The cute side of Dementia

[angel_bear]

I have shared this story before, but with all the new members, it's time to share it again.

I have a gentleman I look after ....... let' call him Nelson.

Nelson often comes up to me, quite lost, and I can tell by his eyes if he's having a 'with it' day or a 'lost' day ...

today .. was a 'lost' day.

Knock knock (on the kitchen bench) .. "Excuse me a moment, I don't wish to be a bother, but could I talk to you for a moment?"

I wipe my hands on the tea towel, sigh deeply ... here we go again ..

"yes, Nelson, what can I do for you?" I ask.

"umm .. well, this is silly, but .. could you tell me where my wife is?"

(insert 'awwww' here) "yes Nelson, she's at home. You live with me now"

"I do?" he asks, wide eyed in shock.

"yup, sure do" I reply with smile and a pat on the arm.

"oh .. ok .. I get that ... but ... well, just where is my wife?"

.............ahhh .. it's going to be one of THOSE conversations .............

And so I go on to ask:

"Hey Nelson buddy .. how old are you?"

He thinks for a while ... rubs his jaw, scratches his head, and says "oh .. around 56 or so?"
I smile, and say "I wish .. your turning 91 soon"

"91?""
"yup, 91"
"91 .. really??"
"Really really" and have this urge to put Shrek on the Video ....

By this stage, he looks a little worried, so the conversation goes something like this:

Nelson, your living here now because you have a short term memory problem. (I refuse to say Dementia to a Dementia patient)
He always looks intently at me at this time, because he knows I'm going to explain myself further. He doesn't remember we have this conversation daily (at least), but he's getting easier to settle, so I know our conversation is now a soothing thing for him .......

I explain that he's now almost 91. That his wife visits 3 times a week and his daughter brings his dog to visit on the weekends. I explain that his short term memory problem made him get lost badly one time and he scared everybody including himself, and that he took the wrong medications a few times.

And then, I explain that he's 91. His brain has simply run out of room for new memories. I back this up with:

"I bet you can tell me what kind of cake you had at your 21st birthday party, but you can't tell me what you had for breakfast"

And it's like it all fall's into place for him ... it all makes sense. He's 91, his brain is full of lovely memories, and it's probably not that important that he forgets stuff cause that's what this lady here is for .. to jog my memory.

And with that, he 99% of the time, is happy to settle into bed. Once in a blue moon, it won't work and he'll come back and we'll go through the entire process again, but twice is sufficient even at his 'lostest' moments.

If only they were ALL so passive and easily settled ! LOL

cheers

[gdschillins]

angelbear,

My mom sounded like that too. Every day she would tell me she didn't forget anything but couldn't remember that I was there everyday and I've brought the kids by several times. She askes all sorts of questions and every day I tell her the same thing. Sometimes I want to make a tape and put it into her tape player and play it while she's sleeping so maybe when she wakes up she would know. Right now she's doing better on her aricept but there are times when I repeat myself 3-5 times a day.
Let me ask you something. If you were to have a patient that absolutly refused to believe that they forget and have dementia how do you handle them. Sometimes my mom and I get into the worst arguments over why she's living with me and how she has vascular dementia and she often forgets. Sometimes they're over the reason she's not allowed to use the stove if I'm gone. She says I'm calling her stupid and treating her like a baby. So whatis a good way to approach the subject without an arguement?

[Martha H]

I have an answer that you will find hard to comply by - I know I did. You just go along with her own feeling that she is fine, BUT continue to make it impossible for her to use the stove, go out alone, use a car, etc etc etc.

You make up little and bigger white lies. Of course you are fine and nothing is wrong with you, you're just living with me for little while because you wanted a little break from your old routine. You're going back next week, month, or year. She'll ask again in 2 hours so whatever you say doesn't matter, just the FEELING she gets from your answer matters.

You are too sick to take care of yourself leads to outrage anger and bad feelings. You decided yourself to come and stay with me for awhile sounds positive, good, and something she may have said, but forgot.

The stove doesn't work, the microwave is broken, the car is broken, the keys lost, your money is safe in the bank where you put it, here is a stack of bills (all ones) until you get to go and withdraw more. Your clothes, pictures, etc are not where they were not because I stole them (you don't have to admit to THAT!) but because we rearranged everything last week at your request; tomorrow we'll put everything back just where you want it. First let's have a cup of cocoa.

You want to go out and visit Uncle Louie (who died in 1988?) Sure! Let's go tomorrow. He wouldn''t be up this late anyhow. We'll call him. Let's have a little snack first.

It works. I learned it the hard way - life was arguments, tears, rages, and two people feeling frustrated and crazy. This method - you feel in control, she feels in control , no one is the poor loser.

Try - I have to admit it took me a full year to get the hang of it ...

love,

Martha

[UJG]

Martha, you're awesome! That last post helped me get back on track just now. I know and have used all of those suggestions, but it's easy to forget them. Thanks for the reminder!

Jay

[lollylegs]

I agree with martha, tell them whatever works to keep them calm and safe.
an argument will only upset them and they will forget the explanation you have given soon anyway.

I also call mums dementia her memory problem. better to be kind than right with dementia

cheers