Please help, I need advice on this...

Matt M · 01-20-2003, 04:01 PM

Okay, first of all I just need to say that I can't even believe I'm gonna write this - it's not something I've ever spoken to ANYONE about and I was even considering signing up under a different name (and it's not like the one I have is my real one either).

Anyway, to the point. I guess I have what could be called social phobia or something. But it's an odd situation that makes me depressed and even suicidal sometimes.

I guess I'm sick and tired of being this way. I try to drink all my troubles and inhibitions away but that doesn't work too well an I can't even remember what I did last night. I feel like cutting again coz I'm such a *******.

Well, here's the main problem. I'm not exactly a quite/shy person. I'm totally open and talk to loads of people, but I don't feel comfortable with other guys. I'm male (just to clear that up!) but I feel really nervous and anxious around other guys. I tend to become really awkward and shy and I KNOW it shows... and I'm alot better with people like my brothers or other guys I've known for aaages (and I know aren't idiots). It's just so hard to live a normal life like this and I can't figure out whether it's a problem I have or whether it's them?!

Sometimes I guess I'm fine with the fact that I socialise with and have many more female friends (to give you a picture, I haven't had a close male friend in like 3 years). So sometimes I think that it's because of my past - I was bullied both physically and mentally for a few months when I was around 13 an on and off since then. Because of that (and alot of other stuff) I feel I've kinda grown up alot sooner than my peers... I tend to feel waay more comfortable infront of adults as it is anyway - I guess because they're more mature and there's a certain knowledge that they won't say or do anything that might offend you.

The thing is, as it is I find it hard to find people on my 'wavelength' - who I can relate to, but it's kinda depressing when you can't make friends with other guys because you just can't relate to alot of the stuff they go on about and all I see is the comraderie and friendship they share. It makes me hate myself and cut and stuff.

I just need to get this sorted. Or find some people I can relate to - it's not like I don't have any close guy friends, but whenever I start a relationship my family seems to up and move somewhere else and I have to begin all over. It's just so hard and I'm all hungover now. I've been drinking on and off too lately, like I'll take some stuff in a plastic bottle to school an jus sip it to 'loosen me up'. Needless to say that just makes me depressed.

Please help. I've can't live this life anymore and I feel so stupid for coming to this board with such minor problems so please don't take offense if this seems like a childish prob or something, but I'm sorta hoping to get a response from somebody whose dealt with something like this or a phsycologist or something.

Wil · 01-20-2003, 08:28 PM

Hi Matt M.

First of all chill out and don't ever get down on yourself for seeking out some annonymous advice, I think its really a smart thing to do.

I don't know how old you are, but here is my 2 cents and if it makes sense to you, it will give you something to work with.

I had issues with my dad when I was young. As an adult I found that when I met or worked with guys that reminded me of my dad in some way or shape, I noticed that my behavior changed and I kind of grew intimidated and a bit withdrawn. On some level they sensed something as well and kind of stayed away from me or were much more aggressive or nasty than normally. This threw me for a loop for the longest time until I realized vibes/energy is very real and they could feel I was really uncomfortable being around them even though they didnt know why. Another analogy you will relate to would be when an animal knows if a person is a lover or hater of animals. They know cause they can sense it, same way with people.

So if you were bullied at a young age, take another look and see if there is any connection to you being intimidated/behavior change in some way around a group of guys or how you relate one on one. If you see some connection here, recognize its not them but you. Once you realize you are giving off something and pushing guy friends away you can have something to work with and explore a bit further.

Stop drinking for a bit and be clean and sober when you look at yourself in order to get real. Alcohol is fine, but it does mask the stuff we are uncomfortable with, especially social stuff. If you sit in a chair, quietly and feel what comes up around these situations, you can recognize what it is and then dump it and be clear with yourself and the other potential friends you might meet in the future. Sorry this is so long.. Good luck
Wil

Matt M · 01-21-2003, 03:56 AM

Thanks for the reply Wil, I think there's some REALLY god advice there an I'll take it to heart...

The reason I mentioned the whole 'bullying' thing is exactly because I thought it might be the cause of all of this so thanks for making that link for me.

Matt.