Back in 1977 I was on my 2nd marriage at the age of 24...I was warned that the guy I was seeing was "crazy.." Yet I wouldn't listen...he was indeed a miserable soul who obviously needed help...yet being with him I was the one who was suffering. Long to short, after countless separations from this person who was definitely schizophrenic and imbalanced and untreated for same, I was for about the 4th time hiding from him as he stalked me. About a week after hiding, I again softened to his pleading and agreed to meet him and talk again, (after my apartment and every worldly possession was destroyed) and he met me at my office where I worked for doctors. He rode a motorcycle, and immediately upon seeing the distant, cold far-away look in his eyes I had never actually seen before, he asked me to get on his bike and leave with him. I knew to say no and had an idea of what he might be capable of doing, no matter how sweet he tried to sound. He got the clue that I was NOT going to leave with him....he then gunned his bike, took off with about a 60 yard clearance...and drove it at 80MPH into a stucco wall as I looked on. I saw the horrific result of his body (without a helmet on) hitting that wall head-first...the picture is forever embedded in my brain and has replayed countless times since 1981. I still thank God He gave me enough sense to know now to get on that bike, as it was planned to be MY murder along with his suicide.
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Shortly after this incident (JUNE 1981) while trying to put my life back together, I briefly saw a "counselor" who told me nothing was wrong with me because I was so acticulate and looked so normal to him. Afterwards I never saw anyone at all for treatment of this horrific act I witnessed. I had nightmares for a couple of years and relived it...in gory detail. Recently a couple of months ago JUNE 2003 I saw a family therapist for marriage-related issues (I am on my 4th marriage) and doing well...she touched on past tragedies, etc and I mentioned the suicide. She was dumbfounded and asked about my therapy following it. When I said there was none, she was speechless and could not believe I had ever sought treatment. It is true that I never was the same and that my brain, without warning, can flash this before my eyes..the horrific scene I witnessed as he splattered all over the wall on that June morning. This therapist told me that I suffered from PTSD....I was wondering if therapy would be beneficial and if it is true that I could be suffering from PTSD. I know that I have Adult ADD, and suffered from ADD all of my life, leading me into situations like I described with this suicide...I was impulsive and indecisive and ended up in countless horrible scenarios with hurtful people. Could I be suffering from PTSD after 22 years of ignoring it? What are the symptoms???
FEEDBACK PLEASE!!!
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I WITNESSED MY HUSBAND'S SUICIDE
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