I'm beyond help

[sicksister]

I am feeling really lost right now. I relapsed 10 days before my 7th anniversary. And I have been on a roller coaster since. I couldn't put together two weeks for six months. I finally got 90 days and went back out. I've used twice in the last three weeks. I think about it all the time. I just keep wanting to get high. And now I've really ****ed things up and screwed a guy from the rooms. My head is so twisted right now. I am ashamed, feel numb and facing my husband was nearly impossible. He doesn't know I even relapsed (how he can't tell is beyond me) Besides all the money I've wasted I know my brain is wasted too. I haven't told anyone about this yet. I can't decide if I want to get high again in an attempt to forget all this **** twirling around in my head or just end all the lies and try to get back to where I was - a responsible, respectable woman. I am so open for feedback. SS

[r1961]

You're not beyond help, none of us are as long as we're still breathing. You know the answer to your question, don't use again. Pretty easy if you think about it, using got you here now, can using again possibly make it better? Stop before it's really a problem, you know that's the only answer. Stay strong, pick yourself up and get back to the person you were. I'm sure you liked being her better. Will be thinking about you and wish you the best in your current confilct.

[flintrock]

NO one is beyond help. there are people on this board that can help you. If you want help. If you don't, don't waste their time because there's someone else out there who needs it and wants it. You are going to have to be strong and pull your boot straps up and get ready. Only you can make the decision. Are you ready? If you are, we are too!!! And we're here for you. You'll get so much good advice from this board you won't believe it. Ask some of the people who come here daily...........they can tell you...just read their posts from day 1....you'll see...........

[sicksister]

Thank you all for your kind words. I don't know if I want to quit. There are so many issues in my life I don't know where to begin. First and foremost I have a daughter with Down syndrome and her birth 16 years ago really spun my life upside down. I didn't want to keep her, I didn't want to have a child with a disability and I used to escape her. When I first got clean in 99 it took me a long time to accept her for who she is - I spent the first eight years of her life hating her. But I finally fell in love with her the way I should have a long time ago. I'm also bi-polar, suffer from panic disorder and get really bad panic attacks. I know why I relapsed the first time. I had been manic for about 4 months and when the mania left the depression set in. So I picked up and didn't tell anyone, not even my sponsor and I got more depressed holding the relapse in so I used again and again somehow thinking it would make me not depressed, but it did the complete opposite. The more I used - the more depresssed I got. when I finally had enough I told my sponsor and it was hard. I was ashamed and full of guilt and then I had to share it to the floor and I finally started feeling better b/c my friends still loved me and wanted me to stop. I pulled together about 100 days clean and the obsession came back - why? I am still trying to figure that out and in the meantime the obsession to use remains. So now I've really screwed up by starting an affair and I can't stop obsessing about using and this guy and it's a vicious cycle. My guilt is overwhelming and the only time I feel 'safe' is when I'm home. But I work and my husband is an over-the-road trucker and it's so easy to use when he's away. My kids don't have a clue to past because I've always hidden it from them. They I know I go to meetings but not what they are. I did contact my case manager and she's setting me up to see a therapist. I already see a phsyciatrist (sp?) I'm on lamictal, remeron, paxil and klonopin - but they don't help when I'm using. Drugs are a vicious cycle and I just want to control my using, unfortunately using is controlling me. It's like a bad relationship - you know you need to break up but don't for reasons unknown. I know I have to break up with my drug, but as the song goes .... breaking up is hard to do. SS

[Hollyday]

You are definitely using to escape something in your life - that is plain to see. But is it stress? A problem in your marriage? The exhaustion of parenting? A hidden fear? That's what you need to dig out - the reason you are using. Once you deal with the reason, you can deal with getting rid of the crutch.

Don't give in to the snowball effect. You screw up and then make really bad choices when you use, setting off guilt and shame, which prompt you to use again to mask that pain. You make more bad choices, start hiding things from friends and family, and then you are so full of self-loathing you figure there's nothing left to lose so why not use?

That is the addiction talking. It's telling you that you might as well use because you have screwed up so much that there is no hope. But THERE IS HOPE! Your clean, happy, responsible life can start TODAY, right this MINUTE! Tell your addiction to take a hike and decide to take back control of your life. You've done it before and you LIKED the results.

Like I said, deal with the underlying problem and the voice telling you that you need to use will get fainter and fainter. Take control NOW.