new here need to talk to those like me

[ashamedaddict]

Okay, here it goes. Hello, Im a addict. lol, sounds so stupid but true. I have days I want to quit, and days I dont want to. This morning I got up and poped 4 loratab 10's, about hour and half later 2 more, then had to go get grocery's so I dowend 1 xanax (blue footballs) on my home from the store I got a call from a friend that his script of 30mg adderall was filled so before going home and unloading grocery's I went there and picked up my adderall. Poped 2 of those ( 60mg total ) done good for a while then upon registering on this site poped 4 more loratab 10's. So far thats it for the day, but I havent gone to bed yet I will probly take about 3 or 4 soma's before bed. I nerver feel good! EVER! Im a 34 y.o. female. I pretty much hate what I have become. I am the mother of a wonder son, and I am sooo embaressed of myself. Not many know how bad off I am. Ive been doing this for years. You know I should probly get and oscar award for all the acting I have done to get pills. But u know whats crazy? This is a pill nation! Just about everyone I know takes them, from the dregs of society to the little ladies sitting in the front pue at church. What the hell? I have been addicted to pills for about 6 years now, and just hear lately has it gotten " really " bad. I know I can go and get suboxone, but ya know what, knowing me, i would abuse it. Before the pills came along I was an AWFULL drunk. That's putting it nicely. You know I have been off pills for like 10 days, I handeled the physical withdrawl pretty good ( other than couldnt get my *** out the bed ) but when that passed the mental state was the worse! I had dreams of pills, would wake up and before my feet hit the ground from the bed i was thinking of pills. Pills , pills , pills. Until I went and got them did I finally have some peace.
I could go on and on, but Im gonna stop because I want friends here and support and I would like to read similar stories. So, if anyone would like to chat Please write back I would love to hear from you. Peace.

[emsmom]

Hello ashamed addict,

Welcome Before I get into my story, take a look at the post "Emsmom I could use your help...please" by countrywife.

I wrote to her, telling her my whole story. Its really long, so I'd rather not re-write it. I can relate to you, and I think you'll be able to understand why once you read my reply to her.

I know how you feel. It sucks. There were many times I wanted to quit, but I didn't want to "stop" taking the pills.

Once you read my post to countrywife, come back and reply on this thread. I'll keep an eye out for you

Hugs,
emsmom

[rosebuddy]

Hi and welcome, I am a percocet, oxycodone addict and I am in my 3rd day of detox. I took about 6 to 7 percs a day, received a weekly RX for 49 from my pain mgmt doctor. I also developed a dependence on xanax and my psychologist switched me to valium and i have tapered from 80 mg to 7 1/2 mg. I have had no rehab, have not tried to get drugs illegally, been hospitalized. But I was getting high on my percs. I don't even know what my real pain level is, because i popped a pill every 5 hours for 4 years. I am a recovering alcoholic and at one point had 10 years of sobriety, until I started taking the percs. I keep trying to stay sober, but over the last 2 years have not been able to get more than 9 months under my belt. I go to AA. I have the strong desire to change because I want to be me, the real me and experience life on life terms. I am sick and tired of being chained to the percs. (I was also addicted to cocaine for about 2 years in the mid 80's)

I have a close friend that recently od'ed on hydrocodone for the 4th time. She stopped breathing and suffered brain damage.

I want to say that this could be your bottom. You hit bottom when you have a moment of clarity and see what you are doing to yourself and your loved ones, what you have become, the extremes you go to get the drugs. You hit bottom when you stop digging. For some people, it takes jail, prison, hospitalization from overdosing, mental institutions, or forced rehab to reach that moment of clarity. But you don't have to go through all that, you can choose to stop now and go to any length to get straight and that means getting the help you need.

You can post here for days like many members, going on about how much you take, how you get them, how much you hate what you have become and still not change.

Now is the time to talk to your family, your doctor, and check into getting into a rehab or getting on suboxone--working with an addiction specialist.

You have vented. You have come here for support and to get honest. You will receive that from the people here. But does it do any good if you aren't going to get help? You are killing yourself, your spirit. Life is so short. I don't want to look back on my life and think I was so stupid to waste it taking drugs. I don't want to end up old in a nursing home still addicted and some nurse forgetting to give me my pill.

i am tired of living that life. I hope that you will join me and many others on this board who are in recovery. There is a post not too far down, a great success story, please read it.

Rose

You are unique...like the rest of us.

[Friend999]

To ashamedaddict:

Yes, I would say you are indeed an addict, but in no way, shape, or form should you be ashamed! The devil is in each little pill, and he/she is strong.

Your addiction can be defeated, however, and as I read your post I got the feeling that you do not realize that. However, just posting may mean that you wish to believe that, that it can be defeated. Please believe.

How? Please stay on this forum and read and read. Ask more questions as they come up. Embrace the love, support, advice, and experience from all of the wonderful people on this forum. Learn from them, gain knowledge, make decisions, and you should develop a plan that you want to follow. Stay on this site as you follow your plan.

The road toward recovery is certainly not easy (actually hell), but it can be done. It is being done, and has been done, by hundreds of people on this site. You are not alone and you should in no way be ashamed. Getting your life back is possible, but the alternative is unthinkable.

My very best to you.

Friend999

[countrywife]

I just wanted to chime in and say hello. I know all about shame. I live with shame 24 hours a day. I'm new here also. Like you I'm an addict and I'm struggling. I have come here for support and the support here is amazing. I can't give you much advise but I can tell you that living the life your living is not living. I know because I walk in your shoes everyday. I like the adderell too. I steal my granddaughter's. ( Tell me that isn't low) Hell I like it all. But I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Things will only get worse if you continue the path your on but you already know that. I just hope you can find a way to get some help and make a better life for you and your son. Just keep coming here. That is what I have done and it has helped me take that first step. I have along way to go and my way is not the right way but I'll get there because I want it so bad. Please take care of yourself and keep posting.