feel so hopeless...

bloodytears · 07-29-2003, 02:15 AM

Ugh.. I am so confused right now.. I really don't know what to do.. I've been struggling so badly recently, and no one i know can relate or understand.

Because of the things that have happened to me in the past, I have trouble with relationships, when they begin to get intimate. Just this past weekend I went out on a double date with one of my only closest friends and when my date started putting his hands all over me, i had to leave the room. I had to get up and go to the bathroom, because i had the strongest feeling that i was going to be sick. It was the feeling like you could be sick, but you knew you weren't going to be sick. I felt so bad having to leave him, but i really did feel sick. This always happens to me whenever i become close with any guys, and it ruins the relationship completely. I've talked to my therapist about this, but she wasn't interested in talking about it in depth, and she just told me it will take time. However, i don't understand how this is happening to me now, when i was able to go off and have sex with guys when i was younger. (younger than i am now, but after the majority of my past trials took place.) I really don't get it.. Then, right after i left the guy, i was walking with my friend and her date and we decided to eat lunch, and when i went up to pay, her date followed me and said he thought i was hella fine, and he wanted to be with me rather than her. All I could do was smile, and walk away, i felt so uncomfortable, and bad for my friend. I did tell her when we left, however that wasn't for hours later. We ended up meeting up with another guy who was 29 y/o and wanted to hook up with me, which i have no problem with, because we really got along well, and we were casual, and friendly, not touchy, which was good, however, im scared that when it gets to the point where kissing and touching is appropriate, im going to freak out again, and leave him too.. I hate myself so much. It's like I have no hope for anything. All I really want in life is to have my children with a man i love, and whom loves me, and i can't even kiss guys anymore without getting sick. I really don't want to go on living knowing how much my life has been badly influenced by those people who hurt me when i was young.. I just dont know what to do anymore..

I'm only 19, and i shouldn't be dealing with all of this.. No one should...

thanks for reading this.. any advice would be greatly appreciated .. ~tears

christie s · 07-29-2003, 10:29 AM

I really have no advice or great words to give you, but I wanted to let you know that I do care about what happens to you. Can you get another therapist, maybe one that will really listen to you and your concerns? Also, you might look into finding a support group, talking to people who have had the same experiences might help. Take care and stay strong.

HeyThere · 07-31-2003, 12:12 AM

I just wanted to say thank you for being so brave and to confront the issues with a therapist and share with any mothers out there-I am so much more alert kind of overly though. You are young, resiliant and you are a survivor. Through your sharing of your pain you have helped shed light to mothers and other family members that may not have been alert. There are good people out there- you just have to sift for them while you are sifting yourself. Gold. Take care.

bloodytears · 07-31-2003, 02:29 AM

Thank you so much for responding to my post,christie, and HeyThere, it means so much to me..

I went to see my therapist today and I talked to her about it all, and she finally realized how badly i hurt and she decided to set me up with a group to help me deal with my past, and present feelings of all situations.. Thank you both for caring enough to respond.. That alone gives me more hope than i had.. You both helped me with your support..

~tears