Borderline Personality Disorder??

[d3sire86]

I am convinced that I have BPD. I can't believe I have gone this long without ever having been diagnosed.


My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years broke up with me just over 2 weeks ago. I have lost my mind. I can't stop crying, haven't eaten in days, my heart is always racing super fast and it feels like there is something "empty" inside of me. These feelings get worse everyday. I was ok for the first little while, thinking everything would be fine but as the days go on it gets harder & harder to deal with. It's at the point where I have to drink myself to sleep, I am not a drinker.

I feel so abandoned. My mind is racing with all these thoughts. I am paranoid, self-loathing, just a total mess. I hacked his email & drive by his house late at night just to make sure there aren't any other cars in his driveway. My behavior is scary, even to myself.

I have been digging my nails deep into my flesh & scratching myself with random objects. Today I even drew blood.

I think I have always had symptoms of BPD. As a child I threw major temper tantrums, who am I kidding I am 22 and STILL have temper tantrums. I know why he left me. I wouldn't date me either. I am emotionally needy one moment & the next I am cold & just down right mean. We fight all the time. It got so bad that we rarely ever seen each other. Now when he has cut off ties with me, I have this feeling of NEEDING him. Like how a drug addict needs their drug of choice. I can't quench the feeling.

I am so broken inside. I feel like I can't live without him. I want another chance so bad. I know I can make it work. I want to make myself better. I need to make myself better.

I am trying so hard not to let him know what a nut job I am. A few days ago I was calling him non-stop crying, sending him emails & text messages. I think this only drives him further away. I need to stop. How do I deal with this? I cannot for the life of me make these feelings and crazy thoughts stop. I was thinking about going to see a doctor tomorrow, I don't want to live like this. However from what I've read there doesn't seem to be much help/hope for treating BPD. I wish there was a pill to take to make this go away. I know that I wont be able to stop these obsessive thoughts without help. What do I do? He doesn't deserve to be stalked & harassed. I know even though my heart is telling me that the only way to stop it is to get him back, that even this is not the answer. I need him back & I need help!!

[fossilapostle]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I really have no idea about your BPD thing, but the stuff you're going through now just sounds like the effects of someone you've loved for years leaving you. The feelings of "emptiness" and anxiety are fairly normal in this situation. You feel like you're addicted to him because in a very real way you are. The pleasure centers of the brain stimulated by drugs like cocaine and heroin are the same areas activated when we see the face of someone we love. So you are "addicted" to his presence in a way, and it takes a few weeks or months for your brain to readjust to him not being there.

In other words, it doesn't sound like mental illness to me, though I'm not saying you do or don't have one of those too.

Losing a relationship is always hard, especially if you're not the one who initiated the break-up. The drinking sounds like self-medicating to me. It's not a good idea to keep on with though since it can become a habit.

I wish I could tell you something else to do, but usually you just have to suffer through these things until gradually it gets better. And it always does get better. It may be hard to imagine now, but you will get over this.

However, you can't even start the "getting over" process until you decide to let go of this guy. As you rightly point out, your behavior of stalking him isn't helping you. You need to let go and then you can start to get over him.

I'd be careful about making mental health diagnoses about yourself during this period. The way you're feeling and acting now is not your usual self. Maybe you do need some counseling to get through this, but why not wait until you're over this relationship and feeling more like your normal self before deciding you have some major mental illness? It sounds to me more like the normal feelings of low self esteem that anyone feels upon getting dumped by someone they love.

Just remember that you will get over this in time.

[digmusic]

I'm not a doctor and this is not medical advice, but this does sound like you at least have borderline traits. A lot of people have traits without having the full-fledged disorder. Again, that's just my opinion. I have been diagnosed with it and your behaviors and thought processes are similar to mine. Borderlines have major trouble with impulse control, that's why you can't stop doing these crazy stalking behaviors despite having pretty good judgment. There are medications to help with borderlines' impulsivity and obsessive thoughts, and those are SSRI's like prozac and zoloft. Go see a psychiatrist and get a proper evaluation. Throwing temper tantrums is also a borderline behavior, as borderlines use the defense mechanism of regression when they feel anxiety. So basically, you act like a child and you can't control it.

Getting your boyfriend back is NOT the answer and, to be honest, I highly doubt it will happen after the behavior you've described. You need help before you can be in any sort of healthy relationship, so I'd smash that illusion ASAP.

I also agree with the previous poster that acting crazy and stalkerish is surprisingly normal after a break-up. Unless this is how you act in all areas of your life, have major trouble functioning, and have been dealing with this for a long time, I wouldn't worry too much about it until you are more adjusted to the break-up.

[SharpieD]

If it's alright, I would love some advice with me too.

I was dating this girl who has been diagnosed with BPD. Unfortunately, it got to a point, I suppose I wasn't able to understand, but it felt as if I were "being pushed away". Very new to me..I was very distraught over why I didn't have any assurance of our relationship, and I began to feel worthless. Eventually, this led to breaking up after I got serious and researched and realized that it was the best thing to do, in her interest.

A lot of things followed that go hand-in-hand with self-rejection. But, over a few months time, she has been able to make so much progress. We both know that we still want to be together, but the one thing that is keeping us from that is getting over this roadblock.

My question is, what can I do besides immersing myself with books about this, can I do to help her through recovery? Or is it something that I need to stay clear from? Also, I wonder if it would be good if we went to counseling together since we both stem from dysfunctional families. Please let me hear your thoughts. Thanks so much.