It has to begin by saying that Feb, 9th 2001 was when it all began
I will try to be succinct
A slow drift into schizophrenia began once I entered the “therapeutic school” campus.
Mind washing?
Bad timing?
Destiny?
This schizophrenia and psychosis quickly became grounded in the belief that I had failed The Acid Test
The critical evaluation of my innermost essence was the fear I felt on Psychedelics.
I felt I was an outcast
I was a disappointment
and mostly an embarassment.
I remember thinking I must have a form of spiritual down syndrome.
Completely devoid of the charismatic lure that I saw in my friends at home.
I'd had a constant fear that I was a slight charity case, burden, basically a loser that hung out with the in -crowd because I made it my first priority to do so. I convinced myself to accept my self-concept as a member of the in-crowd.
The fear I experienced on drugs ranging from pot to psychedelics and finally to during my daily schizophrenic experiences has been based on the fear that I was not truly who I convinced myself I was.
I remember watching a movie of me playing basketball at age 10 or 11 and being appalled out how unattractive and uncoordinated I looked on the film.
My mirror fear: at age 12 or 13 I got the urge to take modeling classes. To reaffirm view of myself as an attractive and CHARISMATIC person. I've never been able to look at myself in the mirror and truly see me...I always pose and put the same expression on my face. I haven't truly seen myself on film since I was 12.
I dedicated my high school years to creating A partially false, and artificially inflated self image, with pot, following the in crowd, and what seemed like very closely aligned priorities and interests with the people I was friends with.
Looking myself in the eye both in a mirror and metaphorically has become more and more difficult. Im ashamed of the my vices, or 'my secret life' as Dali described it.
My porn fetishes, my sexual insecurities, and not much else.
Thats the kicker. The other part of me, nourished by a loving and relatively happy childhood, is so grateful that I feel intoxicated with love for everything.
This intoxicating love that I posses for people skyrocketed to the forefront of my life when I went to “therapeutic boarding school”.
I became the martyr. Grandiose fantasies, and beliefs that I was the chosen one consumed my reality from September 2001 – January 1st 2003 16 months.
From that point. January 1st 2003 – September 2005 I was in hell. I've managed to retain some small glimmer of hope from 1/1/03 – 7/27/07....
But now its been 4 ˝ years from the onset of my hellish nightmare. I'm losing my hair, literally Im on Propecia at 21.
The memory and hope harvested from the past has almost disintegrated within the past year. Now life is more realistic, but bland beyond the common man's wildest imagination.
The gratefulness and intoxicating love that rose up in me during my struggles, has been used to break me down to a zombie-like state. So grateful for everything, I'm now becoming acclimated to a hellishly bland existence, no life at all really.
And that's where I am now. Thoughts of release from this nightmare are constant. Fear of my fate, Who have I become.
I went from one of the happiest people I knew to one of the most depressed and tortured I know.
I never would have believed it was possible.
Linear Mode
