What's wrong with my Mom?

[skygirl]

I've noticed 3 years ago mom was forgetting small things and would ask the same question over and over.

Mom now is accusing her chidren and grandchildren of stealing her money, she can't remember if she's had visitors,as early as 10 minutes before.

Mom won't see a doctor, she doesn't believe in them.

She can write checks with no problem, but she can't remember what she spends her cash on.
Mom has a set routine every week and if a minor change happens she can't deal with it.

Mom is 79 and in good health, never taken medicine.

Maybe someone can tell me what's wrong with her.

Thanks, Sky

[ibake&pray]

Welcome Sky.

If you are here asking that question, you probably already have a pretty good idea what you think is wrong with your Mom, right? It sure sounds like your mom has some sort of dementia, most probably Alzheimers.

Unfortunately, if your mom doesn't believe in going to doctors, you have a problem. What you could do, is to ask her to go along with you to "your" appointment...tell her you're uneasy going alone, you'd like her support, you get the idea. Then have a list of items that are "off" behavior wise for your mom. Everything that is wrong. This could be the only way you could get her to have a check up...but if she hasn't been to a doctor-does she even have one that she has used? This will only work if she has a GP of record.

You didn't mention if your Mom is living alone. If so, you probably need to start looking around for care areas or for help for her in the near future. She won't be able to care for herself too much longer, and it's best to get this in place as soon as you can. Your Mom isn't going to be able to help you and she will resent this and accuse you of all sorts of things....

You should also have one of the siblings have not only medical POA but durable POA before your mother gets any worse. They are both needed, especially the medical. You should also get one of the kids on the checking accounts and the savings accounts, while she can still do this rationally.

There are several good books out there you might want to check into. The 36 hour Day is great. And check the sticky note at the top of this page.
I'm sorry you're here because it means you have a loved one that is suffering...I lost my mom last Novemeber, Daddy died in Sept. 5 weeks before Mom. You have my sympathy and prayers. This is wonderful group of folks that will chime in and give well thought out heartfelt answers to your questions......

welcome to our community........

[sunnydaze1]

Sounds like there's definitely something going on. If she won't go to a doctor, I would suggest you get POA and your name on her bank accounts. It's better to do it now while she's still somewhat competant than when you really need to take over, and you probably will.

My mom lived at home for two years after I took over all her financial responsibilities..in her case, she couldn't balance her checkbook anymore and did have trouble writing checks. It's more work for me, but at least I know where the money is going.

Mom just went into the NH about two weeks ago. I'm glad I don't have to deal with all the red tape now, so it's best to do these things ahead of time.

Best of luck!

[DGabriel10]

From the symptoms you describe it appears that your Mom could be suffering from some form of demetia. It could also be caused by other medication condition that are reversible. That is why you need a diagnosis. You need to check out all other possible causes before you decided it is dementia. Even if she thinks she is fine (which is common with dementia) you do need to have her diagnosed by a physician. Sometimes we have to do for our loved ones what is needed rather than what they want.

Does she keep her check register or just write checks? Does she still cook and does she burn pots? Are things put away in inappropriate places? Have strange things happened that you question the explinations? Is she still driving and are there unexplained dings on the car? Does she get aggitated easily for reasons that don't fit the level of aggitation? Does she preceive things happening that never happened? Has her personal hygeine suffered? Does she repeatedly buy some items and forget to buy necessities?

These are just a few of the things that can happen. My mom was in the process of giving $250,000 to a b rated insurance salesman that she met at a restaurant. She bragged about what she was doing which tipped me off and I was able to stop it. Cashing out her 401K and some long term stocks would have cost more in capital gains, penalties, and fees then she would have made in 15 years. She was an accountant/bookkeeper all of her life and had no idea how to balance her check book. Cash disappeared, bills were paid sometimes late and sometimes twice, no financial records were kept, and important papers were thown out while she kept random newspaper clippings. There were 5 teeth whitening kits in her bathroom but no kleenex. Her shopping sprees were frequent and expensive and she never had the things she needed. She transformed from a very healthy eater to eating only sweets. Pots disappeared only to be found in strange places with the residue of burned food in the bottom. Medication was taken at the wrong time, sometimes double dosed, sometimes not at all, and sometimes Mom and Dad took either other's meds. Mom confused hydrocodone for an antiviral. I knew something was wrong and I arrived home to find her completely out of it. She gave Dad an overdose of Xanax thta landed him in the hospital. She broke her arm and we never figured out exactly how it happened. She went to get her hair done, lost her keys while at the beauty shop, had somebody bring her home, and then walked the miles back to get the car with Dad's keys. The keys were in her pocketbook. Mood changes, bizzare behavior, unexplained aggitation to the point of aggression, withdrawing, and temper tantrums became the rule rather than the exception. This was all before she was diagnosed. Afterwards it got even worse until Mom and Dad (who has had vascular dementia for about 8 years) ended up in Assisted Living because it was truly unsafe for them to live alone.

So this is just the beginning for you and you will need help dealing with her. Aricept and Namenda are medication that do not cure the illness but are thought to slow down the process. Behavioral changes can be managed with medication. It is imperative that somebody have a power of attorney for your Mom because she will become unable to handle her own affairs. Eventually she will need more help than you can give her.

All this time she will assure you that she is fine and there is nothing wrong with her. The rest of the world has gone crazy around her. She does not remember things that happen or what she does. She takes what little does register in her mind and comes up with her own reality. Her ability to process information is scewed. Her ability to control her impulses and act in an appropriate manner are deminishing. She believes her reality and had no idea why you don't. It makes for a danger situation for her.

I will say again, please get her to a doctor and get a true diagnosis. Hopefully it is something that can be treated medically and not dementia. If it is dementia you are going to need medical assistance.

I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers....

Love, deb

[skygirl]

Thanks for all your advice, yes mother lives alone since my SD died last April.

My brother-in-law has had POA for several years, but, until he decides to do something are hands are tied.

Mother doesn't bath anymore just a quick wash in the sink.

She has only been to a doctor once in 5 years, I did manage to scare her enough one time and took her to the ER for some test. No sign of mini strokes and all bloodwork was normal.

Mom has a cattle farm and a farm manger, 2 dogs and one cat.

She just writes checks, my sister keeps up with it.

My sister told mother she didn't trust the farm manger so mother got mad and gave him a $55,000 tractor, she in love with him and he's too young plus he knows her mind is bad, he just calls it old age.