Anybody Up?

[sk777]

I keep starting this thread and then not posting it. Now it's 3:30 am and at 2 I was so tired I thought I might sleep but then have spend the last 1.5 hours lying in bed ruminating, my eyes feel like they have sand in them, but I can't sleep.

I went to my first NA meeting tonight. While it was a far more welcoming experience than my one shot an alanon oh so many years ago, I came home and looked at online pharmacy sites. I didn't buy anything, but I really wanted to. 5-day migraine, sleeplessness, panic, nothing has gotten me that close so far. I have known all along that if I had access, it would have all been over by now, that the thought of ordering something and then having to wait for a few days has kept me from ordering something. But tonight, the spectre of having to go on without outweighed the wait. I would just lie. Nobody would know. I wouldn't get hooked this time. I know this is BS, I will get hooked and I don't care. I can't do this.

I have trust issues. This is not news to me. I'm think I know why but knowing why alone hasn't helped. I trust all of you, because it's an easy trust. Not the harder trust of faces. I know not everyone here is group oriented or 12-step oriented, but a lot of you are. And I'm being pushed in that direction by the one non e-person I trust during this (that one person is not myself). But I couldn't bring myself to trust anyone in that room. I know I have to deal with the trust thing, and I am, very intensively. I just don't know if I can conquer that in a group at the same time as this new sobriety, this new non-sedated, fully anxious and social phobic state. And it's not about having to talk and share in front of a group. I do a lot of public speaking. It's the one-on-one stuff. The trust part. Some guy randomly asked me for my phone # and while I'm totally convinced it was not for the "right" reason, I couldn't say no, gave it anyway (my actual phone #, not a fake #, because I'm stupid and a really lousy liar, unless, apparently it has to do w/ why I'm cancelling my family Tgiving plans) and then wanted to run screaming from the room because I now have a stalker (and am world's biggest trauma queen).

Oh, and I'm already on meds. Apparently those aren't enough for crazy.

Anyway, maybe I can sleep now. I've confessed. I'm the only person on earth for whom a 12-step meeting nearly resulted in falling off the wagon. I highly doubt that because if I've learned anything so far it's that I'm totally un-unique.

Karen

[BeginAgain]

I'm up and wide awake. Politely tell the guy when he calls that it was your first meeting and you're not interested in pursuing anything further. Next time a guy asks you for your number at an NA meeting just say I don't think so and walk away. Trust me from experience there are plenty of "13th steppers" at meetings or people still looking for a way to fill up the hole. Not everyone is there for the right reason and there's no way you could tell on the first visist. It takes time to identify and meet the ones who have what you might want for yourself - those are the ones you want to associate with. Like anything in life there is good and bad.

I'm sorry that you didn't feel like you got alot out of the first meeting. Not many people do. Keep going back - or try a different group next time. I can tell you from experience I share very general what's going on with me information at meetings - the hard stuff is left for one on one discussions with my sponsor or a trusted friend. Nobody expects you to walk in the door at your first meeting and bear your soul - it doesn't happen that way. Trust is a huge issue for all of us in early recovery. Why would you trust anyone else when you don't even trust yourself yet. It takes some time to build trust. The idea at first is just listening and opening you mind to some of the suggestions and ideas you hear there. Slowly over time the rest comes - I hope you'll consider going back or finding another meeting. Maybe a womens meeting?

I'm up if you want to talk some more. Don't give up and don't listen to the addict inside that's try to beat you. You have come so far and you can do this. One baby step at a time.

[sk777]

Thank you Janet. I kept thinking I was just being paranoid, not trusting enough, and maybe I am, but it was a little strange. Particularly since he seemed to be impatient to leave. 13th step! That's funny. And the speaker was speaking in really explicit terms about a sexual experience he'd had recently that he felt guilty about (I mean really explicit, and there were kids in the room. I could a see a few women looking shocked, but then there were a lot who weren't). I just felt, am I not accepting enough? Too naive? A prude? Not ready?

I was thinking about a women's meeting, I think I heard someone mention one a week that's a bit of a drive, there aren't a whole lot of meetings around here, I could try AA also. I know I should try again. It seemed to push all my terror alert buttons.

Thank you again. 5:40 am. Maybe I can sleep...

Karen

[Twang51]

I have been trying to find a NA group to meet with. What are they like? I picture people introducing themselves then talking about their problem and the success and failures they have had. I agree it certainly should not be a place where individuals go and are preyed upon by others.

I too am up Karen if you need to vent.

[sk777]

From what I understand it depends on the meeting format. I deliberately picked one with a speaker so that would be an intro w/ no strings attached. There was a period of open sharing after, some meeting business. The alanon mtg I went to a long time ago was a circle and no speaker, this was all chairs facing front. They had all the new people say their names but that was all I was asked to do. Announcements about events and other meetings. I see that there are study meetings, I'm sure someone can explain that.

I started on the NA website meeting search but make sure to call the hotline (phone book or google) to double check the location, time, etc. Also, the NA site seems to be missing some meetings and isn't totally up to date on the times, etc, but it does tell you the meeting format and gives you an idea of what's around before calling the hotline.

There's a lot of nice downloadable literature on the NA site for newcomers. I found that very helpful, I always like to know what to expect.

Anyway, past 6 am, have got to sleep. Have to go to work today for first time since Monday.