Southbeach & Michelle???

[maggie0704]

Hey Ladies!
I wanted to start a new thread bcuz the other one was getting too long.
Just checking in on everyone.
I'm hanging in there. I had decided to stay put on 6mg. of the Sub. bcuz i went away this past weekend and i didn't want to feel icky. I haven't been away in so long that i wanted to make sure i felt my best while away. Even though i really didn't......i had MAJOR PMS and was very irritable. My poor hubby.
So now it is Tuesday, and i'm still on 6mg. I'm having such a cranky day with my hormones and i just can't bear taking any chances on feeling worse.
Hopefully in a few days things will be back to normal and i can face it with more confidence.
This crap is so hard. It is going to be unbelieveably tough not being able to take something to "escape" from reality. Bcuz even though the Sub. does not give me euphoria, it does make me feel a little "better" than without them. And that is going to be SOOO hard to do especially when i first get pregnant and i am dealing with the initial pregnancy issues and feelings.
SOrry to complain. I'm just venting so that i hopefully can let go of it.
I hope all is well with you guys and i hope to hear from you soon!

[oh-notagain]

HEY MAGGIE !!!

i get what you're saying about the sub. but let me explain to you how i am feeling on it right now. im holding at 2mg a day. when i first wake up in the morning i feel pretty crappy, like im about to start going through withdrawls. then i take the sub and within about 1/2 hr to 1 hr i start to feel normal. thats it. just normal. not like i have more energy or anything. just normal (ok i said that 3 times.... lol) anyway, it took two months to get to this point on two mg. i am just this week noticing that this is the way that it goes: you start your new dose, you have complications with it - sometimes you get the burst of energy after you take it - sometimes you get sicker that you want to be towards the evening. and then eventually you stabilize on the dose. i think this might mean im ready for another cut, right? well, i think i told you that im waiting till i get back from vacation. so thats the plan. and when i get back from vacation, im not going to try to go down to 1 mg. im going to take the two mg, crush it up ( a la reach ) and split that into thirds and take two thirds. i'll see how that works. if i have learned nothing else on this board (and this is from reach also) i have learned that i must take it very very slow and be very very patient.
anyway, that was a long enough ramble, huh? how long have you been on the 6mg now? i think its a good idea you stay there till you feel "stable" at that dose, then move on so so slow. i think i asked you on our last thread if you had a "set in stone" agenda or timeline on the pregnancy issue? i hope not, b/c this is going to be so important to finish this step right.
i think when you do get pregnant you will have enough on your hands to "escape" into your plans for the future with the baby, yes? because God only knows when you have that wonderful child you will have enough busy on your hands !!!
oh maggie, i am so glad i have someone to go through this with !!! you dont even know !!!
and hey southbeach !!! just want to say hi and how ya doin? you know you were one of the very first people to respond to me on this board and help me and i will never forget you for that !!! how ARE you doing? i know you're going through some rough stuff right now. i've been through it before (losing my home) so maybe i can be there for you with it? i hope so !!! truth be told, now that its been a while since it happened to me im so glad not to be back in that house with all those bad reminders. that home is where i used. that home is where i suffered through withdrawls. im glad not to be there !!!

take care both !!!

michelle

[maggie0704]

Hey Michelle:
I'm so glad your going thru this journey with me too! It is nice to talk to someone on the actual med. that i am on......makes it easier to know what to expect instead of feeling like i'm in the dark.
You said that when you want to go lower than 1mg, your going to have to crush it up.....that will be SOOOO hard for me. Bcuz in my "sick mind" it will be VERY hard for me to take a sliver of it and feel like i'm taking anything at all. Do u get what i mean?
Like now for instance, i go to take a 1/4 piece (2mg) bcuz i like to take the rest (1/2 , 4mg) at nighttime, and i end up taking a piece slightly bigger than the 1/4 cuz i can't wrap my mind around the fact that that small of a piece is going to do ANYTHING. It's harder with the sub. bcuz it has so much power in such a small tablet, not like taking Lorcets where you can be up to like 10pills a day so when u get down to the end of taper your still taking 1/2 a pill.
So crushing it will be hard to stay strong with and not take more.
I have been on 6mg now for about 3 wks. I plan on doing 5mg today, then going to the 4mg daily starting tomorrow. I know that i won't experience much (if any) withdrawls, its just been hard bcuz of the pill size, like i said above....to get myself to go lower.
As far as my "time schedule" for baby, i'm actually feeling rushed. And i am the one to blame for that. I'm 31, had 2 miscarriages, and feel i need to start soon. Especially if i want to have 2 babies. Every year i get older, increases the odds against me being "as fertile". I know, i know, i need to get myself in order first and foremost. But i also feel that this pressure i'm putting on myself, is something that i need. Or else i would NEVER have the drive to quit. Especially since i do have valid pain.....and i don't feel as if i over-take the med.
But i want to be clean and healthy regardless of getting pregnant. I want to know what it's like to be chemical free again. I can't even remember being clean. But it's obviously VERY possible bcuz i hadn't taken any narcotics until around the age of 23.....and i was fine all those years prior!
And i don't want to be 9months preg. in mid-summer next year. Since i've had those miscarriages, my hormones have been out of whack, and i've been very sensitive to heat. I get hot VERY easily and sweat profusely in the heat. The sweating has started to improve as the months go on since the last one (9months ago).....but i know that once i get prego. again i'll be DYING!!!! And of course it doesn't help that i live in Florida where today it is about 95* outside with humidity it feels like 103*.
Soooooo, i'm hoping to be off of it within the next month and 1/2. That is a good plan i think. Not too quick at all. Now i've got to start working on my smoking!!!! Which is very hard to do when i'm also tapering. I decided to wait on totally quitting until i finished tapering the med., but i also know that the dr. wants me to be stopped completely for a few wks IF NOT months, so i feel pressured about that. But i can only do what i can handle, and as long as i've quit before i begin "trying", than i'll be better off than i was both times before. The other times, i only quit when i found out i was prego...which was around the 3-4wk. time. So i was actually preg. and smoking.
This time i will make sure that there is not a moment where i'm carrying in the least, and smoking.
Well, i gotta go work a bit. When are you leaving for vacation???Where are you going?
Talk to you soon! Thanks for being there for me!!

