Newbie needs support

[countrywife]

I'm new here on the boards but unfortunately I'm not new to addiction. I've been struggling for years with trying to get and stay clean. I've done pretty much everything I know to do and I always go back to the pills. The problem now is my life has become even more unmanageable than it was before. I never thought it could get any worse but boy was I wrong. I need help!!! Things are so out of control I'm not sure I even have the will to try and go on. The amount of pills I take in one day would be enough to end it all if I was to take them all at the same time..Like most I started taking pills for pain. I took them as prescribed for the first year or so but that was over 10 years ago. So now my dose is completely insane. I now take at least 30 oxycodone 10's a day. Alot of days even more than that. Everyday I say this is it and everyday I pick up where I left off. I pass out at night and wake up in withdraws. I thought I hit my bottom but I know that's not the case. I don't even think I have a bottom. I tried the suboxone route and that didn't work. I discovered if I took Ultram with the suboxone I could still get high. So while doing that I had a seizure while driving and almost lost my life. I spent 2 months in the hospital and came out even more addicted to pain pills. Then I discovered that I had a great way of keeping myself supplied. This time I doctor shopped and I got caught. Now I have been arrested and I am in the middle of that now. I have 5 felony drug charges. Even standing in front of the judge begging to get released on a bond all I could think about is how am I going to get my pills now. I'm scared to death to go through withdraws. I have no self control to taper. My husband refuses to hold my pills for me. We've tried that before. I Really do want to stop I just don't know how. As I sit here the tears are running down my face. I have so much to live for but I have made such a mess of everything. My husband, daughter and mother knows of my addiction but has no idea just how bad it is. I have completely ruined us financially. I'm sorry this is such a long post and I really appreciate anyone that reads this. I'm open to all suggestions. I really don't know what I'm looking for. I just felt compelled to tell my story in hopes of some type of direction or just support to know that I'm not alone. I really do want to stop I just don't know how!!!!

[iWillDoThis]

First off, hello. Welcome to the site. I'm pretty new myself. Only been on for a few weeks but it feels like it's been much longer. The people on here are amazingly supportive. Usually at least a few people know the answers to a question. And if there isn't one "right" answer at least you get to hear the many different options you have. Now normally I don't respond to a post unless I have something to say that is at least somewhat useful. Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you. I just wanted you to know that there are people out here listening and wanting to support you through this very hard time. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish there was an easy answer as to how to get out of it. Unfortunately most of the people on this site have learned the hard way that there is NO easy way out. Oh but how we all wish there were. I wish you luck in trying to put your life back together. You'll be in my prayers.

M

[emsmom]

Hello countrywife,

Pleased to meet you. I only have one piece of advice for you. Go tell your doctor (the initial doctor that gave you your first RX) that you have this problem. Tell him/her everything - you'd be surprised how empathetic your doctor can be.

When you say 30 Oxycodone's/day, do you mean Oxycontin 10mgs or Percocet 10/325 (Oxycodone with Acetaminophen)? Its important to know which one, cause one of them could be VERY dangerous if you're taking 30 a day. Percocet has the tylenol in it, and could cause you liver damage if you're taking that much per day - I know this cause I did just as many as you at one point, and got really sick from liver counts being WAY too high.

We're here for you countrywife - there are alot of wonderful people on this board - so many with knowledge and wisdom (Reach, that one was for you ) so think about telling your doctor, its important that you have a taper in plan.

As for your hubby refusing to hold your pills, I can imagine why. I have a wonderful supportive husband who is standing right beside me (I'm leaving for Rehab on the 21st) - but there were times that, while I was going through withdrawal, last year (this all came out last fall) I would beg and plead to my hubby to give me more. We'd end up arguing but he "didn't" give me anymore. Thats how he was supportive I'm going to assume you made it hard for your hubby eh? So hard that he finally gave in but got mad and stopped wanting to help? We addicts know all the right things to say, and when there are drugs to be had, we can turn into this vicious beast. That beast is the addiction.

Well my dear, you have a choice to make...

Do you really want to stop? Do you want help to get clean?

It has to be your decision, but I strongly reccommend you go talk to your doctor, ask for help and ask for a taper plan that can be stretched out so you can avoid the violent w/d's.

Good luck, we're all here to help and to guide you along the way

Love and hugs,
emsmom

[Phoenix]

Originally Posted by countrywife

I don't even think I have a bottom.

I have 5 felony drug charges. Even standing in front of the judge begging to get released on a bond all I could think about is how am I going to get my pills now.

I really don't know what I'm looking for. I just felt compelled to tell my story in hopes of some type of direction or just support to know that I'm not alone. I really do want to stop I just don't know how!!!!

Hello C,

Everyone has a bottom; the only thing is that you have yet to realize what yours is.

The bottom is that point of no return that forces a person to put their life and drugs into perspective. So much so, that the person seriously has the desire to get clean at all costs.

Jail, institutions and death are what the addict has to look forward to, as the addiction progresses.

Addiction is really serious business; are you ready to begin the journey back to the days of being clean?

Only you have the answer.

We are always here for advice, support and to help shed a little insight.

Please take advantage of what we have to offer.

Respectfully,

Phoenix

[emsmom]

Countrywife,

I have to agree with Phoenix - Everyone has a "bottom," however it's usually someone else that tells us when we've hit it.

I didn't know I'd hit my "bottom" until my husband approached me with questions about money and I came clean about my addiction. It was then that I took a serious look at what I was doing and realized I NEEDED help.

Some addicts figure it out on their own (talk to their doctor or a friend) but some of us are so far into our addiction that we don't know we've hit rock bottom

Whatever you decide to do, we're here for you. I just hope you realize that you have to do something NOW before it gets any worse - and it WILL get worse.

Big hugs,
emsmom