Life after opiates: 8 months later

[Largeman]

I very much doubt there is anyone left on the board back from July, but if you were then perhaps you will remember me. To those who don't, let me give a quick recap: I spent 2 1/2 years addicted to morphine (about 100mg a day) that was prescribed by my doctor to treat various ailments (mostly back related).

4th of July weekend (July 2nd) I decided to begin my independence from drugs and reclaim my life. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and remains the thing I am most proud of. I remember the fears that I had back then -- the fears that almost kept me from reclaiming my life. I was absolutely sure I wouldn't be able to handle the withdrawal. It terrified me. I also remember when I was lurking and I would read about the cravings people felt even after the withdrawal faded and the emotional struggle they endured. I knew I was too weak to handle that.

The day I quit I was sure it was temporary because those pills had such a grip on me. I remember counting my pills to make sure I had enough - and I remember doing this several times a day. I remember reaching for that little bottle every morning before I even had my eyes open. I remember telling myself that I wasn't really addicted because my pills came from a doctor and I had a legit medical problem (even though I knew I was lying to myself and that I did take them for emotional pain too). I remember feeling that my life would always be tied to those pills and that I wouldn't be able to escape. I was desperate and depressed and even though I was still too drugged to realize how much of myself I had shut off by using - I knew I was in trouble.

So I quit. July 2nd; the day that changed everything. That morning I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and instead of taking my dose of 12-hour morphine I looked at myself and I cried. I cried because I was scared - of what I had done and what I was about to do. This would be one of several times during the first few days that I would do this. I quit cold turkey, without attending any kind of counseling or program, without tappering, without any other prescriptions of any kind -- not because I am a hardcore tough guy (trust me, I'm not). Quite the opposite, I did it that way because I was scared to reach out and tell anyone.

Week one was pure hell. The only place I had to turn was this message board and the only people who kept me going were it's members. Reading about what other people in my position were doing really helped. The encouragement and support I got was tremendous. Being able to ask questions about my withdrawal symptoms and being inspired by others taking the same journey as I was really made those sleepless days and nights much easier.

Little things started coming back to me during this time; like music. Listening to and being moved by music was something I didn't even realize I lost while I was on drugs. I was like a deaf man hearing for the first time. Little things like taking a drive a night or walking along the beach all of a sudden felt amazing. It was sort of like coming back from the dead -- and it in many ways that is was I was doing. Withdrawal sucked, but for every bad symptom there seemed to be three new good things reawakening in me.

One of the things that surprised me was the length of time it took to get past the withdrawal - mine was severe. I had insomnia and restless legs for a long time. Even in October I was still battling those two lingering symptoms periodically. I won't lie, that really sucked, but it was hard to be too upset when suddenly I had my life back. I was going out with friends again, I had a social life after spending too long locked away from everyone. Oh and the pain that I had that prompted my start on morphine? It really wasn't as bad as I remembered. Today I am able to manage it with FOUR ADVIL! That's it. I cannot believe how much fear had held me back. It turns out that when you take opiates for a long time your body lessens or stops it's production of it's natural painkillers - which is why even after taking the morphine I still hurt and seemed to be getting worse. I'm healthier today than I've been in five years.

Mentally I never struggled or had any cravings. NONE. EVER. I have no idea why this is. Maybe I just got lucky, but once I quit that was it for me. Today I'm not even sure why I even liked them to begin with because I ALWAYS feel happy. I can't imagine a better feeling that having my life back. Simply put; those pills don't have to chase you forever. Over the course of the past 8 months I've had a handful of dreams where I had accidentally taken a pill and the freaked out. I would wake up each time so relieved and grateful that that part of my life was over.

I'm glad I quit cold turkey and -looking back- I'm grateful for the suffering I endured during withdrawal because I know I never want to go back to that again. It serves as a reminder of what I allowed myself to become and what I will never be again.

If you are reading this and thinking of quiting or just starting out let me just tell you that you really can do it. I did it at the worst possible time in my life. I had a million things going on but I knew I had to put all that on the shelf and tackle this beast before I lost my nerve. I am not a strong person nor am I brave - my fear is what motivated me to quit and stay quit. Use that fear to your advantage because I assure you it gets better. You don't need pills to cope, you think you do, but you don't. And once you are free of them you won't even remember why you turned to them in the first place. I've been where you are right now and I know how scary it is. You are not alone -- many of us have been where you are and there really are some success stories out there and you can be one of them.