[maggie0704]

HELLO SOUTHBEACH!!???
I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN A LONG TIME! I'VE RESPONDED TO A FEW OF YOUR GENERAL THREADS, BUT WANTING TO CATCH UP WITH YOU PERSONALLY AND SEE HOW THINGS ARE GOING AND HOW YOUR FEELING!
I'M THINKING OF YOU!

[Sunshinegirl]

I am here - by the skin of my teeth. Last week, after taking the Cymbalta my new Dr. gave me, I overdosed - intentionally, and ended up in the hospital. I firmly believe that the side effects I experienced from the Cymbalta were instrumental in my "decision" to end my life. I could not get out of bed that day........just laying there......in my head.......obsessing about all of my problems and just feeling so alone and full of despair. I felt like I was back at day 1 of detox, but worse because the deadline for moving is looming closer and closer, I'm still not working as I feel like I'm not ready yet physically or emotionally and am scared to death to go back to work.....and what $$ I do have is all I have for living on until we move, moving expenses, etc.

I texted my daughters and told them I loved them and good-bye......real nice, huh????? And that's the last thing I remember until later in the hospital when I came to and saw my daughter standing over me in a blurry haze. What a selfish coward I was!!!!!!!!! My other daughter took emergency leave from the Navy and is home thru the end of July. They are being really supportive, but I have put them through litteral hell - especially my daughter who lives with me. When she coouldn't reach me after several attempts, she called 911. Upon her arrival to the house there were 2 cop cars in front of the house and the cops were already inside. They hadn't yet entered my bedroom and allowed her to rush passed them. They weren't sure if I was alive or not..............either way, what a horrible thing I put her through!!!

I spent 4 nights in the hospital with a "sitter" next to my bed at all times, even through the night. Every move I made was watched - I couldn't even go to the bathroom alone and sleeping (even with medication to "help" me) was impossible because there was always a stranger right next to me. Just not a good feeling. But I felt lucky to be alive.

On the 3rd day I was told I wold be moved to a "behavioral" facility as soon as a bed came available. I had been Baker Acted so I had no choice. Finally Sunday a bed came open and I was transferred. It was the most horrible experience. It was a coed facility and I was scared. I had never been to a place like that. They treated us like animals, some people were so drugged up they were like zombies moving through the hallways with absolutely nothing to do all day long. There were no group therapy sessions as I had been told and we all waited for Monday to come when the Dr. would be there to decide who could go home. There were 2 nurses who reached out to me and told me that they felt I would be able to go home Monday. Fortunately, after meeting with the Dr. he decided to let me go home. After a week with no shower, just sponge baths and feeling like scum, I was elated when my daughter picked me up. And also a little nervous.

Would my feelings of dread return???? Would I be able to cope with the remaining feelings of withdrawal??? I decided to put it all on the back burner and enjoy my freedom and another chance at life.

Today was a little tough......physically I felt really shakey, but I pushed through it and ended up having a nice day with one of my daughters. We even went and looked at an apartment while my other daughter was at work. So I am moving forward. I'm embarrassed and shameful and sorry for what I've put my girls through. I keep apologizing to them and it just doesn't seem like enough. The best thing I can do now is live my life and not give up, no matter what. I have a lot to be thankful for and I'm not speaking of material things. I cannot lose sight of that. I'm really lucky to be alive right now!!!!!