Mom's rants....

[DGabriel10]

Mom is at it again. She had a melt down on Tuesday before we made the trip to clean and clear Mom and Dad's house. With a flood of tears she said she hated being in that room and would rather be dead than stay there. She wanted to take Dad home to die. An Ativan or two (Dad's) later she calmed down but was still tearful and eventually went to bed.

Then she lost it Thursday on the phone with Sister 2. She was going on and on about going home and Sister 2 just told her that was impossible after trying to divert Mom's attention numerous times. Mom told Sister 2 that she hoped her children did to her what we are doing to Mom. When Sister 2 responded that she hoped they did too Mom hung up on her. The next day Mom was still ranting about the call but eventually calmed down.

Then Mom went to Sister 3's house on Friday July 4th and saw her vase at Sister 3's house. Saturday Mom was fine when I talked to her. It was Sunday before Mom blew up. She actually figured out how to call me, the first time in months, to tell me that we were all thiefs and stealing her stuff while she was stuck in that horrible place. She was furious and melted into that same line.... I would rather die than be stuck in this room.

I talked to her Monday morning and she was in a good mood. She was to have a tooth cut out later in the day and was confused about the time but she was emotionally ok. She had the tooth out, did well Monday night, Tuesday, and Wednesday despite the sedation dentistry and pain pills. She even laughed about the bruising on her face. She did talk to me Tuesday about the fact that she wanted to pick out their caskets and pay for the funeral which needs to be done in her home town. That was actually a legitimate request and she was not upset or irrational about it. Tuesday night they went and played BINGO and had a good time.

Then Thursday somebody at the facility found out she had Chlorox in her room. It is a forbiden item unless it is locked up. So they explained it to her and confiscated her Chlorox. I have questioned it even being there and it has ruined more than one item of clothing, but my sister INSIST on buying Mom the Chlorox. Mom lost it again. It progressed from the Chlorox to how much she hates it there to she would rather die.

Each time she does this Dad gets upset as well because he truly wants her to be happy. He wants to "fix it". Then he gets angry with her because she is impossible. She feeds off of his anger while he feeds off hers. I just hope the dual Ativan helped and tomorrow is another day.

She has been on several different antidepressants and antianxiety medication. They were changed just a few months ago. Regardless of medication she periodically goes into these melt downs. Sometimes there is a trigger like the vase or chlorox but other times there is not known reason. She rants at whoever her anger is focused at whether it be staff or us girls before she melts into hysterical tears.

This is one of the reasons we are having a problem cleaning out and selling house. If we tell her what we are doing she wants to go home with us. Then she wants to spend her time with her friends and we get nothing done. If we tell her what we have done she forgets it. Then she sees something of hers at one of the sister houses and she flips out. She can be brutal. Even when you think you have talked her into another frame of mind she will flip on you and be right back in her rage before you can blink. Then it just disappears until the next episode.

We have somebody coming in three days a week and she refuses to leave the room even when the sitter is there. Mom says she has to stay with Dad and never leaves the room yet I call and Dad answers the phone. Mom is out somewhere.

I know this is all part of her disease but we need a break.

Love, deb

[Martha H]

I am surprised that someone is taking her out of the Assisted Living to her home. (where she sees one of her belongings and gets into a snit lasting many days.) If your family feel that a day outside of the AL will do her good, take her to a botanical garden, a restaurant, a park, some neutral place. Being in your homes makes her want to be back in her own home.

Until she has gone a few more steps down the hill and has no memory of her old home or yours, I would keep her away from family members houses.

Clorox - how can one sister not know it is forbidden? Communication has broken down somewhere. Or does she cave in to Mom's demands knowing the item she is bringing in is not allowed? At the NH where my Mom was, anything you brought in had to be approved at the desk before it got to the patient. People who didn't know the extent of Mom's condition would bring in chocolates, for example - a choking hazard since she could not swallow anything but thickened liquids and pureed foods ...

It is a major, life changing adjustment, and I hope your Mom eventually settles down ... it is hard. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,

Martha

How about bringing her a Clorox bottle filled with plain water, clueing the AL people in??

