I think I have a problem with Valium, possibly alcohol.

[sunexomega]

7 years ago I went through some serious traumatic life issues. I had a GF that ended up in a serious car accident, coma, then rehabilitation. She survived to only screw me over for the next 2 years. Cheating, cheating, cheating. At the same time, my dog died. My parents seperated, and finally I got into problems with my boss and dealt with him giving me hell for 3 months until I quit.

I came home after quitting feeling like I could take no more. I was fried. I felt sick to my stomach. I needed a break. So what I did was relax and thought I would take a few weeks off from life and just take it easy.

This didn't work out. I spent two days not really sleeping. I felt sick so I didn't eat. I thought I had an ulcer. This went on in a circle for about a week and I felt worse.

I went to the doctor and they tried me on several medicines. Antidepressants, these all made me feel worse. It got to the point where I was terrified. Finally, got on paxil and things got better. This lasted 4 years but I had no emotions so I quit and got on Wellbutrin. This was easy for me most have issues changing I did alright. I felt better than I did in years.

Then I added xanax I think the Wellbutrin made me too hyper and I was already hyper. I loved xanax. I took .5 mg daily for about 4 months then quit cold turkey. I quit because I became lazy. This laziness effected my job. About a week after quitting I was feeling sick. I was having weird orgasms they kind of hurt and made me feel sick. I know that is graphic but true. I started feeling really depressed and scared. I was having little moments of feeling like I wanted to die, I didn't want to but I was afraid of how I felt. So we got me back on .5mg and then started to slowly cut it down. Took me 6 months. The world changed to me, it looked dirty and ugly. I felt agoraphobic, TMJ, headaches, depressed, ocd, anxiety, crying, afraid for about the next 8 months. Some days were ok, some were awful.

I might have been cutting too fast, or something but it was a rough ride. I then at the end added 2mg of valium. At that point I was on a tiny tiny dose of xanax. I then quit the xanax and stayed on the valium. I went through a mini hell again. But it got better my body got used to the valium and I stabilized.

This was about 2 years ago. Since then I have been ok. I have had some bad moments, I feel like I have gained some asthma, I feel out of breath and weak. My doctor thought the wellbutrin was causing me issues so we decided to take it every other day. This lasted for about a year. Then I started getting vertigo. Really really bad. I couldnt walk or do anything for a while, we thought it was an infection so I took antibiotics. Finally we reduced the wellbutrin again to 75mg daily now. I then stabilized and my balance problem got better.

Recently I was told that maybe I didn't need the wellbutrin so we tried to cut it down again. This was a month ago. I am now on 37.5 mg daily. I never really was depressed until the benzo withdrawals. I was just a guy that had anxiety and stomach problems because of the anxiety. Now I feel unwell, I feel sick, I feel weak, I feel asthma, I have had so many panic attacks, visits to the hospital, stress tests, holters, ekg's, you name it. It all comes back normal. Apparently I am quite healthy. Well damn I don't feel like it.

I have never quit the 2mg of valium, for 2 years now I have taken that. Why? Because I was afraid, I never was like this but the valium scared the **** out of me.

I wonder if I became tolerant to the valium and have been going through withdrawal for the past 8 months. I wonder if the change in wellbutrin changed the amount of time the valium was being metabolized. Because evertime I change that I feel like I did when I was having xanax withdrawal.

Lately I feel depressed, scared, weak, depersonalized, I feel uncomfortable being me. I feel strange. I feel in a fog, spaced out. Its all strange.

Most people quit the wellbutrin no problem. For me changing the dose changes something. I think it changes the valiums effect on me.

All along the way over the last few years I have been drinking. Not much just a few beers to take the edge off. I don't have an addictive personality. It got up to 4 a day then I cut it back to 2. I was on strong beer, then I went to coors light to try to cut back. I drink 1 or 2 a night now. I have been drinking pretty much everyday for the past few years. Just to self medicate myself. But from what?

I think I have a problem with tolerance withdrawal. I think it gets more uncomfortable as I try to quit the wellbutrin. I think I drink to take the edge off.

Tonight I did a test and I took a larger dose of ativan instead of valium and I felt like I got significantly better. I have ativan from years ago, I never used it. I don't plan on continueing this, I did this just to test.

Anyway, I need my life on track, I am having a baby and I got great job that I have been struggling at. I am young and apparently pretty healthy but I have felt like **** for so long.

