Ambivalent - long, sorry.

[TheGreyCat]

Hi, I'm new on this board. I am part of another board, but honestly, I didn't want the people there to know that I struggle with this stuff. I have been hugely addicted to Ambien in the past (surprised to never see anyone on here that has), but have gotten off that since it makes me sick (although, I still took it for a while when it was making me sick, even!).

But, currently, I drink. I have been through terrible bouts of drinking, particularly when I was working at home. Over the past year or so, I have backed way off, since I have a good job I have to keep, but I've gotten to the point where I drink every night. I don't feel like I have outright alcoholism, because of the fact that it just doesn't mean that much to me if I don't do it.

It's more than I need *something*. It doesn't matter what it is, it could be cookies, if I were interested in sweets. Basically, I just need something to look forward to. This is going to sound ten times worse to hear that I drink, but I'm dealing with infertility. I'm at the point in my life where I am ready to have a baby, I dont want this career I have, I don't want meaningless things, I want to be a mom. But, even for the long periods of time when I was healthy, I can't get pregnant. And the continual disappointment is overwhelming. Please don't think of this ogre alcoholic druggie being irresponsible and wanting a baby - this isn't me. I've got a great career, I'm a Christian, happily married, homeowner, etc., there's just this issue with vices!

So, now, while I'm childless month after month, it just feels like there's nothing to look forward to. Day after day I go to work, and so it's nice to know there's something sort of "fun" and "different" - which is what alcohol (or Ambien in the past, or even caffeine), etc., does for me.

I know you'll say that the alcohol doesn't help with the fertility. Yes, I know that. It's just that when I'm healthy for a long period of time, and then I'm not pregnant again, it's hard to not say "what's the point!?" (of stopping).

I'm also bipolar II, which is the type where you get depressions but few "ups." So, that contributes to the outlook issue. Anyway, I guess I'm kind of just wondering how this looks from an outside view. I just want a little "vacation" from life, I don't really feel like it runs my life. Life does suck, though. Any thoughts? Sorry this is so long. I've liked reading your encouragement to one another while I "lurked" on this board. Thank you.

[zosolizard]

Hi there,
I just wanted to say hi & welcome you. I'm pretty new here as well - and I don't know that I'll be of much help to you right now, since I'm going through some wicked withdrawals & have a hard time thinking of much anything else

But the fact that you posted here does say that you aren't happy with the alcohol consumption, that you feel there might be a problem, and that you want to change things.
So - I congratulate you on being strong enough to do so.

I've always like to drink - and I do know that i rely on it at times to make me "feel better" or to get through rough periods. It's a nice little escape - and it's legal & easy & accepted in general.

Anyway - like I said, just wanted to say hi to you; Hang out here & share whatever you feel comfortable with. Among all of us, we can help each other out!

[TheGreyCat]

Thanks, Zosolizard. (Interesting name). I appreciate your thoughtful words. I hope you start feeling better soon. Ambien has some pretty uncomfortable withdrawals when you take the amount I was taking, so I understand. Well, let us know how YOU'RE doing! Thanks again.

[mpvt]

Have you given thought to the fact that instead of an alcohol or benzodiazepine problem you have a living problem.You should look into seeing a psychiatrist or some sort of counciling to see if you can get to the root of the problem.Good luck to you....Dave

[TheGreyCat]

Yeah, I do see a psychiatrist and am being treated for bipolar. I know that message sounded like I was a horrible person, especially for the wanting to be a mom. I guess I don't know what I was asking for you to say. Sorry for this.