[DrewsG]

deb, My God I feel for you. Mom used to do the same thing about her stuff. We put her things away so she couldn't see them. We'll take them out later. Hard to do if you have furniture though?? From time to time she still misses things and gripes for awhile, nothing like your Mom. Your poor Dad must really be going through hell.
I don't want to advise you on your Moms care. I know how hard you try and your a good daughter. That being said........I would find something to keep her calmed down. At least for now. If it makes her sluggish, so be it. Just my two cents deb. I know what I can take and I couldn't take what you are going through. Bless your heart.
Well, I'm headed to Moms today for the dreaded shower fight.
God help us all.
Love Chris

[WasFatNoMore]

Just a thought...clean out her house without her being there. That is just torture for you and her. That is what we did with my grandma's apartment.

Second, put her things away when she is at you house to avoid upsetting her.

Third, on outings, in addition to the above suggestions, take her to her friends homes, but never hers.

I had great success with taking my grandma to either my brother's house or a restaurant. She addorred my brother, was always a perfect granny with him and knew she could not stay with him and his huge family (wife, kids, dogs). And when she went out with just me to a restaurant sometimes she would ask me to take her to her apartment. She never wanted to go back to "the place". I would explain to her that I would get arrested and charged with kidnapping - I didn't have the authority. She would alwasy respond, oh, I don't want you to get in trouble. She would be sad but she understood that she didn't want me in trouble.

[DGabriel10]

Thank you Martha. You said exactly what I was feeling. A few weeks back Mom and Dad went to my niece's baby shower at sister 2's house. Sister 2 was very careful to remove anything that came from Mom's house and to hide the van in the back of a closed out building. This was not done at Christmas or July 4th at another sister's house. I am sure it was an oversight and they did not expect this reaction from Mom. I do agree that outting should be somewhere other than places that remind her of home and her things.

Mom is aware enough to complain because she "never" goes to my sister's houses that are in the same town she is in. Mom also rants continually about "going back home". Sometimes it is just for a visit to friends, to go to one of her doctors, to pick out a coffin, or any other excuse she can find. Other times it is to go home and live. I truly believe that it is not good for her to have any reminders or excuses for an outburst.

Sister 4 knew the chlorox was prohibited. "It's easier to ask forgiveness than to get permission" and "you know Mom and her Chlorox" were her two comments. This has been an issue several times including ruined clothes. When I was there I purchased Chlorox II which is not as caustic as Chlorox and before I arrived back home Chlorox was back in the facility. They had already taken it away from Mom once before. I do like you idea of putting water in the Chlorox bottle but they can't even have a bottle labeled as Chlorox because the facility is unable to determine which is real and which is a fake. I say... it should never brought it in the building in the first place. Do away with it and in time Mom will forget about it. Then it will not longer be an issue. If it is a problem with taking Mom to the grocery store and her insisting she needs it.... then don't take her to the grocery store. Yes, my sister tends to give in. She says she gets it but then lets Mom make decisions that she is not capable of making, like going home or the chlorox.

I am with you on the medication Chris, but they tend to medicate Dad instead of Mom because she stirs, he reacts, the power that be see his reaction (which is inappropriate) and not what started it (Mom). Then Mom has all these excuses for her illogical reactions. My next question is.... why is Mom's ativan PRN and Dad's is not. Mom is the one that needs it.

Is it wrong for me to wish for those few more steps to move quickly Martha? This situation is wearing on me and my sisters. I can not imagine the turmoil it is putting Dad through and it is even worse for my Mom. I am close to requesting her Aricept and Namenda be ceased. I truly believe it is unfair to Mom to keep her at this stage any longer than necessary. I can only imagine the torment she is experiencing.

Mom has not answered the phone today so I don't have a clue what her mood is today. I did talk to sister 3 who had a thyroid biopsy yesterday, she is doing well and will know the results next week, and she had not talked to Mom and I talked to sister 2. I have a call in to sister 4 to see what she knows and I am still trying to reach Mom. I do hate being so far away ::sigh::

Love, deb

PS.... Was.... We did the clean out the house weekend without Mom being there and I still agree that is the best. She was aware enough to know it was her vase at Sister 3's house and her rant initiated with the fact that we were stealing her stuff without her permission. Sister 2 and I follow rule #2. Sister 3 didn't think about it because that vase has been at her house since November. Mom saw it in December and didn't respond to that but to the Christmas table cloth so I guess she thought she was safe with that one. I totally agree with rule #3. She NEVER needs to be in their house again.

The problem is that Mom has these melt down frequently. The reasons they start vary and if there is not a good reason then she makes up one. I can't blame what we are doing because we are all doing the best we can with an angry irrational lady who seems to need to melt down. ::shrug::