So why did I drop back in after so long? Because I'm in excruiating pain today. I have an impacted wisdom tooth that is positively killing me. I am on 23 hours of the worst pain I've had since withdrawal and I cannot see my dentist until Monday morning. When I was offered a prescription of vicodin to tide me over until Monday I didn't even hesitate to say "HELL NO". Maybe I could have taken it to ease the pain and been fine, but I am not willing to play games and risk it. I remember how it feels to be in the beginning of withdrawal and I never want to put myself in a position to relive that again. I can handle a tooth ache, I can't handle losing myself again. As I reflected over the past 8 months I remembered my time here and I wanted to say thank you to those who helped me get to where I am today and to offer encouragement to those who are where I used to be.

Good luck exploring the infinite abyss,

-Large

[Blasterboy]

wow large, that is an awesome story and I know that some new members are going to find inspireation from it, I certainly did! I bet Jenna wil, I know she's going CT right now from a similar place that you've been from.

Thankyou so much for your brave story. Are you enjoying life now and do you have any sort of recovery program like NA or Church etc? How have you managed life's issues and the emotional pains without the pills that you used to use?

[Largeman]

Originally Posted by Blasterboy

wow large, that is an awesome story and I know that some new members are going to find inspireation from it, I certainly did! I bet Jenna wil, I know she's going CT right now from a similar place that you've been from.

Thankyou so much for your brave story. Are you enjoying life now and do you have any sort of recovery program like NA or Church etc? How have you managed life's issues and the emotional pains without the pills that you used to use?

Thanks man! I'm absolutely enjoying life now, mostly because I feel like I'm part of it again. In the very early days of my pill addiction those little pills made me feel like I could do anything but by the end I wasn't doing anything. They didn't help with pain anymore and I they didn't make me feel better emotionally - I was always in pain and always depressed. I lived in constant fear that either my pills would go away or I would be found out and my career would be ruined. I wouldn't say my story is one of bravery, but rather one of luck. I dodged a big bullet because craving never happened for me.

I'm happier now than at any other point in my life and the people around me who watched me slowly disappear during my addiction are thrilled to see that I've re-emerged a different person. I practically became a recluse on those pills. I never wanted to go out. I wanted to be alone, in the dark, tv on, in front of the computer, with my pills at my side. When I'm happy now it's because I'm genuinely happy, not just self-medicating myself in to denial or blocking everything out.

As far as any program, no I haven't been involved in any. Same with churches and temples (I'm an atheist). This was done cold turkey and without a support system beyond this website. I definitely do NOT recommend doing it this way but it was the only choice I felt I had at the time. I don't know that if I hadn't gone through cold turkey that I would be clean today. I am one of those people that NEEDED to experience that hell fully in order to be sure to never let myself return. I know if someone is going through it right now you probably want to punch me in the kidneys ("grateful for withdrawal??!!!" *PUNCH*) but it really is the thing that saved my life.

Today life's issues all seem small compared to what my addiction did to me. I really can't imagine anything worse than the addiction and subsequent withdrawal. Just reflecting back on that time has helped immensely. I still have everyday stresses and things like that but I seek out trusted friends now and use releases like working out or kayaking or writing to work through them. Because my physical pain (which was my primary reason for starting pills) is practically nonexistent today I try to get out more, get to the beach more, and just enjoy all the other ridiculous things L.A. has to offer. Just having gone through all of this has really changed my outlook on life and I appreciate what I have far more than I ever did before.

As I sit here practically drooling from the tooth pain though I feel good because my resolve hasn't waivered an inch - I will not take a narcotic again. Period.

My heart goes out to those who are going through this right now - especially those of you who are suffering the added stress of money problems, taking care of the kids, trying to keep your job, spouse trust issues, guilt, and that dreaded lonliness that comes when you can't stop fidgeting and can't get any sleep. Whether this is your first time quitting or your 100th - stay strong, there are a lot of people pulling for you.

Oh, and Jenna, congrats and good luck. I had insomnia before I ever started withdrawal too and I actually think it helped prepare me since I was used to staying up all night anyway. Look at it this way, now you have a chance to catch up on all the movies you didn't see this year. I remember having all those questions and being terrified when I found out that after day two things actually could get worse. My withdrawal was probably abnormally long, but you can get through it. The days do begin to move faster and pretty soon the worst of it is in your rearview. Welcome to the rest of your life

-Large

[funnymermaid]

Wow! What an inspiration you are! Thanks!

[Largeman]

Originally Posted by funnymermaid

Wow! What an inspiration you are! Thanks!

Ha! I think you have that backwards - you were doing dishes on day 9 and on my day 9, if you go back and look at the old posts, I was probably laying on my couch whining and watching 90210 reruns.

Household chores on day 9? Now that's inspirational. Heck, I'm going on 9 months off the pills and I STILL haven't done any dishes!

-Large