Caretaker for gramie:-(

[JulJul22]

I have been the caretaker for my grandmother for about 3 years now. My step mother also helped but we had separate rolls. My S/M is over weight and could only help with limited things such as grocery shopping and bills. I myself am a 22 years old single mother that only weights 80 pounds. My responsibilities were changing her legs, (infections) bathing, cooking, cleaning the house, taking care of her cat. While she was still at home, I moved in with her for about 6 months since her house was on the other side of town and figured this would be better for both parties. Although she watched my daughter like a hulk and never got off of her back. Lol

She suffers from Alzheimer’s and soon after moving in; she could no longer remember who I was. The first time she asked me who I was, hit me hard. I had to walk into the other room and just cry. I didn't realize it would affect me so badly. After that, I had to learn to accept it. I decided for her best interest to put her into a nursing facility because she started walking outside at night and turning the stove on and forgetting about it. Also, she would stay up all hours of the night walking around the house and digging through her stuff. It’s hard to believe that she didn’t know who I was but if she found something that belonged to her years prior, she could tell you descriptive details about how much it cost and when she bought it.

I go to see her a couple days a week. She celebrated her birthday on Dec 9th and I brought family members (who have been no help and had to beg to come) and my grandmother threw a fit as I tried to wheel her to her party. It’s getting very hard for me to handle this as I know that she is in her final stage and she is no longer the strong, independent person that I remember. I think she knows my face though. The thing that rips my heart out is the fact that nobody in my family is willing to help or even wants to visit her. No, she doesn't understand that I'm her grand daughter but I am and I'm going to make sure that I do everything in my power to make her feel safe and secure and loved. In the beginning, she would get scared and ask me what was happening to her and I explained it to her. I told her that she may get really bad but not to worry because I will always be here for her.

I feel like a horrible person when I go to see her. She smiles when she sees my face and sometimes even grabs my hand and tells me to take her home. She remembers sometimes and it hurts so bad...I'm tearing up right now just thinking about her. I always leave there crying and it was up to me and my SM to clean out her house. The house that she has always lived in to pay for her care. This is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. Now you can’t understand what she's saying and she can no longer walk. I'm not 100% happy with her care but I don't want to uproot her and create more problems.

Sorry, people just don't understand what this disease does to you and how much it hurts to watch her cry because her grand daughter has to help her bathe. It's so incredibly sad.

[DGabriel10]

Bless you Jul for accepting such a difficult task and caring for your grandmother. There is nothing for you to feel badly about because you have done the very best you can. There are some that can not accept what is happening and some that chose not to be bothered. That is for them to live with. You are doing what she needs of you and that is the only thing you have control over. There is a special place in heaven for caregivers!!

As for your grandmother not recognizing you but remembering things from long ago... she is remembering what you looked like long ago and you do not look the same now. Her smiles in your direction and holding your hand says that she knows that you are kind and caring towards her now. Yet she does not connect the face she sees with the small child she probably remembered. She loves you for who you are now as well as who you were to her.

You have found her the best care possible and for that you should be applauded. We all want to stay independent and she is frustrated by the disease. It is nothing you have done or can do anything about. Dry your tears and know that you have done above and beyond what many grand daughter's would even attempt to do. You have given your grandmother the love and caring she needed.

It is a difficult job and gets no easier. Those that are not in the front lines truly do not grasp the stress and frustration and feelings of inadequacy this disease can put, not only on the patient, but even more so on the care giver. I respect and applaud you for standing up and being the one that helped your grandmother.

Keep typing. This is a great place to let out your frustrations with super people that honestly do understand because they have been where you are. There are also those that will learn from you becaues they are going where you have gone. Know I keep you and your grandmother in my thoughts and prayers......

