I'm Worried

[kollegeqt]

As a new gentital herpes survivor, I have a question to all those people out there. Can a person with herpes havea normal sex life?...Also how do you break the news to people?..Can I have kids?...Will someone marry me?

[rainflower]

I could tell you not to worry but that would be silly, obviously you are and I think you are brave to ask these questions. I have had herpes for over 15 years and I have been married (now divorced) I have two beautiful children (totally healthy) and a new love in my life. It is absolutely hard to tell a new partner, but in this situation honesty is the only way. I could never enjoy sex fully if I didnt disclose this info. It is very scary to tell someone-absolutely it is. But if they truly love you then you can deal with it together.

[TheOneInFour]

I want to echo the excellent reply Rainflower made, but add a couple of other points. When and how to tell a prospective partner is different for different people. Some people prefer to tell upfront so that there are no misunderstandings, and if something develops then "The Talk" isn't a risk factor. Others prefer to get to know the person first so that their potential partner can know them as a full person first, and then fill them in on their medical condition later.

Whenever or however you decide to tell someone, it's really important that you do it (a) before you become sexual (including genital touching) and (b) when you're not in a sexually-charged situation. In other words, it's not a good idea to mention it ("Oh, by the way...") as you're locked in an embrace and ready to make a mad dash to the bedroom.

People tend to take their cue from how someone presents something about themselves. If you present it as something you're ashamed of and makes you undesirable, the person will pick up on that and respond to that. If you are clear in yourself that it's a medical condition that requires some extra attention and consideration, but doesn't change the wonderful person that you are, then they'll tend to respond to that too. It's not a guarantee of course, but it can help to keep from making an already difficult and awkward thing worse.

Check out the Resource Links (on the discussion listing page of the herpes forum here). Some of the links have a section about how to tell a partner.

Also, there is at least one online dating service for people with herpes out there. Many people prefer to only date people with herpes so that they don't have to have "The Talk." If you do a search, I'm sure you'll find it. There is one really good, reliable, reputable, established site out there, and a few fly-by-night sites that I'd be careful about.

Just remember: You're more than your medical condition.

TheOneInFour

[rainflower]

thank you for adding to my comments. It is a very scary thing to have to tell someone, especially when that person could be a potential love interest. I actually just had to have "the talk" a couple of months ago. This was the third time and every time has been different. Oneinfours advice about not waiting until you are in the heat of the moment is very astute, and also the point about not being ashamed. I actually cried all three times which wasnt fair to my partners because it just made it more difficult to deal with.
While I'm not "glad" to have the herpes virus I will admit that it has kept me from sleeping with people I have no caring for, because I wouldnt want to have "the talk" with someone who wouldnt care for me. Ironically out of my six sexual partners, the one who gave them to me was my third-and the one I had known for years and years...and he wasnt honest with me. Stupidly we didnt use condoms I relied on the pill for protection which didnt stop this.
It could have been worse and I remind myself of this.
There is so much education out there and so many people share our predicament. I just wish I would have had the knowledge I do now.