I know the horror stories of medicine. Please only positive advice and *****. I need to regain hope, and I need to figure out what the hell is going on here.

I don't depend on taking alcohol or valium to function. I have been taking the valium when I went to bed just because I was afraid not to. Many times I would fall asleep and forgot, and then I would wake up and hurry up and take it for fear of withdrawal. Alcohol just a little everyday to help me relax.

sorry for so long. it does feel good to write this all out

[jules3]

Did you say you were having a baby? isnt that enough for you to quit?

[shay4bliss]

Hi Sun,

Have you actually ever talked to your doctor about the fact that you think you might be reliant on valium? Valium is the most addictive (I think) benzo in the family. In fact, in my area of the country it is very rarely prescribed anymore because of it. However, ativan and xanax still is. But valium is the big whopper and addiction occurs extremely rapidly within a few days. It sounds like you really already have your own answers.

There comes a time when any drug levels off and is basically just like taking a sugar pill. It just "maintains" in your body and keeps it "normal" but quits actually doing what it originally was intented to do. At which time has to be increased, that's why the ativan is helping....and the alcohol too. Alcohol is a depressant and gives the same effect essentially as a benzo. So taking ativan or drinking is "upping" your dose of valium. If you were to not drink AND not take your valium...you'd notice you didn't take the valium when you forgot. The alcohol is acting like a valium.

Make sense?

I know that Wellbutrin is an extremely "hyper" drug. There are so many anti-d's out there that don't hype you out, maybe the doc could find anything else. Wellbutrin is highly abused by speed addicts because of it's upper effect. Some people never really get used to it and always have problems sleeping and relaxing and are often put on benzos for that reason. There are plenty of alternative anti-d's that you don't have to supplement with anti-aniety meds. I repeated myself alot today in the posts, but Celexa is a great anti-d and anti-anxiety med without addiction issues.

It really does sound like you've had a rough time. I'm really sorry for that. It does help to get it out here and like so many people here have told me, this is a great board, but we all need "real" people to talk to and support us also. Have you ever talked with a counselor or anything? You've had a great deal of loss in your life and that will effect ANYONE. We all need a sounding board and it could really help. Congratulations on your upcoming little arrival! You know and sound like you want to be the best you can for your little one, and counseling, a change in anti-d's, and being real honest with your doctor couldn't hurt a bit and help you be the best You you can for him/her.

I hope maybe I could help, shed some light, or just support you a little. There are great people here, who will post at some point to you who reall know what they are talking about and are very supportive. You're in a great place, but find it around you too....
Much hope,
Shay

[sunexomega]

absolutely i want and need to quit. thats not the problem. the problem is I go through hell when I try to quit, I have been going through hell on them because of tolerence. I absolutely want to be a happy drug free father. Thats my goal. I just cant fall apart in the process and then not work or function. Thats my problem. I am stuck right now. And its stressing me out.

[skych]

Hi Sun,

There is hope! There is always hope out there. I think that you have a huge fear of having all the things around you fall apart while you are trying to get right side up!
Do you think you can take a look at your fears and get some help with them? I think Shay made a great point about going to counseling. I don't have all the answers and I will do my best to support you! I can share my experiences and the experiences of other people I have watched go through similar experiences.
Maybe a local support group fro depression would help. You can meet others and with the same issues. Maybe you can try to go to AA, CA, or NA. Those groups are based on spirituality. Not religion, but spirituality.
I know that when I am worried and all screwy in my head that I need to tap into my source, (Higher Power, or God) what ever you want to call it.
Recently I am going through a tough time and really the only thing I can do at this point is try my best to not lets the discomforts that I am having at the present have the power over me.
I and you too need to take the power back. If you really do not want to take and be dependent on these drugs any more I am not talking about the antidepressants, just the other things, than you need to face the fears so you can grasp your head around a better life without them.
We know you can do it. Have some faith in yourself. If you don't I do!
Can you get with a Doc to try and get off everything? Maybe you need to go into a detox for a while. I know that is a tough decision, but if you are havving so much trouble with in yourself now how can you do life?
I know if you reach out your hand to a Doc or 12 step group or counseling it will really help so much.
One more thing, we all go through hell while trying to go through the process of getting off all these things, but it is a small price to pay for a huge gift of this life!!
Sending a cyber hug your way and congrats on the little one! What is the due date??? Chrissy