Not sure what to do

[beckyf]

Hi everyone. I have been coming to healthboards for a long time just reading posts. I know need some advice on how to start coming off of a 125mg oxycodone consumption for the last 4 years. I was an RN who loved my job more that anything in the world. I had a surgery 4 years ago that was a medical malpractice case because of such a botched surgery, I have been to over 50 expert doctors for 2nd opinions but none so far have been help. They tell my husband and I at every appointment that most likely I will need pain meds, sleeping pills, muscle relaxers etc for the rest of my like,

We'll believe it or not now that the lawsuits is over( I got a big settlement because the damage was so severe) That I do believe my pain is a little less and I want to try to get off these and see if the natural edorphins to stop pain can be resurected. I was on a 100mcg Duragesic patch along with the oxycdone, etc and it took me about 6 months to withdrawl of them. Even now if I go to bed around 10pm, taken my ambien and elavil and ice packs, I wake up about 4-5 hours later feeling withdrawl symptoms. I get up and just take 2 5mg oxy's and in about a half an hour can sleep for a little longer. My doctor gave me cloninde to take at night to see if that would help the withdrawl at night and I think it does help some.

I became so depressed through my whole surgery situation and even though I had some closure through the lawsuit and knowing this doctor lost his license(he had over 50 med mal lawsuits against him) I am worried what stopping the pain medication that I have taken for so long will play havoc on my life. I do have a lot of pain yet but it isn't as bad as it was. The other thing is I think I have built up such a tolerance to them that I'm not sure they work that well anymore anyway. My doctor wanted me to go to Dilaudid or demerol but I just don't want to go that route. I want to stop everything and see if I can function on Nsaids or just the Zanaflex. I know I will have to take a sleeper because I wear a big brace at night and sleep in a special recliner. I don't think I would sleep a wink without taken something.

I have a new kind of brace that helps with the lymphadema in arm so I think by keeping that swelling down the pain is less. The one big reason I want off is even though I am on disability one of my doctor friends asked me work at his office a couple of hours a day a couple of times a weeks. Wow, the chance to work as a nurse again is the best medicene I could get. I am so excited. I am just going to learn billing and coding and while I have missed so bad working as a OB nurse/Trauma nurse at least this is a part of nursing I am willing to do just to work again.

It was always so lonely at my house because my husband after working all time, talking to people or selling, that when he came home he wanted to just relax with some quiet time, but I on the other hand was so starved for an adult conversation that I was becoming self-confessed pity b....h.

My oldest daughter moved back to our home town and bought a dental practice. She has a 16 month little girl that I am totally in love with. I never imagined being a grandma would be so much fun. Plus, my other daughter is having a baby (boy-first one in the family for a long time) so my life right now is getting better and better. I think I had my pity party long enough.

So now leds up to the big problem. I know after being on the oxy's as long as I have that I am going to go through hell to get off them. I know I am physically addicted because trying to go 6 hours a night without taking them I start having withdrawl symptoms that make me sick. Whether I am mentally addicted to them I am not sure. I had so many doctor's tell me that in order to function in a somewhat normal like that I would have to take them for a long time. Being the nurse I am, I fought that pretty hard and it took a lot of counseling to make me accept that. My last MRI showed my RTC and deltoid just dead and shredded. If they didn't know my history on what happened they said they would have thought cancer ate up the whole thing.

Anyway, I am pretty sure that the mental addiction is there to because I get very nervous if my doctor is out of town, my god what would I do. That has never happened but I worry about it anyway. However, I do believe I am to the point that I can stop them. I am tired of being tired all the time. It seems like I lose pieces of my life while taking them. Plus, of course I worry about ODing on them. I couldn't stand it if I lost myself and my family over these little pills.

What I need help is how do I start the process. With my daughter having her baby in 3 weeks I don't think I can do cold turkey and not be able to be there for her. My schedule goes like this: Oxycodone 5mg tablets every am about 6 and then I take the same every 4 hours for a total of 25 pills a day. That would be 125 mg a day. I talked to my doctor and he suggested going on the Duragesic patch at a low dose of 25mcg a day and stopping the oxy's. He said that would keep the withdrawls down from the oxy's and then I could slowly taper down to 12.5mcg and then stop them completely. The only problem I have with that is I thought the withdrawl's from the patch were horrible. I am afraid to do that because of how hard it was to get off of it 6 months ago.

I suppose withdrawl is withdrawl so it would probably be bad either way. I admire everyone on this board and know I can count on the wonderful support you all share. So many have said if it wasn't for the support of the board they never could have gotten off. The one thing I want to say is I never get a high feeling from these pills. I just get pain relief. I started out taking 2-4 pills 4 times a day and that quit working so good so he moved me up to the 5 pills 5 times a day. The other day I thought i will just go back to 4 pills 4 times a day and see what happened. I didn't have anymore pain by cutting down but my body sure wasn't liking it.

