Going down...

[MariaBB]

Just had my annual review at work. I've been having problems adjusting to a couple of new hires, as I thought they were taking over my job. I was 100% sure I was being phased out. I spoke with my boss last week and we hashed things out. Therefore I knew what to expect from my review. But seeing it on paper and hearing it again made me depressed. I normally don't post about situational depression. I know things like this make the depressed feel worse. They're temporary events and, unlike major depression, they fade over time. But my career is a part of my identity. It's more than a job to me.

My boss said I'd done very well in past years and he knows this was a difficult year for me. He said he knows I can do better. He gave me a smaller raise and bonus than in previous years and said he wants to give me the full bonus next year. (I know I should shut up because I got a bonus and raise, but it still hurts.)

It's just I felt threatened all year. Afraid the new guys were better than me. Better liked, more competent, etc. I figured they were replacing me and I'd be out of a job, lose my house, etc. I had a hard year and my attitude of fear and depression only got me into trouble. I feel like I'm being punished for reacting to being punished.

I know a lot of this is just how I perceived things at work, but it's still painful. As I said, my career is very important in my life. I feel like someone just pulled the rug out from under me.

I was smart enough to take an Ativan before the review. Now it's wearing off and I'm feeling more depressed. I'm afraid this turn of events is going to trigger my eating disorder on top of the depression. I'd like to go bed early and skip dinner. I really feel like crap right now. Any advice?

[country_fan]

I know how you feel, I was a manager at a company & I had a "new" girl competeing with me over my job. I take pride in my work, it really defined me, there were times I worked 20+ overtime hours a week, just to help out. There were countless hrs I stayed after close to complete tasks that weren't even my responsibility (and I never even got paid for this ). I did alot of networking for the company, on my own time, never compensated for.

There is more to the story, but I know how it feels to put ALL of yourself into something, only to reap no rewards. They say never to bring your work home with you- but it's not something you can just put out of your mind. I ended up quitting my job (which is another fun story in itself)...which is 1 of the results of my current depression.

I would really look into anti-depressant meds...I felt like a loser (I don't know why) for haveing it get that bad that I needed "help". But to be honest, that is the best thing I ever did for myself...and you know what, it feels damn good finally doing something for ME for a change.

I am currently on 60mg of Cymbalta (for depression & general anxiety) I also have a short term script of .25mg Xanax to take as needed for anxiety. I wish I was on these meds back when I was still working, because I really wouldn't have let the stress of work effect me. I have been on the meds for about 1.5 weeks & have noticed a HUGE differance. I have developed this "I don't care" attitude...not in the reckless sense, but in the sense that "***** happens, oh well". If that makes any sense.

I would talk to your doctor, weigh out your options. Maybe just take some meds "short term" to get you out of the funk...or maybe you will find long term treatment is better. Best of luck to you, you will come out on top!

[music47]

Maria

I'm sorry you are dealing with so much stress right now in your life. I agree with "Country Fan" about possibly trying an anti-depressant. I take Elavil every night at bedtime. It helps me relax and sleep all night usually. Perhaps something mild would help. My prayers are with you.

Sincerely Nadine

[Sannah]

Hi Maria, I am sorry that this happened and now you are suffering from it. Yeah, I remember how your self-esteem can suffer at work (from your previous posts). Maria, you aren't important because of what you do. You are important because you are Maria. You are a wonderful, sensitive person and you are valuable even if you didn't have a job. (Now if you could really believe this).

You have had a tough year dealing with how you feel about yourself and the new hires. Actually, from a mental health perspective you have improved quite a bit this year. This is an accomplishment! This accomplishment just wasn't evaluated on your annual review at work.

You will do better this year Maria. You have been improving and this should only continue because you have been working really hard to get better. I see you as being distracted by other's performance and distracted by trying to hold up your self-esteem. I would suggest talking to your therapist about working on that issue because IMO a fragile self-esteem is causing you a lot of trouble right now?

[MariaBB]

Thanks all. I am taking a plethoria of ADs including 40 mg paxil, 25 mg anafranil, and ativan (as needed). Lately, it's been needed! I was pretty upset last night. I took another ativan this mornng because I wanted to ask my boss a few questions about my review. Right now I'm flying on the "I don't care" high of ativan. I'll tank when it wears off. I guess I'm disappointed because after a rough period I was really starting to feel good about my job. I felt useful and a part of the team. Then I get this scathing review.

He went so far as to say I cannot read the newspaper at my desk before my workday begins. I'm the only one here that early and only read what I didn't get to on the train. He's only seen me do this once or twice and I quickly put it away. Then he said "Analysts don't leave at 4:30." and he wants me to stay later. I have an hour long commute home so that would really suck. The other analysts here are college kids who live close by in the city. They have different home lives than I do. I have a husband to cook for, etc.

I just wish somebody could understand. Sometimes I feel my boss is just looking for little petty things to pick on me. I used to love this job.