ADHD/ODD Killing our family!

akmac · 09-10-2005, 04:41 PM

I think it would be very helpful to me to have someone to talk to (someone who can relate) about my situation with my son's ADHD/ODD and how it is tearing our family apart. I have been dealing with this since my son was about 18 months old he is now going on 10 years old. It was 18 months that I started noticing that there was something not right. He would bang his head on things, bite himself on the arms and worst of all was his temper tantrums. He was physically abusive to himself and others. I had trouble finding a daycare who could handle him with out kicking him out. I brought him to many doctors with my concerns between the ages of 18 months to 4 years and the only responses I could get from the doctors were either "he's just a boy", "he will grow out of it","you spoil him" or "it's the age". When he was 3 he started up with a series of siesures. I had him seen by another doctor who ran blood work and had an EEG done. Out of nowhere the siesures stopped. The doctor could not explain why he had them or if they will ever come back. All the while still dealing with behavior problems. Eventually I did get him in to see a phychiatrist who said that there was somthing wrong but that he was too young to diagnose.

When my son was 5, I married and moved from the states to canada (he came with of corse). Shortly after the move my son totally flipped out (I think it had to do with going through so many changes in such a short period of time), compleatly out of control. I couldn't handle him, the school couldn't handle him so I ended up calling Children's Aid to help me get him to a specialist. He was diagnosed with ADHD and put on ridalin. The ridalin helped with keeping him calm and focusing in school but it took his appetite and he lost too much wieght.

With my concern of his wieght loss I brought him back to the doctor who had to send us to yet again another doctor who retested him and diagnosed him with ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiency Disorder). She took him off the ridalin and started him on concerta. The concert seemed to be working at 36mg, through the day but at night when it wore off it was nothing but fighting and argueing (he was on that all of last school year). Then, once the school year came to an end she changed 36mg to 27mg (just for the summer). I was suprised at how well he did on the 27mg. He didn't seem to get into trouble as often as he had before although, when he did get into trouble it was for more serious things.

Finally a few weeks ago I had to bring my son back to his doctor before he started back to school for the year. Even though I told her he did well on 27mg she put him back up to 36mg Monday thru Friday for school and 27mg on Saturday and Sundays. This is where everything started to fall apart again. I noticed that he was having involuntary muscle movments and he started having trouble sleeping at night. I took it apon myself to use only the 27mg until he saw the doctor again, I also read up on the medication again to see if I could figure out what was wrong. From what I read it sounded to me like the dose of Concerta was too high it said that if you lower the dose the motor tics would stop. The doctor on the other hand said I was wrong, she wanted to leave him on 36mg plus add clonidine (a blood pressure medication). Just doesn't seem right to me so I said no I'm leaving him on the 27mg and seeking a second oppinion.

Now to the part where my family is falling apart. This is the most difficult for me to deal with. When my son's medications are not working I can not control him. I know they say he can't help it but sometimes I feel like he does things on purpose, like he knows exactly what he's doing and he's doing things to me just to hurt me. My husband works afternoon's so I feel I am left with the worst of it because during the day when my son's medication is working things are ok but when they start to ware off (around the time he comes home from school) he gets totally out of control. He won't sit to do homework, he won't come in to eat dinner, he won't stop doing something if he is told to or won't do chores. EVERYTHING is an argument and I feel like I can't handle it anymore. I know I sound selfish for saying this but for the past 9 years I have done everything I could think of to help my son, I have tried so hard and I have loved him so much, I have been through hell and back for this child and all I get is fighting and hatefullness in return. It's like I'm getting nowhere, I feel like I just want to give up. Also, I have recently noticed that through the years I have created some distance. When my son was little we cuddled and hugged all the time but I just started noticing that we havn't been like that in so long. I think I just started feeling so hurt that I had to disconect myself from him, I feel like I'm scared to keep loving him because the more I love him the more pain I feel inside. It's like the more I love him and the more I try to help him the more I get hurt so I just pulled away with out even noticing it until now. I've noticed too that I give more attention to my 2year old son. At first i thought it was because he was younger and he needed more attention but then I started to see that the more my relationship fell apart with my older son the closer me and my younger son became. I feel so guilty for letting this happen but I just don't know what to do.

Things have gotten so bad that I told my husband if we can't find the right help for him soon I'm leaving. I'm going to take my youngest back to the states and leave my oldest here with my husband. I feel like there is nothing more I can do to help my son. I've tried so hard and I am soooooo emotionaly tired some times I just want to die.

If anyone can relate please respond. I think I really need someone to talk to.

rheanna · 09-11-2005, 09:54 AM

Dr. Gabor Mate's book is titled Scattered. Dr. Mate has written some excellent books.

