PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

[LVNMYLIFE]

Hi!

My story is this, I am a 33 Mom, I run Marathons, just did one 1/8/06 and am training now for another, I have 3 gorgeous girls ages 7, 2 & 10 months. It started during the pregnancy with my 2 year old, migraines really bad and the RA (rhematoid arthritis) cause by psoriasis. Dr. put me on hydrocodone 10/325 fine, took as directed, then when she was 9 months got pregnant again (still on hydro) Dr. took me off, migraines came back, Dr. put me on again, took them throughout my last pregnancy (4 a day) I have now not been able to stop, I was taking up to 20 a day, realized I couldn't keep that up, it was stupid and I was utilizing online pharmacies (multiple to support my habit) got myself down to 10 a day and now I am weaning down to 6 a day (this is day 4 of only taking 6) NO ONE knows and no one can know, my mom has been an addict for my entire life and I swore never to be like her, guess what, I am. My husband and I are perfect together but ever since these damn pills have been in my life we have fought. My whole life revolves around these damn pills and I want to SCREAM so loud. I finally decided today, I HAVE to quit (at first I was tapering just to last through the next refill). I tried cold turkey and I can't do it, thus I am trying this taper thing, I am hoping since I can talk to NO ONE else that you will all help me through this, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I want to be "me" again, happy, energetic, even tempered, fun me!!!! so what I am asking is please give me advice, please give me encouragement, please be the friends I need right now, I am done... I want to be done... I have no idea how to taper I am just trying to go as long as I can not exceeding 6 to get through the day. Please tell me I can do this, please someone tell me you have done this, I need advice in regards to what I can do to help with the withdrawals because I have 3 girls I have to take care of everyday so I HAVE TO FUNCTION... I have been a viewer of these boards for sometime and now it is time to utilize all of you and your knowledge to get me clean FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

For clarification I have been taking hydrocodone 10/325 for 2.5 years (as much as 20 a day, as few as 4, currently at 6.

Thanking you in advance....
Nicole

I WANT HELP!!!

[happyelf]

Hi Nicole; Call me your personal cheerleader. You are not alone, and you CAN do this!! You're very courageous, and knowing you have a problem is the first step. Asking for support is the second. Many people here have great insight and have been there so I'm sure you'll get a lot of support from others too. Even when you feel like throwing in the towel and taking more pills--look at your girls, and come to the boards--we're here to help.
Please keep up with the tapering-try not to fall back to 20 a day. Acet nasty stuff too-it can shut down your liver, which shuts down your kidneys, and then your brain swells. It's not a pretty sight, and I know you don't want those beautiful girls to see you that way. Your liver is an amazing organ that can regenerate itself totally and if you're already tapering you're fine. (last yr my liver failed in part due to the acet meds I took and it totally regenerated itself and it is fine now.) If you can't afford the down time going cold turkey involves, taper is not a bad way to go. (w/3 kids I doubt you can afford to feel like crap for 5 days!) Stock up on Immodium for the diahrrea, and if you have anything for nausea, use it. The sweats are not fun--it'll take a few days for your body temp to be able to regulate itself again, but until then, t-shirts, sweats and warm baths or showers work wonders. Stay away from sugars and carbs which you probably already do if you're a marathon runner...
Most of all--Hang in there and stay strong!! You CAN do this!!I'm on quite a bit-as are most of the other posters here if you need anyone!!

Gina

Anyone else with ideas, please share w/ Nicole.

[barbaric_yawp]

Hi,
Good start here, you have not only expressed to us your desire to quit, you have written a short essay to yourself on why you should. Read this again and highlight all of the reasons for quitting. Write more down reasons down and look over them daily—esp at the time you are tempted to take more than you need.

Keep on the tapering program, cut your online access, so you don’t have that temptation. Once you taper, don’t ever look back. Take what you need to take now, but make up your mind that when you arrive at the day you can only take one (as per your plan)—ONLY take the ONE. Then from that last day on, just take each day, one at a time!

When you run a marathon and you are hurting, it does no good to run backwards to erase the pain…that is what you would be doing if you decide that upping your dose is best. Slipping is ok, but if you can, keep your plan and a goal in mind and work toward it!

