Controlling Mom

lizzy66 · 07-05-2007, 10:44 PM

I just wrote in about my Mother being placed in a Dementia Unit now I have another problem.
She is 85 and I am 58. I feel as though my life is over. She has controlled me all my life and is still doing so even with this disease. I talked with her on Tuesday and told her that I would not be talking with her again until Thursday(tonight). When I told her that she said that she woke up with Diahrea(sp), then when that didn't work she said that she needed her medical cards. I told her that they have copies of them. She says well what if I go out with someone? I said where would you be going that you would need them? Then she asked me about her credit card then when that didn't work she asked about money. To say that this woman in demented, she sure was smart enough to try anyway to get my attention to come up to see her, when I was just there the day before. Well, she goes to the office and crys and says that I haven't called her for 3 or 4 days. And she wanted them to call me even though I was going to call her at 7 like I usually do they called me and asked me to talk with her. So needless to say my dinner was ruined.
You know, I really hope that I don't come accross to you as a uncaring daughter, because I am the daughter that has done everything for her. Maybe that is what the problem is. Right now I could just scream. I really want to just sit her down and tell her that I am going to be 6 ft under if she doesn't knock it off. I am so stressed. It is really taking its toll on my health. There is something that comes up with her at least once a week. It's not about falls or health issues it is just about her worrying about me. This is just so bizzare to me. And she is on celexa 10mg per day. Thinking about uping that dose. I know that I can't go one like this anymore. And I am on meds for anxiety. Gee I wonder why!!!
Does this sound familiar to anyone else out there?
Thanks for your help

angel_bear · 07-06-2007, 02:05 AM

Dementia doesn't mean 'stupid'. They become cunning and will do and try anything to get their own way (hence proving how 'normal' they are ... to themselves anyway...)

You have allowed your mother to control you. People can only control us if we allow it. My mother tried it (and still does) and it worked for a short while until I finally realised that HEY, I can do stuff without her approval, she won't approve of anything I do anyway, so I may as well go and do it and make myself happy.

And so I did. It hasn't been an easy road, I left home at 16 to prove my point, returned at the age of 29 when my marriage broke up (best thing that ever happened to me really), I stayed there until I could get my own place (6 weeks, and that was 6 weeks too long) because in that short time she started trying to control me again, and I haven't been back since (on any permanent basis, the odd trip here and there, and I haven't seen her in almost 2 years now, and we're getting on SO well now !!)

You have a choice now, of having a life. Mum is being looked after, it's time for YOU to let go. Yes, you still have responsibilities, but ultimately, Mum's time is almost over and you still have a good 20 years to enjoy.

So .. go and enjoy huh?

I have always been the 'dependable' one, the rock, the one who picks up the pieces, and after having my family kick me in the teeth after all was said and done ...... you know what?

I don't owe anybody anything.

And neither do you.

It doesn't mean I don't care, heck, I think I'm still a loving, caring person, HOWEVER, I am learning to step back, walk away and let others take responsibility (especially when they have screamed for so long at what a rotton job I was doing).

And your quite right, your going to send yourself into an early grave if you keep allowing yourself to get so stressed ....... there is backup, there is support, if it all came down to the fact that you REFUSED to have your mother home with you, SOMEBODY would find her SOMEWHERE to live.

Step back, take a breath, GO ON A HOLIDAY and have a life. 20 years is a long time to go and be YOU.

cheers & Hugs .... hope I haven't upset you.

lizzy66 · 07-06-2007, 03:52 PM

Thanks for your response. And no you did not upset me. My problem was that I was the stupid one for not seeing it until I did have her live with me after my Dad died 3 years ago.
Once she moved in we did everything together and yes I am married to a wonderful and supportive man for 24 years. One night I just felt the need to go out by myself just me myself. I needed a break and my husband said just go. He said don't tell her because you know that she will want to go with you. So sure enough, I had been gone for about 15 minutes and she comes out of her living quarters and asked my husband where is Lizzy. He told her that she went to the store. She told him that she wouldn't do that without telling her first. My husband just went back in the den and didn't say anything until after the 6th time she opened up the garage door looking for me. Then it started to get dusk and she told him to go and look for me. Thats when he blew and told her that I was 57 (actually at the time I was only 56 but that is what stress will to you) and that I had a life and if I wanted to go to the store by myself I was entitled. He also told her to quit babying me. It was not until that time did I realize that my Mother was controlling me. I went in her room and she told me that she did wrong and I told her that she certainly did and that we would talk in the morning. That is when I told her that we were going to have to make other arrangements. And she moved out 2 weeks later.
I ask myself how in the world at my age could I have not seen that? I also asked my husband why he didn't tell me? He asked me if I would have believed him if he did? I said, probably not. That I had to find it out for myself.
So I guess tomorrow I am going to make a trip up to the ALF and tell her that this is going to stop. That I have a life and she lived her life when she was my age and I intend to do the same. I guess that I will have to be on the firm side and point blank no if's and or but's.
My husband is 7 years older and I am and it is not fair to him. We just went up the road to see family but did not tell her because she will use any excuse in the book to keep me from going, even though she tells me all of the time she wants me to be happy. I dread doing it, but I will not be a peace until I do. I purposely did not give her long distance because she was calling me all hours of the night and she is a wanderer. I am hoping that the dementia unit will give me peace of mind for her maybe walking out of the door.
Well, sorry to be so longwinded here. I guess that the control thing is from the long term memory because she has been doing it for years upon years.
Thanks again for writing.

WasFatNoMore · 07-06-2007, 06:30 PM

Lizzy66 - you and your Mom sound like my Mom and Grandmother! She knows how to push your buttons and you fall for it. Just don't be like my Mom....learn how to not let her boss you around!!!! My Mom never did and even now, 5 years after she died, I still see the negative emotional scars on my Mom that will never heal. Mom was as happy as a clam at Gmom's funeral and we all hoped it would last, but the negativity of a lifetime crept back in. Neither of my parents is particulary self-insightful and thus nothing will change. But it sounds like your husband is insightful, and with his support you can put an end to the bullying, because that is what it is, bulltying.

Good luck to you!

teapot · 07-06-2007, 06:40 PM

I hope you don't think this suggestion is unkind - but I'd say - don't go. There might not be a good outcome to driving up to tell her that you aren't going to deal with it anymore. At worst you will get her very upset, and it will be very stressfull for you. At best, she get's what she wants - which is a visit from you, and that might give her ideas for how to get you back for further visits!!

You did your part - and you are in control now. You can't be responsible for her being happy 24 hours a day. Just deal with it on your terms. Don't answer the phone unless you want to. Let the answerphone pick up. The ALF will call if there is an emergency, they will leave a message if you aren't there. Call when it's a good time for you - visit when it's a good time for you. Keep the conversations and vists short and cheerful. In the meantime, go out to dinner with your hubby, see movies or something, (I couldn't do suspense movies when I was dealing with my Dad but Ratattouille is very clever and witty) hit the bookstores, enjoy life.

About the credit card - I'm not sure how bad off she is, but she could do something like hit the TV shopping network hard and do some damage. Next visit, I'd "forget" to bring the credit card, but give her 20$ in 5's and 1's and say you'll bring it next time. Don't bring it next time.

Good Luck