--Rheanna

slaughter17 · 09-11-2005, 11:29 PM

Have any doctors looked into Autism as a diagnoses? Have you tried any behavioral therapies or behavor management? I am sorry to hear of all the things you have been through. You sound like you have been strong for a very long time and need a break. Have you looked into residential placement programs?

akmac · 09-12-2005, 12:59 AM

I will look into getting that book, Thank you rheanna.

slaughter17,
No. None of the doctor's have mentioned Autism. Do you think maybe I should look into that? I don't think thats what it is though. You can deffinatly see the ODD (Oppisitional Defiency Disorder) in him. He is very well behaved when at his friends houses, always using his manners and following rules (so other parents have told me). He just does not like athority. Everything has to be his way, when he wants it, how he wants it or he will explode and fight to the end for what ever it is that he wants. Even when he realizes he's wrong he will continue to fight (he dosen't back down and always has to have the last word). He can be very manipulative and sneaky too.

I have tried Parenting classes. I have tried positive reinforcment, we made up a sticker chart when he was 4. It started as 1 chart a day and the chart was broken down into, i think it was half hour intervals, so every half hour he would get a sticker if his behavior was good and if he was not good within that half hour he did not get a sticker. At the end of the day he would have to have earned so many stickers on his chart to get a reward. I found this big box and i decorated it and I went to the dollar store and filled the box up with little toys and books and things like that and every time he earned a surprize he could take it from the box. As he got a bit older we streched the time a bit longer from a half hour to an hour to an hour and a half and so on. He eventually got bored with it. When he started to act up I would remind him that if he wanted a surprise he had to behave, he started saying "thats ok, I can be bad today and I'll try again tomorrow".

So, after that we started taking privlages away. That also worked for a little while (it did bring on more temper tantrums at first though). We have taken toys away, tv time, birthday parties and special events that were planed, his bike, you name it and he has more than likely lost it at some point in time. That also lost it's affectivness. He just figured that he was going to get those things back eventually anyways so he would act out when he felt like it and then he would be good for a few days so he could play and then have a few more bad days. Back and forth like a rollercoaster.

So then, we started not giving toys back. If he lost a toy it either went in the garbage or we donated it to the women's and chldren's shelter near our home. That also caused temper tantrums at first, but it worked for a bit. Then he just started not to care because "there is always Christmas and birthdays to get new stuff" don't ya know. Those where the exact words, straight out of my 6 year old son's mouth.

So then at 6 we started making him sit at the table and write. He was learning how to read and write at school so what ever they were learning in school he had to practise. We though of it as down time and he would be learning at the same time. That didn't last very long either before he started writting on the funiture and the walls and himself. Yes, I was watching him. He would wait for me to turn away to do the dishes or answer the phone, run to the bathroom ext. When I tried to redirect him to what it was he was supposed to be doing there were more fits or he would just sit and ignore me.

After that we started grounding him to his room. He began distroying his room. Tearing up books, scratching paint off the walls, kicking and hitting walls leaving cracks and holes.

Now he is 9 1/2, we still ground him. I have notice that what works best for us is to ignore him while he is being punished. I know it sound mean but that is what he does to us when he is acting out and he seems to respond some what to it when we do it to him. So far it is the only thing that has shown any signs of long-term affectiveness. Although it does not work all the time it has worked more then anything else we have tried. When he is grounded he spends some time in his room and he spends some time doing chores if he has school work he is expected to do that. We keep all toys in our rec room (we find the kids go to sleep better when toys are not in thier rooms) but we do allow them to have books in thier room's, he is encouraged to read or write while grounded.

He listens much better to my husband than he does to me. If he is grounded during the week while I am home with him I have to struggle with him to get him into the house when he gets home from school, I struggle to get him to do his homework, I struggle to get him to follow punishment (which all of the above usually ends up prolonging punishment). If he is grounded on weekends when my husband is home he usually does what he is told for the most part,but he tries to test his limits. Once in a while he will do things so... not like his age. Like lastnight he took my shaving cream and emptied the whole can into the toilet. Clogged the toilet, it was a full can.

I have thought about residential placement (never looked into it though) but that is not an option for us. I know my son, I really think that would make things worse for him. We are a very close family (even though it may not look that way sometimes) we are very familly oriented.

I don't know what to think anymore. I will ask the doctor about the behavioral therapies and management. Sorry this was so long. If anyone has any more advise, please feel free. Thank you slaughter17 and rheanna for responding.

GatsbyLuvr1920 · 09-12-2005, 01:49 AM

If he's had seizures, this could be temporal lobe epilepsy, which can cause random, violent outbursts like those in ODD and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. It's been found that ADHD and bipolar disorder could be linked to overactivity in the temporal lobe in the forms of minor seizures. You might want to consider having him tested for this, or just simply do some research on it. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask. God bless!

-GatsbyLuvr1920-