somE onE tEll mE

can_u_help_me · 10-17-2002, 07:42 PM

can someone please tell me how to deal with a mother who is bipolar. i live with my father now and hes never raised a kid so im left on my own on raising myself. im only 16 and have raised my lil brother who is now with his father, and i feel like im 35. what can i do?i feel like ive never had a childhood and ive turned to drugs for a way out.... help me...

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u never knew me, so u'll never forget me...

kayciemc · 10-17-2002, 09:54 PM

Wow,

Lets see where to start, I'm 24, raised myself as well. Mom was an active alcoholic and pop was never there. My grandparents lived upstairs and grandpa was the bipolar person in the house. I can definately understand where you are coming from. HOWEVER, drugs will not give you the answer, nor will it make you be a kid again. If anything it makes things worse. I definately believe that you should seek some kind of counseling and try to talk to your father.

Where is your mom at this point in time? And is she on any meds? Bipolar disorder is very hard to deal with, especially when the ups are really high and the downs are incredibly low. What I suggest is that you accept the fact that your mom is sick and she definately requires patience and compassion. She may say things that she doesn't mean. Hopefully, she is on meds and is trying to get her disorder under control. If not, you should back off and let her do what she needs to do in order to get better and not react to her behavior by doing drugs to make the problems go away (for the minute).

Please, do me a favor, you're young and from what I can see from your writing your bright so help yourself, be a kid, and talk to your father about this.

Hope I helped

bev52 · 10-17-2002, 10:12 PM

Hi there,

Well, first of all, I'm sorry you have missed out on your childhood and life has dealt you a pretty rough hand, BUT, I can tell you that drugs is not the answer.

I have a friend whose father died when she was six months old, and her mother didn't want her or her brothers and sister so she left all of them with their grandmother.

Her two brothers got into drugs and one is in prison.

Her sister married a guy that physically abused her, and they all, (brothers & sister), blamed it on 'not having a father, and mother didn't want us.'

My friend, Nita, was only 14 yrs old when she made this statement to me:

"We have all been raised to know the difference between right and wrong, so my brothers and sister have used the 'excuse' that 'our father is dead and our mother didn't want us, so that's why we turned out this way.' I was raised by the same woman they were and I have chosen to make something of myself and stay out of trouble."

She is now a manager of a well known chain of stores and is a productive and well respected person in her community.

To me, she made a very adult statement and had a great attitude for a girl of 14, but it proves that we don't have to turn to drugs and get into trouble if we make the "choice" as she did.

Now, I don't mean to say that just because you have done some drugs that you are a bad person, and I am not judging you and hope you don't feel that I'm 'preaching' to you....just hope you will re-think your decisions, and give yourself a break from all of the bad things that have already happened to you and make some "adult decisions and choices."

Since your brother has left, now is a good time to decide what you would like to do with your life.

Hope you will give your future some serious thought...you deserve better than you've had.

Wish I could give you some pointers on your mom but I really think it's time for you to think about 'you' and let others take care of themselves for the time being.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Bev

[This message has been edited by bev52 (edited 10-17-2002).]

can_u_help_me · 10-19-2002, 01:22 PM

kayciemc and bev,
thanks for the advice, my mom hasnt been the same because of this for about 4 years now... theres a shell of what she used to be but a totally different person. she takes the meds when she feels the need to and other than that she believes that she is normal for the most part.

every 4 months or so she feels the need to come back and nuture me like her little girl again, but in the most irrational ways. when she does this or gets into trouble or leaves the current husband shes with, she comes back and stays with us and tries to get back with my dad, and he doesnt reject cuz hes still very much in love with her...in about a week or two shell disappear and not be heard from for about a month or so. this rutein has gone on regularly for the past couple years and shes slept with my dad many times since theyve been divorced.

