What do I suffer from?

[RichieP]

Hi,

I always wanted to consult a psychologist about this but could not. But I have this problem, where I care TOO MUCH for people I know or met. It's not even my close friends just people I met once or twice or people I haven't even met!

It drives me nuts because I do too many favors and I am always concerned even if it isn't warranted for. When I read an article in the newspaper and if I can some how relate to a person, I immediately feel I should do something to help. When someone asks me for a favor or help I never say no even though I have to do something important and I cannot sleep until I get it done for them even though it isn't important at all in the grand scheme of things for them.

If I see someone I know not feeling well or hurt, I feel like I'm hurt and cannot relax even though that person does not mean much to me and isn't even a friend.

I am not sure what the problem is can you please let me know the name or the diagnosis of this problem. Can anyone please help?

[Seraph]

You spend a lot of time and energy doing stuff for people and worrying for them. Does this interfere with your life? Are you happy to do things for people? Do you resent the fact that you give and give, and perhaps don't get a lot back? Would you like yourself if you were more uncaring? I don't know if this situation is a problem in itself, only if it causes you problems. You perhaps need to examine your boundaries, and remind yourself that all these people you worry about will probably live their lives and chunter along quite happily whether you bother about them or not. The same for doing things for everyone. There is a fine line between a giving person and a doormat, but the first is willing and happy, the second feels used by everyone. Practise saying no, as in, "Gee I would love to help, ask me anytime, but today I have to say no, because....". It will get easier. Good luck, Sera

[RichieP]

Thanks guys. I'm not sure if I suffer from Bipolar as I don't have too many mood swings, I'm a calm person and don't have any mood swings other than the occasional "life sucks" feeling. But I do think I suffered a little bit of depression some time in my life maybe that has caused this shift.

Sera, I love helping people. The problem is that I get "concerned" about them. I HATE that because it makes me feel that somehow I should take up their concerns as my own. I think that is where it gets bad because if a person is in pain, I feel like I should do something, ANYTHING if it takes me feeling the pain. I do not know how to explain it exactly but i FEEL for them, yet I've realized no one does that to me nor have I seen anyone else do that to someone.

I am trying to coach myself to say "NO" but it is having a slow and tough progress... I do think this as a gift but when I'm helpless, I feel completely down and makes my life worse...

[Seraph]

Hi Richie, I don't think that it is so much a question of saying no. Seems to me that what is needed is a way for you to armour yourself against their pain, etc. Doctors do it, imagine yourself as a doctor, you would HAVE to step back a bit. Adear friend of mine, a therapist, said to visualize empathy as a circle you and the other person are standing in. Put one of your feet outside the circle. This is your balance. You are still there for them, but not totally consumed. I used to be a real Mrs Fixit, never happy unless I took on somebody's problem and sorted it out. I still have those tendencies but now I see that I cannot fix it for someone. This was such a relief, and gave me room to listen, to support someone while they came round to their own solution. I know it is a bit different for you, but you CAN strengthen your boundaries. As the late great Carl Rogers (and others) said "I am 100% responsible for (dealing with) my own behaviour; I am 0% responsible for dealing with the behaviour of others."