy, just gain weight and my problems will go away, yah right. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and we are not crazy or pathetic, we are just going through stuff that makes us feel like it. Keep in touch and hang in there, I have faith that everyone here will one day be able to find that path to freedom! God Bless you!
Liza

[*wemmy*]

thanks liza,
it was really nice to have someone understand, i have never told anyone how i feel or what im going through, and now i do feel abit better and not so crazy. my doc has started to monitor my weight cuz i think he has realised somethings up after i stepped on the scale when i had the flu or something minor like that. he kept asking me if i was stressed and i just shoved him off telling him i was fine and laughing, i told him i felt great, hadnt lost any weight, and that my periiods were regular. all lies. i havnt had a period in 4years. execpt 4 about 6 months when i was on the pill, but that doesnt really count because they werent my body's hormones. i feel bad for what im doing to my family aswell, my mum would just die if she knew. it has gotten to that stage where even my own mother thinks that im just naturally really thin and just lucky, because i have just gotten so good at hinding food, lying, etc. she doesnt have a clue. i dont look sickly eaither which makes it hard for people to tell the pain im going through. because im only 5'3, i just look little, and my cheeks are naturally chubby, my face looks healthy. people just say to me, your so tiny, and just think im natually a really little person.
anyway, in the bf depatment, we went to a party sat night and he was still being really cold towards me and i didnt know why, he wouldnt talk to me or anything. i ended up getting really drunk and one of my friends drove me home in tears. the next day i told them i was just over emotional cuz i was pissed, which was partly true. but to be honest it was all this stuff starting to finally boil over and catch up with me. i spose i shouldnt be suprised after 4 years. if my boyfriend doesnt love me i dont think i can ever love myself. anyway he came over last night and just said "sorry" and wouldnt even say why he was mad. i dont think he even knows i went home crying. i think he was just mad i went home without him.
any way gosh im so sorry about this long post, i is abit of a rambler!
from em