Love, Deb

[carsam]

Hi Jul....
I wanted to say how much I admire how much love and compassion you have for your grandmother. Caring for someone is extremely difficult, and only people who do it can understand how much.
My grandmother is 94 years old, she had 10 children, 6 girls, 4 boys. Until she hit 90 years old, she was perfectly healthy. She lost two sons, both to cancer, and went downhill after that, and now has dementia. My grandmother lives in Ireland and I live in Canada, so do my parents. There are still 5 of her children that live in her area, her sole caregiver is her son, who lives with her, and is unmarried. I guess because he was single and already living there, it just came about that he became her caregiver. My grandmother's house was always Grand Central Station, everyone running in and out, every day of the week. Today it is more a ghost town, and people go there only a result of the pangs of guilt from their conscience, or when someone has really screamed at them for their ignorance and lack of compassion. I have always been very close with my grandmother, of 37 grandchildren, I am her favorite, and that is because I have always made her a part of my life, and let her know I love her. Even though I live far away, she would always visit us often, and we would do the same. I still now to this day, on those rare moments, talk to her on the phone, and even in her state of confusion, I spend 45 minutes talking with her, to maybe get her to understand one or two small words I say to her. All her other grandchildren, have abandoned her.....although they live 5 minutes away. What I would give to be able to drop by after work for a visit. But she is a burden to them. Even worse, her own daughters have abandoned her, and left her care to their brother. He goes 3, sometimes 4 nights in a row with no sleep, his body is wrecked in pain most days, and he has absolutely NO life of his own. In 3 years our "family" as I knew it, has disintegrated. Harsh and cruel words spoken that can never be taken back. My mom is planning to fly there again in January, even though she was just there in October to give my uncle a couple of days away. His other sisters say sarcastically "yes, he's looking for "another" holiday. They dont begin to understand what their brother is going through, even though they have all been told by doctors that my uncle is under so much stress he could drop of a heart attack.
If you are lucky to have a strong and caring family, you have struck gold....but this illness has showed me what the people that I called my family really are....and that is strangers. I do not know these cold and cruel people, people whose ignorance causes me pain. I believe now that a "family" member is an earned title and not just assumed because the same blood runs through their veins.
So with all the anguish we have gone through in the past few years, I wanted to say to you that I think you are a wonderful person to be caring for your grandmother, especially since you are so young, and being a single mom is enough responsibility already.
God bless you, I wish you all the best, and this is a really wonderful place to post. There is much support on this site, but the people on this board in particular really have hearts of gold.

Carsam

[Dingoes]

Jul, you really have done the best you can for your grandmother and are continuing to do so. I'm just now starting to make arrangements to put my grandmother (92) in an Alzheimer's facility after she lived her for the better part of the last year (we built a room and bathroom on the house custom for her needs). Knowing how much she hates rehab -- she was already there once a little more than a month ago -- I am steeling myself for the first visit there, where I will try to explain to her (probably without success) that she'll be moving somewhere else after her evaluation.

My 102 degree fever and flu symptoms might be psychosomatic. I think visiting her is the hardest part, and in this part of the country her only relatives are my husband and me.

Hugs.
-- Tracie

[JulJul22]

You are so right. You all have hearts of gold. :-) Alzheimer’s has affected my life in so many ways. I feel more driven to educate people about this disease and to help people in need. Not just Alzheimer’s patients. I also do believe that there is a special place in heaven for care takers. I’m just so confused at how family can just turn their backs and say, “Well, she’s not gramie anymore and she suffering so we just want her to die.� I think about her funeral, I don’t know if that’s normal but if anyone in my family acts as if their hurt or cry, I’m going to flip! They have/had the chance to see her. To tell her good bye and they blew it simply because it’s hard for them. I understand that it’s hard but….it should just be an automatic!

I loved caring for my grandmother. The only thing that I didn’t like was the commute which was later resolved after the move. My daughter and I are very passionate about anything medical related and I think it’s good for her as she too enjoyed helping. It made her feel good about herself. Lately I have been feeling lonely as I have been spending the better part of the last couple of years with my gramie. I’m going to start volunteering at a local Children’s hospital soon because I can’t seem to be able to fill this void that I have comforting. I would really like to help children and I have sat down with my daughter and asked her how she felt about the idea.

She is a very, extremely intelligent five year old with a heart of gold. I just don’t know how it will affect her as we start to get close to sick kids who may possibly pass. She is very religious and she sings the songs of God everyday. She is the one who comforted me when our beloved cat passed. She explained to me that he was now with God and we will see him again. She even wiped away my tears.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It feels so good just to relate to others that have done the most unselfish thing in the world, and that is to care for a loved one.


(((((((((hugs))))))))) and lots of love *Jul*