I am sorry this is so long but it feels good to get it off my chest. I just can't believe it has happened to me and to be honest I am scared to death. I have a wonderful supporting husband and family so I know they will help me anyway they can. So will all my doctors although I get all my meds from just one. I know some of them will think I'm stupid for wanting to quit them since I finally got the pain relief to function. However, I know the pain isn't as bad as it was and really want to get off them to see what happens. I am tired of being tired. Tired of the constipation that comes along with narcotics. I am tired of feeling so shaky and awful when I go 5 hours without taking them. I guess I could rather have pain than to be so married to these little white pills that seem to run my life.

OK. My sob story is over. Please, please help me or guide me in the right direction. Anyone going through this same thing??? I have so much in life to be thankful for. I need help in deciding how to go about the whole process. Here I am a nurse who has taken care of many with detox but when it comes to myself I am lost. Anyway, your guys are all so wonderful and supporting and I will take your advice to heart. Thanks for reading such a long post.

[mpvt]

Have you looked into buprenorphene???The doctors are having great success with this drug also known as suboxone or subutex.....Dave

[beckyf]

xDave Thanks for the reply. I thought maybe my message sounded so weird and desperate that no one would reply. Being a nurse, I know about suboxone and methadone. One of the problems with that is I live in a small town and would have to drive about 130 miles to a pain doctor that prescribes these. I can't drive alone out of town as my shoulder is very unstable and can dislocate easily hitting a bump in the road or just going over the railroad tracks. Therefore, my husband would have to drive me down there and with him working full time that really doesn't work. The other thing I foresee with these drugs is it would just be another withdrawl battle that I must face. I just want to be a nurse again and to do that I need to be able to function fully and be alert. I didn't go back to school to get my RN degree until my youngest daughter was in 1st grade so I was 35 by the time I started. I drove to school 130 miles away everyday at 4am to get the degree I had dreamed about for so long. I actually graduated from nursing school a week before my oldest daughter graduated from high school. I did it for four years and I only got to be a nurse for 8 short years before a slip of the knife took it all away. Even when all my doctors said you will never nurse again I refused to give up my dream.

My sad depressed life took a turn for the better when this wonderful doctor asked me to work in his clinic even to just do coding. Even when I went home after working for a couple of hours the pain was severe but my heart and life was back. My family said for the first time in 4 years the finally saw their mom again. Nurses who take narcotics isn't a very good example. Every time I get my nurse news letter there are pages and pages of nurses who lost their licenses due to taking narcotics. These nurses become desparate and will take these drugs from anywhere they can get them, even if it is from patients that need them after a surgery. It is a sad and scarey situation. So see, I just want to go be a nurse again and even with my disability, I have an angel who is giving me that chance.

Therefore, I need and want to get off these oxy's so I can function with a clear mind and not feel like I want to sleep my day away. It's been four long years since this happened to me and for the first time I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to hurt. I have no doubt about that but at least I will be able to take my mind off of it instead of letting it eat me up. I have been hurt and angry for a long time. I guess when we finally had the settlement for the lawsuit and this doctor was put out of practice I finally feel like I can forgive him. It's a very, very slow process but I can feel it leaving me and I think because of that I can concentrate more on a new thing in my life instead of focusing on the pain day in and day out.

Hate is like the worst thing to own up to and I just don't want to hate anymore. I hated when I couldn't even give my first grandbaby a bottle, or carry her around. I hated when I couldn't even dance at my daughter's wedding. I am just tired of hating and want my life back.

So I am going to get off the oxycodone. I am just not sure how. Even my doctor makes it sound like it is so simple to do. I know from reading the messages on this board that it is not easy. It's one of the hardest things a person will ever do. I think what I need to do is quit one or two pills a day. For a week take 23 pills a day instead of 25, the next week 21, and on. I am too afraid to stop cold turkey because I want to be able to function when my daughter has her baby. I know this will take me 2-3 months to do it but I just don't know of anyother way to do it.

I know it will be hard but I just feel it is time. If I try and can't take the pain I will go to plan b. I don't know what plan b will be but will have some time to think about it. My pain doctor wanted to implant a pump into my shoulder a couple of months ago and was excited about that. However, my ortho doctors said it wouldn't make a bit of difference and would in fact cause more pain. It was to be like a e-stim pump but when they hooked me up to an external pump to see what would happen, it set my shoulder and arm in too horrible spasms. I had to have big doses of valuim to get them to stop so that is why they were so against it.

Boy, isn't it funny that as a nurse I could take care of my patients and did a good job and I'm having a problem taking care of myself. I tell my friends to be happy with what they have because you never know when your whole world can change.

OK, enough said. If anyone has done a oxy taper or just quit cold turkey please let me know how you did it. I so want to be off them and actually be able to watch a movie with my husband and not fall asleep. It's already been tough enough on my husband that I can no longer sleep in the same bed with him. He goes to his bed and I go to my recliner. We tried put the recliner in the same bedroom but my husband said I moaned and groaned so bad that he couldn't get any sleep.

I want to do this for myself and my family. I want to wake up someday and just smell the roses.....

[beckyf]

I guess their many posters on during the weekend. Hopefully, someone will have some advice for me after the weekend is over. Sorry so impatient! It's just something I want to get started on and need some help.

[beckyf]

I guess their aren't many posters on during the weekend. Hopefully, someone will have some advice for me after the weekend is over. Sorry so impatient! It's just something I want to get started on and need some help.