me and my dad are not on the same page altogether. he doesnt know what to do with me and is doing the best he can. me and him get into fights everyday over stubborn and stupid things and when i say im wrong which isnt vey often he still wants to fight. he didnt even see me in my homecoming dress and stuff this year cuz he thought he should get out my hair after a fght we had that morning and moms never around anymore to see me grow up.

ive learned to let certain people into my life such as my friends and some of their parents love mee as if i was one of there own and would do anything for me. and my bf of almost 9 months. hes become very supportive but not well liked by my family, theres a little bit of an age difference so we dont get to see each other as much as wed like to, but weve managed.

my bf, we'll call him boo, has set me straight on alot of things, like DONT DO DRUGS or i wont talk to you, but since i used to do them a LOT before i knew him i hang out with the same friends i had since 6th grade and they all are into them. usually i can resist but when things are super bad, theres always that little temptation. u may say get new friends, well there isnt much choice in a 2sq mile town where everyone knows u and uve picked ur lifetime friends back in middle scool, plus theyve been there through everythng and i wouldnt be here without them, and some of them would say vice versa for them.

i just need a way to communicate with my mother, weve to therapists(not for me, but for her)and counselors and then they wanted to interview me. they determined that me and my mom have switched roles in the long run and ive become aggresive toward the fact fact that ive become the parent and shes the oblivious child. ive gotten annoyed with the same problems and the same situation over and over again and have lost sympathy and hope for her which makes me push her away... and that scares me so deeply,cuz one of my friends said the same things i said to my mom to her alchoholic mother and then her mom tried to kill herself with my friends insuline for dibetes from what she had said. i dont want my mom to do the same.

just give me ways to talk to her to put her back into the adult seat and start relizing consequences and problems with her actions... please.

thank u again.

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u never knew me, so u'll never forget me...

zionspegasus · 10-20-2002, 02:23 AM

Bipolars are at risk for suicide BECAUSE of the devastating toll the illness takes on their emotions and their life, YOU NOR YOUR ACTIONS ARE RESPONSIBLE for these devastating consequences. But because of this and other issues, I would STRONGLY recommend that you seek counseling and therapy for YOURSELF as well so that you will have help in dealing with your mom and the impact of her illness on your life. It would be good to seek FAMILY therapy, this could help enormously in your efforts to communicate with your mom.

Tell your mom that you want to talk to her about her being bipolar and the effect that is having on your life as well as hers. She may not be ready to accept it yet, but if she is it can improve her perspective to understand that hers is not the only life at stake here. Then she may make better efforts to control the bipolar. Be sure to make her aware that you are not judging her, but that you need a mother who can be an adult. Plus be sure to make her aware of how you hate to see her suffering, and let her know what actions you have considered in trying to deal with the issue and how it has effected the way you feel. It would be especially good to do this in a therapy session, because the therapist can help you deal with feeling that saying something might make matters worse, plus he/she can help your mother cope with her feelings about your statements, such as perhaps that she has failed you.

Please also continue to try to enlist the aid of another adult, particularly a caring relative. Also maybe you could ask your dad or someone else to help you in talking with your mother, she may listen better to another adult. If she really wants to deny that the bipolar is a problem, she may find it easier to dismiss what you, her daughter, has to say, even though she should listen to you because you are the one most close to her in her life right now.

Also you can try printing information about bipolar disorder off the internet or from other sources and see if she responds better to reading true accounts or facts about the disorder. Try to keep it something simple and easily read in a glance, but relevant to the situation.

I hope that you will be successful in getting through to your mother, for both your sakes. Also make your mother aware that bipolar tends to worsen when it goes untreated or is poorly treated. How does your mother feel about taking meds? Maybe taking them makes her feel weak or disabled. From your post it seems likely that she would rather cling to the notion that everything is OK, when it isnt. Or perhaps she feels as though her life is basicly OK, and she only has minor difficulties. How does your mom feel about the term "mental illness"? That too can play a major role here. Just some things to think about when you talk to your mom.