Hi verysadgirl and poindxtr,
My heart REALLY goes out to you two.
It's so hard when you first get it. In many ways it gets easier with time, simply because the body learns how to fight it off better. But I also think we just learn to accept it as a part of life, either as something we must live with or as a nemesis.
Everyone has difficult things happen to them in their lives, many of which are not resolvable in the way we'd like, and we must find a way to accept and live with it. Until you get to that point, where you at least get some relief from the emotional struggle, it seems unthinkable to be able to accept herpes, but believe me, there are much worse things in life.
Saying that doesn't make it any easier, but it might help to remember that many people face circumstances and conditions that are much worse than herpes, and most of them manage to survive and even thrive. Herpes sucks no matter how you slice it, but if that's the worst thing that happens to you, you're one of the luckier ones.
I guess that's part of how I've learned to live with it. Yes, it makes feeling comfortable in your body harder. Yes, it makes relationships and sex more of a challenge than they already are. Yes, it makes it necessary to strengthen your self-esteem and your sense of identity beyond your health status. But I think every one of us has major obstacles in life that we have to climb over, all brought on by different situations. For us, it's herpes.
I'm not saying "get over it, it could be worse" but I guess I've found it helps to put it into a bigger picture. It puts herpes into a smaller perspective. I have someone in my life who is living with far worse circumstances than I ever have (and I haven't had an easy life in many ways). Being around this person can be an inspiration sometimes because they still manage to smile, laugh and find some happiness, even thile they are living in what I consider an unthinkable, unbearable situation. Sorry, I can't go into details without being too personal.
Sometimes that backfires for me and I'll look at this person and their difficulties, and then look at my own life, and things can look pretty hopeless. I find at those times I have to make a conscious choice to focus on what's good in my life, what's good about who I am, what talents and abilities I have, and the things that make me lovable and worthwhile. I have to keep focusing on them to pull me through until I don't have to struggle so hard to keep my balance. Having supportive people in my life who care about me REALLY helps.
I think it's like exercising a muscle that you're not used to using. It's stiff and difficult and painful at first, and it doesn't always come naturally, but if you keep doing it, it will get easier and won't require as much effort to get things moving.
I think most of us have to learn to find ways to feel good about ourselves (and believe it!) when we're first diagnosed. Just as you're discovering how much you took your genital health for granted, I think we also discover how much we've taken a certain amount of our self-esteem, lovability, attractiveness and desirability for granted. Having herpes doesn't negate these things, but it does mean we have to look closer at ourselves to see how we still have the deeper aspects of those things.
It takes time for our whole selves to adjust to the new challenge. In my case, some of how I do that is to try to be a help to others. Richard Bach once wrote that we teach best what we need the most to learn. It helps me stay focused if I can help someone else get into focus. Others get proactive in other ways, like activism or research or education. Some people channel all their frustration, anger and pain into creative and unusual solutions and possibilities, and I don't just mean artistic (although that could be one way). Creative ideas. We each have to find our own way that helps get us through the dark times.
You both will find the ways that work for you. It will take some time and some adjustment. Find ways to ground and centre yourself, and find some patience with the process. Meditate, exercise, clean out your closets. lol Keep yourself busy, simplify your life for a while, try to focus on other (positive) things, and give yourself time to adapt.
A hug to both of you!
TheOneInFour
Why aren't I better yet?
Have either of you talked to your doctors about going on a daily, suppressive dosage of the antiviral drugs for a while? It is considered by some doctors to be a good idea in the first year, while your body and mind get the hang of dealing with it. If the drugs have helped even a bit, then a suppressive dosage could reduce the viral shedding and calm down subsequent outbreaks that spring up back-to-back. You might also want to check out some of the alternative remedies that are out there.
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