You CAN do it….I have read allot of people’s stories on these boards, and you have a great history of challenging yourself and moving on. You have allot of determination, anyone who can run a marathon and put herself through that type of pain can, for sure, without a doubt, get over this. Btw: I have to stop writing bc my husband just came in and he does not know I had been addicted. The good news is that it has been over a month since I took my last pill-- So I’m ok and you will be ok

B.Y.
What does not kill shall only serve to make you stronger...

[gina042]

Hi Nicole: I am right here with you 60mg/day percocet, as of yesterday, and today is my day that I picked to stop completely! I have a 7 and 15 yr. old sons, but my husband is here to help me with them in case I have any withdrawl problems. (which so far I don't really). My husband and I planned to take a week to focus on this!

You are really doing great with the tapering, I did try that, for I was afraid of the withdrawals, but I wasn't disciplined enough to keep tapering. So here I go cold turkey. So be proud of what you are doing and keep it up! I really do think you ARE disciplined enough since you are this far!!!

Keep posting!

~Gina~ (I didn't know there was another Gina on here)

B.Y. - why haven't you been posting on my posts, are you mad at me or something? You are so strong for making it this long and your husband didn't even have to know! How did you do it? Thinking of you.

[toughtime]

Hi Nicole,

You are in the right place, and you remind me of myself. I'm a mom too, a single mom of a 5 year old. I started on 4 a day (norcos- hydro. 10mg- but I'm sure u know that!) Started with the 4 a day legit doctor script and knew I had a problem 2, 2 1/2 years ago, b/c I needed to take SOME every day. I reached out for help on this board, but I was going through a horrible divorce that got worse before it got better. Anyway, slippery slope away and I was taking 20 on average, but sometimes 30 pills a day, every day. I had 2 real docs and 4-5 online pharmacies! I even got laid off last fall, haven't been able to find a job, and still managed to get my pills. Had to have them.

Well, last week I decided I had enough. I quit cold turkey from probably 25 a day, and over a year when I hadn't even skipped a day. The withdrawals were really bad for about 3 days, then each day got better. Well, day 4 I slipped and took 2 pills. Day 5- clean, Day 6- screwed up, took 3. Well, I'm on my second full day clean again, but gosh, taking 5 pills in 9 days, for me? i'm proud. I feel WAY WAY better than I imagined I could. I thought I needed the pills for everything, to do laundry, to cook, to clean, to talk on the phone, to play with my daughter, to wake up, sheez. What a nightmare my life was.

Is there anyone you can get to help with your daughters, just for a few days? If not, then taper, do a search here on tapering plans, there are some good ones. I never had the will power myself. I'd put my taper plan in a pill a day pack and do ok at first then start opening all the lids and take them all at once. I'm reading in a book right now that it's best for drug addicts to stop cold turkey, b/c tapering gives them the illusion of control, and once they are in addiction, they are NOT in control anymore, the drug is controling them. My book says that tapering is a big mind game with yourself. I understand about feeling like you have to function, but what if you got the flu? Are you married? I think I remember your writing that no one knows. Withdrawal mimics the flu, and the flu is a great cover. And it is flu season.

If you want to just get this over with, once and for all, stop taking them and tell your loved ones you have the flu, deal with it. And don't beat yourself up for being like your mom, addictions I think run in the family. There's a gene or something. Don't beat yourself up. There are a lot of very good people, very loving moms and dads that just get addicted. No one plans on it. I was making 6 figures last year, I'm attractive enough, seemed to be supermom on the outside. NO ONE knew about my little secret, until my mom- who was watching my daughter while I worked- started getting the weekly drug packages from my online sources. Sometimes I had to leave her money orders for them. She isn't dumb. She went through my brother's addiction to pain pills and has been there for me. I feel so sorry for her b/c she feels like she failed us to have 2 kids, college educated and everything, that are pain pill addicts. Oh well.

I'll be your friend, and your cheerleader, as will a lot of wonderful people on this board. I'm not in NA yet, but the old saying is that admitting you have a problem is the first step to getting better, so you are on your way to recovery!

Debbie