Dementia?

[fourt9rkim]

Hi, new member here. I'm a 46 year old female, living with my 84 year old mother, and 73 year old father. Dad is fine...sans congestive heart failure, and diabetes. It's my mother that is my concern.

She is growing increasingly combative verbally, is CONSTANTLY paranoid about one of us stealing from her (ranging from her facial creams - which this has gone on for several years; to stealing her money). She recently started having the notion that she recently came to our home with a 'big tray of money'; money that is actually my money that I pay for rent living here! This started back in early October. At that time, my older brother began moving to Washington State. We are in Central California. My mother also started seeing a cardiologist at that same time in early October. She has been having chest pains frequently for the past year, and has lived on nitroglycerin like it was candy. Yet she refused to physically go in to her doctor.

Finally, her dr. sent her to the cardiologist in Oct., and he began her on Coreg, Lacex, and Diovan for heart failure. Very shortly after she began taking the pills, she started becoming more and more paranoid, and woke me up one night to come sit with her in the front room to 'wait for the mailman...he's bringing me a package.'

She now truly believes that she has only been here for 2 or 3 weeks, and that she was living up in Washington State with her mother - who has been deceased since 1984. She thinks she came with the money I've paid her.

She's becoming increasingly abusive verbally, and extremely distrusting. I will be calling her cardiologist this week to ask if dementia-like symptoms can be a side effect of her medication, or if this could truly be dementia or AD.

She hides her nitro pills, because she believes that dad is trying to kill her. She looks at me now like I'm some sort of monster. I want my mother back!

In looking back, I do believe that dementia has been creeping in for awhile now. She would ask me at least ten times in 5 minutes what day it is, and has become increasingly suspicious of us....to the point that I have cancelled at least 3 weeks' worth of vacation time this year, just because I didn't want to be around the house for a week....and I'm seriously thinking of cancelling some of my days over the Christmas/New Years holiday.

She complains about never getting out of the house, yet declines when we ask her if she wants to go somewhere. Then complains about it more later!

I'm getting to my own breaking point. Dad is definitely to his breaking point.... how many times can one person be called a ******* in one day and not let it affect them???

Thanks for letting me rant.....this is taking such an emotional toll on my mental, and physical well-being.

[janeslk]

Your problems with your mother sound remarkably the same as those experienced by a friend of mine with her mother. My friend, who is a nurse, was verbally abused by her mother and accused of taking her money. Her mother called 911, threatening to kill herself with some old guns and the police ended up coming to the house to disarm her. When the mother was moved into a nursing home they were able to sort through all of her medications (she also had heart problems) and she was placed on an anti-depressant. My friend says her mother became more normal and even apologized for her previous behavior, including all the venomous recriminations that were hurled at my friend while she was moving her mother's things out of her house.

Jane

[fourt9rkim]

Thank goodness we don't have any weapons in the house! I just can't believe that this is the same mother who would hug me at any given moment, and was always concerned about my well-being. Now, all I hear is her yelling, and hurling insults at dad most of the time, and me when she feels that I'm taking his side, and not sympathetic to her side.

I will be calling both her regular doctor, and cardiologist to discuss her recent symptoms to see if it's possibly medication induced. Thanks for the response, Jane.

[BarbaraH]

Hi Jane,

Welcome! So sorry you have this to deal with! Been there, seen it, cried buckets, and somehow survived.

That sounds just like my widowed little mother, too. She was 83 when things started to slide and 85 when I moved her into an assisted living facility, and 88 when she died last year. She was at times combative and very child-like (a very grumpy child), especially when she was made to do something she didn't want to do. Mom was angry and sad at leaving her home, but it was for her safety and nutrition. I took away the car, too, for the safety of others. You can read more of her story in earlier posts here.

Mom benefitted greatly from an antidepressant and a sleeping pill - with AD, I think it's unimportant if any addiction occurs, AD is terminal. I say, if some medication works and doesn't cause other harm, use it!! My mother had a DNR order (do not resustitate) and a living will, so my decisions on her behalf were made with those documents and her preferences in mind.

Your mother needs to be assessed, some kind of help, and maybe to live in an AD unit. Once my mother forgot her anger, she enjoyed being free of responsibility for cooking, cleaning, and bills. It was as if she could relax after trying so hard to keep her brain functioning right - and losing that battle completely.

Do not delay in alerting your mother's doctors about her behavior. You and your father cannot continue like this. The frequent berating and worry will take a huge toll on both your father and you. You need a break! Once the doctors have been notified, look into the assisted living facilities and nursing homes in your area that have AD patients. Many offer "respite care" and house the patient for up to a month (some less) just so the caregivers can have a sanity break.

You can look up each medicine by name and side effects on-line today if you're curious and have the time.

Make sure all legal ducks are in a row. Your mother's Durable Power of Attorney is probably just in your father's hands, but make sure you're listed too in case something happens to your father. Also make sure you have your father's DPOA in case he becomes debilitated and needs you to make decisions for him. A lawyer must handle DPOAs. An eldercare lawyer could be particularly helpful in making sure all is taken care of.

Come back whenever you need to!

Wishing you well - Barbara

[Martha H]

Dear Jane,

I too welcome you to this Board and wish you all the best. I too was a full time caregiver for my Mom who has AD also.

She is now in a nursing home and everyone is happier. There comes a point where a person needs round the clock care to prevent accidents, wandering off, hurting themselves or others.

Sadly, accusations and paranoia are only too normal for AD. My brother's MIL used to put her social security checks under various rugs in the house. Then she called up my sister in law to complain that the downstairs tenant had been in her house and stolen her check and cash. It wan't until years later when they moved her out, that lots of money and checks were discovered under the carpeting.

She also cursed and swore at both her daughter and her son in law. While living with them, she often ordered him out out "her' house. It was a nightmare. Finally she forgot how to use the toilet, her preferred place for defecation was in the garage - whether or not the door was open. That's when a nursing home became necessary for everyone's sanity. Once she was picked up by the police in her nightgown. When asked where she was going, she said I am walking to my son's house in Florida. (from New York City!)

My brother and SIL took care of her Mom for around 13 years. Then, one year after her death, they took over my Mom's care when I was unable to continue. She's in a NH home now and doing fine.

In your Mom's case it seems that an Alzheimer Unit of a nursing home would be the best solution - but maybe tests will show that all the symptoms are being caused by some drug or other disease, and therefore treatable. I wish that for all of you!

Love,

Martha